Dear stranger...

Dear stranger,

when i used to be upset when i was small, my mum would tell me i should write a letter to someone who might or might not exist, to a stranger - to a recipient without any certain form and at the same time with all possible forms i could come up with. However, i don't know whether it's her or him, whether it's old or young, i don't even need to worry about whether this recipient is gonna understand me and furthermore - whether it's gonna support me. Just writing to a stranger, that's what i should do, when i need someone, anyone to listen to me, to be there for me without anyone actually sitting at my side and listening to my story, that's what i should do, when i need to make up my mind or find a heaven of serenity, when i need an advice which no one can actually give to me, but me myself... And so i did. Couple of times, maybe four or five but not more and if i thought really intensively it might have been just two or three, i will probably never know that anymore. However, that was before my fingers got stiff and numb and didn't wanna go crazy on my keyboard, like they used to do, that was before i could build neat sentences out of the mess in my head and in my heart. Then i stopped writing at once, but i do miss my stranger sometimes who would always listen, who would always be patient, who would accept what i want to tell no matter how big of a nonsense it actually is. 

Today is one of those days when i'm a big mess. To be really honest to myself and to you, my dear stranger, i've been a mess since a while now and i'm in desperate need in writing to no one and someone at once. I wanna stay the same strong and happy person i normally am, but it's just bits and pieces of that person i was proud of, or to be exact - i came to be proud of. Every day's been a struggle ever since my personal life got messed up. And now, when i'm in this big pile of crap, i know what was the step i should have never taken but it's not