Do you have those days when you feel utterly sad and don't know what to do to get yourself happy again and you just don't know what to do at all..?
I'm having days like that at the moment... And i'm almost sure i know the reason, but i'm not sure how to solve it tactfully. So not just the problem but also the problematic solving is making me worried and unhappy. I tend to be really positive, happy, bursting with all possible colours person, and right now i'm not that person, which i don't like! I wanna be back to normal, enjoy myself and so - my life. But i am happy i learned to observe me and i'm aware of what's good and what's bad for me, i just have to learn how to step up and control things better. I'm thankful to one person, who taught me one thing - that i have to be the number one in my life, and that's one heck of a rule, if you want to enjoy your life.
I also got a terrible terrible homesickness - i'm thinking bout Japan every day now and i would give anything to be there right this second! And knowing it's not possible is tearing me apart. I find many things nostalgic right now and many things could put me into this other world of mine, when i close up, shut all the possible entrances and meditate in a state, where i live in memories or replay something that happened back in the past, if i have enough time and no one distracts me, i can even start imagining how things will (not would!) be, when i'm back. And then the whole soap bubble pops and i'm back to reality, thinking how things could be or would be, which makes me hiss at my present state, at my reality, although i'm pretty aware how i should value now. And i do, i do value it! It's just this state, when my balance is out of order and then some bad thoughts can creep into me and make my lip corners go down.
First of all, i have to go back to doing things i like, but i'm working right now full time (actually even more...) and studying, so it eats basically all of my time, i'm staying behind with the university, which i greatly dislike, i'm getting more and more tired as the days go by, but the thought that it's just two more weeks and i'm not working anymore and also the fact, that it does please me, doing work i'm doing right now, helps me keep my thumbs up. Also, getting older and going through different phases of life, getting new challenges (failing or succeeding at them), learning new things make me appreciate myself a little bit more and i already understood that without loving yourself it's barely possible to be happy with anything you're doing. So i'm also learning how to appreciate and love myself and i'm doing a good job on this one - i sometimes can say really quietly that i am indeed proud of myself, isn't that a nice feeling..?
Sometimes when i feel blue, i have to get bitchy and care just about myself and brag about myself while standing in front of the mirror.
But my balance is really at danger at the moment and i have to think fast! Think and act. As fast as possible...
