Utterly sad.

Do you have those days when you feel utterly sad and don't know what to do to get yourself happy again and you just don't know what to do at all..? 

I'm having days like that at the moment... And i'm almost sure i know the reason, but i'm not sure how to solve it tactfully. So not just the problem but also the problematic solving is making me worried and unhappy. I tend to be really positive, happy, bursting with all possible colours person, and right now i'm not that person, which i don't like! I wanna be back to normal, enjoy myself and so - my life. But i am happy i learned to observe me and i'm aware of what's good and what's bad for me, i just have to learn how to step up and control things better. I'm thankful to one person, who taught me one thing - that i have to be the number one in my life, and that's one heck of a rule, if you want to enjoy your life. 

I also got a terrible terrible homesickness - i'm thinking bout Japan every day now and i would give anything to be there right this second! And knowing it's not possible is tearing me apart. I find many things nostalgic right now and many things could put me into this other world of mine, when i close up, shut all the possible entrances and meditate in a state, where i live in memories or replay something that happened back in the past, if i have enough time and no one distracts me, i can even start imagining how things will (not would!) be, when i'm back. And then the whole soap bubble pops and i'm back to reality, thinking how things could be or would be, which makes me hiss at my present state, at my reality, although i'm pretty aware how i should value now. And i do, i do value it! It's just this state, when my balance is out of order and then some bad thoughts can creep into me and make my lip corners go down. 

First of all, i have to go back to doing things i like, but i'm working right now full time (actually even more...) and studying, so it eats basically all of my time, i'm staying behind with the university, which i greatly dislike, i'm getting more and more tired as the days go by, but the thought that it's just two more weeks and i'm not working anymore and also the fact, that it does please me, doing work i'm doing right now, helps me keep my thumbs up. Also, getting older and going through different phases of life, getting new challenges (failing or succeeding at them), learning new things make me appreciate myself a little bit more and i already understood that without loving yourself it's barely possible to be happy with anything you're doing. So i'm also learning how to appreciate and love myself and i'm doing a good job on this one - i sometimes can say really quietly that i am indeed proud of myself, isn't that a nice feeling..? 

Sometimes when i feel blue, i have to get bitchy and care just about myself and brag about myself while standing in front of the mirror. 

But my balance is really at danger at the moment and i have to think fast! Think and act. As fast as possible... 

Narita.

Another hour before boarding.

It breaks my heart being here... Narita airport. Departure section...

"New loves can be found easily, but what you are really looking for, you can find only here." - these words, that i found on a wall in the airport, made me cry...

Last curry.

Another year have to pass by until i come back.

I don't wanna go back to Europe!!! Wanna stay here for another while... Someone kidnap me and hold me here as a hostage!

Day 69. NO PICS YET.

Ainu Festival was awesome!!!

In that kinda festival i can find Japan i wanna see. It was a little little tiny bit disappointing, that today was a day of talks and seminars, which i cannot properly understand and all the music was on Saturday, so i payed just basically in order to be there, enjoy the clear air, listen to the mountain river next to that place, meet my friends and talk to some new people. There was one music performance and dancing, where i was involved as well and it made me SO MUCH fun!

I again got to meet people from Omaezaki and they are incredible people without any doubts! I also talked to some random people in the festival and if i didn't have any language barrier it would be just outstanding. I can feel way more free in Japan than for example in Germany, and i keep asking myself why.

It started raining in the evening and got really cold, so we didn't wait until it ended, but it still was a good experience. Leah, Tom and Jin joined me, so it was nice to go there as a group, even though it scattered a little bit afterwards. I'm sure i would be able to find lots of nice people in Japan... I am sure... 

Day 67. NO PICS YET.

Today i again disappointed in Tokyo... Before i took off to Yokohama to meet my friend, i stopped at totally random district and wanted just to find a place to drink tea and read a book. After walking for around 40 minutes i ended up in train station again, drinking expensive tea at Starbucks, having people all around me, so i just shoved the tea down the throat and ran away as fast as possible. It happens really often in Tokyo - you're trying to find something, but you end up in a train station, because it is the only place where you can find anything. By the way, the district i ended up in was Meguro - do not go there if you don't have anything to do there, because there's nothing there, just working/business buildings and some hotels. 

Anyway, i did find an organic section (just a section...) in a food market in Meguro station, which looked quite good, but really expensive. 

After that i went to Yokohama, because i thought i'm gonna be a little bit luckier there - i still had time until we meet, so i had to do something. So then again i got disappointed, this time in Yokohama. I couldn't find a fucking bench outside the station!!! Went to a manga/anime geeky store with hope to find a couch there or something like that, but then again i failed. One guy got really nervous seeing a foreigner girl there and bumped at a big pile of manga plastic models, messing everything. Was actually funny. I really wanted to just sit down somewhere, so i was just walking around, looking for a potential place and i saw a nice book store and a book shelve ladder thingy, so i just sat down there and was reading cooking books. 

Evening with Natsuko and her mom was really nice! We went to Miffy exhibition which was really interesting and i felt a small pinch inside when reading/hearing (video footage) dutch language, it was a small hint about going back home and somehow dutch language made me at ease with me going back to Europe. I'm gonna put some more efforts in that language, because i do wanna speak well. 

We went to a buffet (Natsuko really loves that kinda eating out) near Yokohama station and food was really amazing! It was so delicious, i completely stuffed myself. I ate so much, i barely could walk afterwards. But that's what we do with my friend - stuff so badly and then talk about how much weight we gained lately. Isn't it fun? Eating out is actually a nice attraction! I wish she and her parents could visit me in Germany one day, that would be really awesome! I bet they would love it, i would love it as well. I hope they'll find some time one day... (as long as i'm still there) 

Oh, and today i tried yet another brand of Melon Pan (Big Fan) - Melon Pan with chocolate chips. OMG, that was really delicious! I recommend it to everyone who could grab it... 

Day 66.

Thursday. 

It would have been my day off if i would have still wwoofed, but those days are over. At least for this summer or this year... It' is strange indeed to be here in Tokyo and realize that i'm not gonna go yet to another location, that i'm not gonna continue my wwoofing summer that this - is the final spot, those are the last days in Japan and they're in Tokyo.

Yesterday when i entered the house, i realized that i've forgotten to ask the door code, but instead of panicking i just let my fingers do their job and i got in! My inner me remembered the code from last year, can you imagine? It feels so at home... I never really liked Tokyo too much, because it's so different than what i would wanna be in, but it feels a lot more home, than for example Lithuania - strange feeling, huh? I wouldn't like to live in Tokyo for a long time, so it doesn't feel home as in a place i wanna be or a place my heart is craving, but it feels home out of habit, out of the practical fitting in, because i feel i do belong somewhere out there.

I always thought i've been born in a wrong time and wrong place. And i still think i'm right. Or maybe my past life character is too loud inside of me and doesn't let me live right now and here. 

It's raining today, so there's no sightseeing. I actually don't have too much to visit, because i did a lot last year - and realized just this year, when i was looking through sight seeing pamphlets and internet pages. It's strange, that you can see basically everything in a huge city like that! 

So this year i would love to discover nice shops and cafes, if that's possible at all. 

In the evening i couldn't stand sitting at home, so i went for a walk and i found one really nice thing that made me smile like a child - i found my mom's favorite tea - oh, how lucky could i be? - so i took couple of packs for her, because after going back to Europe i'm going to England and then visiting Lithuania for 3 days. 

Later on we went with my friend to Roppongi for a walk and i also met Jin - a painter -, so we chatted and took a walk... He did however ask to hold my hand, which made me feel awkward a little bit, but even more, it made me ask myself - am i really that likable?? Just yesterday we had this big fight with my special one, but guys keep on popping out totally out of blue, when i least expect it. Oh i wish i found a person i'm dreaming about. Maybe one day i will and when i do, i won't let go of him/her. 

Day 65.

I couldn't avoid problems on the road - like most of the times. I'm so unlucky with transportation sometimes and i'm not just talking about being late or trains/buses/planes coming late, but i already have quite a list here. Train strikes - almost missed the flight, accidents on rails because of which trains didn't arrive, being stuck in Brussels because of, first, german train strikes, then because of french train delay - stopping in the middle of the way because of unexpected problems, missing trains, buses breaking down in the road, buses lost on the road, plane waiting for the new pulling-car, because the one broke down and stuff like that.... Today there was an accident on the highway, which made the Tomei Highway bus stop in Shizuoka. So i had to go to the train station first, get a train and after 5 or 6 times transferring to another train i finally made it to Tokyo! I was a little bit tired afterwards but i didn't let it get to me and after saying hi to the friend i'm staying at, i went to NiModo gallery in Shibuya to meet with old friends from last year.... And that just made my day!!! Last year we couldn't communicate too much, because of language gaps, but this year, when i finally talked japanese to them, it was so much easier! I was really glad and i came back home after couple of hours with a huge smile on my face. I met three people from last year and i hope i meet them again until i leave! Well, one of them i'm gonna definitely meet on Sunday - the Ainu Matsuri in Tokyo. Anyone who has some free time on Sunday (or Saturday - it's the whole weekend, but i'm going just on Sunday) please, feel free to join me! 

This year, i will try to enjoy Tokyo. Last year i didn't like it too much... And today i also was worried the plan to enjoy it is gonna fail too fast, because oh, how can i fall in love with the city who doesn't have much in common with me? A city filled with buildings, transportation, trash and plastic bags, a cold concrete jungle, a city where so much is wrong... But i will try to find good places, i will do my best! 

Day 64. NO PICS YET.

Today for my last evening we had Okonomiyaki party with Emi-San, who is a photographer, so she also consulted me with my portfolio... Everything was so delicious, and yet so usual that i couldn't believe i am gonna leave next day in the morning. But then again, i remember one thing i told to myself when i was still back in Sasayama - i'm still too young to attach to just one thing and i have to move on in order to experience as much as possible. I stuffed my belly full with amazingly delicious okonomiyaki and sweets afterwards...

The night before, don't know why, i couldn't fall asleep until 6 oclock in the morning and i didn't take a nap through out the whole day so i expected myself to be dead by the time Emi even arrives and was worried about our little okonomiyaki party, but i wasn't even THAT tired and when i got back home i didn't have the craving for bed, like i should have had, so it was strange... But maybe it's just an energy boost i got for the last day in there!

In the afternoon a friend of hosts came by and taught me how to prepare a raw cake. It was just superb!!! We prepared peach raw cake and banana/choco raw cake - it doesn't take much time, it doesn't have to be baked, so it saves up resources and it's really refreshing - you eat it straight from the fridge (or freezer). Banana/choco has a tender flavor, while the peach cake feels light as a feather and just melts on your tongue.

This place taught me things that i really value right now and i think they're gonna be important in the future, so i'm glad i could have this kinda experience. Slowly i get a clearer vision of the life i want and every day and every step made gets me closer and closer to it. I made many many mistakes, but maybe it all worked out for the better of it - with all the mistakes made, wrong decisions and fuck ups, i now know what i want and i don't have to just go guessing around.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to Tokyo and in a week - going back to Europe...

Day 63. NO PICS YET.

Today i got to cook again and it was the sweet cuisine - we forgot to do shopping on sunday, so we just moved it to monday. I prepared milk rice and sweet fruit soup - was delicious! Even though rice magically absorbed more milk than expected, so it became a little bit stiff. But well - food is food after all, it's was nice. The soup did turn out just like i wanted, so i couldn't stop eating, even though it was too hot - i just shoved everything down my throat instead of really enjoying it thoroughly, but i just couldn't resist. I wonder, why i cook so little lithuanian food when i'm germany.

We had pretty long break in the afternoon, so i took a walk in the park nearby - didn't know it even existed - and at the sea shore, made some pics, ventilated my head a little. And afterwards we were getting ready for the evening - healers were supposed to come. We rearranged Nagomi a little bit, made a separated area, where they could do their thing. And also we had a special menu! Lots of tea (chai as well!!) and soy meat karaage. Was really delicious. 

Those healers are young people and very friendly, so we had dinner together (more friends joined us while we were eating) and then the healing started - i also got a session! Was interesting, even though i didn't feel too much. After that i talked a lot to my hosts' friends, which are slowly becoming my friends so it's again really sad i'm leaving right now - on a verge of really getting into that circle. And it's strange when i think back about last year, how little i did in Japan and this year - it's a total difference and i'm so happy. Even though i have to admit, that communicating still gives me shivers, but i have to do my best. I've seen already couple of foreigners that speak fluently, totally fluently japanese and i know i can do it!

In the evening i had to call because of my part time job, so i just HAD to go back home, but since we had customers, i was given the keys and was left on my own - to drive back home. It was my first time driving in Japan at all and i did it completely alone, that's was really nice. Not just the driving itself (on the left side and stuff) made me relax - i like driving - but also the thought that my hosts trusted me so much, that made me also happy. 

Strange thing - the left side traffic looks normal to me by now, it's gonna be strange going back to the right side i think. 

Going into leaving mode..

Already saying my good byes to people i won't be able to see tomorrow. Getting pretty upset.

I wish i could stay in Japan as long as i want, but my life in Europe awaits.

Day 61 and Day 62. NO PICS YET

The weekend here was pretty easy this time... Even though we had quite a few big reservations all the customers were really clean and pretty quiet. One of the group was family group with children of age 1-3, so they also didn't drink too much and it was quite fun. We set up camp fire as well, where they could roast marshmallows! 

On Sunday - day 62 - we finished quite early with customers and just friends stayed, so i asked if i could back home and finished packing. So now i just have to let 2 days go by and i'm going to Tokyo... for my last run before going back to Europe. 

Who wants to meet?

Time and climate difference.

Why didn't i do this earlier?! Yesterday i activated mobile blogging... sucha relieve. Now i can reach my blog any minute.

It's still amazingly hot in Omaezaki, even though september is going to its end soon. I wonder what's the weather like in Europe. I guess it's freezing out there... brrr don't wanna go back！

Day 60. NO PICS.

2 months i'm in Japan already and i got used to it so badly, i'm really getting upset when thinking about leaving back to Europe. But i guess it's good to find a place where i wanna be after all - i can always go back, can't i? When it comes to me, i tend to attach to places i feel comfortable at really fast, because i'm constantly looking for home... Who know where it's gonna be. 

Today was a day like any other day, but in the evening i made lemon grass tea with lemon grass straight from the garden!! Was lovely...  

Day 59.

Day off in a really western way.

Today was raining (as always on my single day off), so my host-mom had a nice solution for going out - we went to a big shopping mall. We did spend there surprisingly lots of time - but i guess that’s what happens when you go to a shopping mall. I did buy some thing for myself as well, couldn’t resist - bought nice knitted shorts for winter and leggings, because it was on sale!!! Afterwards we went to 100 Yen shop and since i had a to-buy-list for that one, i filled my backpack with things for myself and souvenirs.

When we came back after dinner it was already pretty late, so we spent basically the whole day shopping and strolling through shops, but it didn’t become difficult, like for example visiting their friends. It wasn’t maybe as personal, even though my host-mom wanted to go there, because she was looking for a b-day present, but still... I wasn’t dragged in their really personal and intimate lives, which let me relax a little bit.

By the way, that was my last day off, since i’m leaving just before the next one. Time passed by extremely fast here! It feels like just couple of days, but it’s been already 2 weeks. Wow!

Day 58. NO PICS YET.

Today was a quiet day at Nagomi, so we did some big shopping and again prepared some food and froze it for later. This time it was meat, so i couldn’t help much, but i did all i could.

Since we had lots of time for shopping, i grabbed my list as well and bought stuff i want to bring back to Europe. And that reminds me again and again, that i’m leaving so soon which makes me sad, because i would love to stay here as long as possible! This time i spent more quality time i suppose, so i attached to this country even more than the first time. Also, i could and did communicate in japanese, which gave me more freedom than last year and again, that made me connect to people and country, and culture more. Since i spent quite a lot time with japanese people in their own surroundings, i got to be part of their lives, part of true japan (as much as it can be diverse depending on every family), so it’s gonna be hard for me to go back to european style of living. Especially food... I’m already going berserk in asian shops, but now i’m gonna know exactly what i want and most likely i’m not gonna find me which is gonna lead me to a big disappointment.

Leaving bad things aside, i was happy to prepare potato pancakes - typical lithuanian dish, and so spread the lithuanian culture (which i’m unfortunately not a big fan of) in Japan. I have to admit, that food is quite ok in Lithuania, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed. I was lucky to be able to get Hokkaidou sour cream and Hokkaidou potatoes, because they are most similar to lithuanian ones and i have to admit - Hokkaidou sour cream is REALLY good. I was soo happy after tasting it, because in Germany, even though it’s closer to Lithuania, you cannot find proper sour cream - it’s all watery and doesn’t taste as good. Well, my hosts liked those pancakes and i did too. On sunday i’m gonna prepare sweet dinner - german milk rice and lithuanian sweet fruits soup - the idea of it was a big surprise to my host parents, so i’m really excited about that one. I hope they’re gonna like it...

Day 57.

I cannot believe it's actually happening here in this place, but i'm a little bit losing track of time again and if not this blog i would definitely lose it pretty quick. I don't really know which date it is or what week day, and i'm happy to have computer, cell phone and watch where i can always look for help. But as often as i look at the watch for the date, i forget it all over again.

Days here started to melt finally... I already know what to do when, i already got closer to the hosts, so i can feel a little bit more at ease some times (not always though...). As people they are really amazing so i'm happy i could meet them!

Today, i talked to this customer, a friend of my hosts (like most of the customers). And got praised a little bit by my host afterwards, cause normally i don't talk too much to the customers. It's not just about me, being nervous about my japanese, but also about me, being perfectionist and being unhappy when i mess up, but mostly about the thing, that i don't know how to approach them, or/and what to talk about. I mean, they're like totally not in my world (except for being japanese...), they're totally strangers to me and it's not like you always just go to the customers and start chatting like you've been best friends for ever! So well, maybe you do, but i don't. Maybe it's my problem, maybe i should talk to the customers more, but well i do it slowly and that was the first step, i guess.

Day 56.NO PICS YET.

Today was a pretty easy going day... We had quite a few customers at lunch time, but no reservations in the evening, so we had a nice dinner and came back around 10 pm - quite early.

Since Nagomi wasn't busy we did some preparations. We made lots of veggie meat for burgers and, my favourite part, we made coconut and strawberry ice cream!

Today, filled with disappointment and uselessness i just HAD to get my jeans out of my suitcase and see if they still fit me. It was pretty hot, so long pants is not a good idea in Japan even if it's already september - it is still hot, but i just had to do it... And thanx god it still fits me. Well it looks not as good as it used to, but i still can put them on. Well, as much as i hate that weight i gained there's a good side of this - i get to lose it again which is lots of happiness every time i see i get slimmer!!! Always have to look at the good side, huh?

Day 55.

Almost vacation today... We didn't work at lunch time and if not that reservation from a famous person, that came just while we were sightseeing a little bit, i don't know if we would have worked at all. But one reservation didn't hurt anyone! And we started just from 5 pm today, so i guess it's fair.

I was glad i could have a little bit more time than regular this morning... I did may things, started planning university, filled my agenda with when-to-do-what lists, started choosing additional subjects for studying - i'm thinking i'm going for russian and/or indonesian. I wanted to do DaF (German as foreign language), because i really love it, and i like the teachers, but every single class of that subject crosses with my main classes, so i cannot choose it. Pity, i was really upset by that. But it's never perfect in life, huh? Anyways, there's a lot of new subjects available which woke my interests to come back to that university a little bit more! But what i didn't like was that japanese is also available, which means that there might be newbies in the language course with us, which brings our already low level and further down...

For lunch we went to a park to have a picnic! I looove picnics! We didn't prepare anything by ourselves, because i think it was kinda spontaneous thing, so we had to buy everything, but that doesn't matter, because picnics - any picnics - rule! So we went to this nice quiet park surrounded by tea bushes... Was really beautiful and interesting. And that park had a small organic (i suppose) vegetables shop, where everything's pretty cheap, so we bought vegetables and fruits. Prices were really good except for honey - it was as expensive as hell (just like about everywhere), which makes me crave more and more for a true lithuanian honey. To be completely exact - for honey from my parents bee hives.

After our small picnic we went to a shrine and fed fishes and turtles. The smallest boy kept on eating the fish food, because it was actually kinda delicious and sweet - i tried it. There's gonna be a big festival in that shrine, but i'm not gonna be in Omaezaki anymore...

Before this small trip i managed to order pictures for my exhibition and with having done that i'm completely ready for the exhibition to come, just need to calm down my nerves and be positive about it! I already started doing my portfolio, since i'll have to show something when i'm going to UK. So it was a productive day for me - glad about it!

Day 53.

Today my hosts have wedding to attend, so we had a day off!! (Magical combination of words for me by now) And i managed to stay at home for the whole day and sleep, rest, do some crap...

I was planning to go to the beach, but i fell asleep and when i woke up it was dark already, so i kinda didn't wanna drive a bike in a city that i don't know when it's dark. So i just stayed at home, watched Mononoke Princess again - a beautiful beautiful movie. I also cooked today which was fun, since i normally cook every day for myself (i live alone), but here i always get food prepared by the hosts mostly. Well i do help, and i did make pizzas once and miso soup once, but normally i'm not the cook here, so it's unusual for me and i really truly miss cooking.

As the flight back to Europe draws nearer and nearer, i start going back to the routine in my mind. Today i took a look at job ads, since i really need a job back at home. I lost my last spot - long and sad story... Well, that's what you get for being a foreigner in eastern parts of germany. I wish i could do what i really like, which would be photography. It would be great to get a job somewhere in the paper or just sell my pictures as free lancer, so i might wanna start advertising myself every now and then. I've done weddings as well, so i could do that again, i can retouch pictures, i could do sales advertising photography a little bit as well, if i bought the light tent, so i really have to start doing something like that. But for a steady job i also wanna do something i really like, so i've been looking into kitchen work. There's one really tempting offer - they even don't request experiences and can get you a chef license after a while - that would be a wise step into the future. So i'll let it rest for a while, wrote down all the numbers and address and i'll start applying as soon as i've decided if i wanna go for the kitchen - work there is really tough, that i know really well.

I have to already make plans of what i exactly do when after coming back to Europe - lots of things are on my mind already. But i kinda like it, this here is not a real life for me. It's always amazing being here and i never wanna leave, but to be honest, i love being busy with thing that mean to me a lot personally as well, so it's kinda nice to go back to my own life. Then again, my own life means my own shit, which i have quite a lot back there. But i'll manage!

Day 52.

Was a busy busy day!

I slowly am going back to my regular eating and getting the comments, that i barely eat - well good for me. The first week after Sasayama i was eating like crazy, i even got remarks about it, so i felt embarrassed a little bit. This is also the reason for an extreme diet after i come back from Japan - i crossed my definite stop-limit when it comes to weight and i feel terrible... And i don't like myself anymore, which is not good. I don't care too much about what scales say, never cared about it, but i do care about how i feel about myself - and i was glowing and happy with my looks before i left to Japan. Right now i gained already 4 kg... That's extreme! I have cheeks now! I wanna do sports here, because my body is out of tune, but it's just too hot to do anything outside, i would probably die after 5 minutes jogging. So i'm just enjoying here and now and gonna starve those 4 kg away when i'm back in Europe i guess... Just kidding, i'm not the starving type - i have clever techniques. But it's not gonna be easy.

Leaving that behind, i have to repeat it again: it was a busy busy day... Even though we didn't have that many people today, it somehow was pretty stressful, since we had three different groups and one of them wasn't there for BBQ, but just regular eating out people, so we had different orders and they ate quite a lot and diverse... At some point we almost ran out of glasses for drinks and ice cubes!

It wasn't just busy, it was long as well... Today my host-mom offered me a lift back home while the hosts stayed in the shop for another while - it was almost 1 oclock already! And i felt really nice that she brought me back home... I think that's the way it should be. I'm just a wwoofer after all, and they're the owners.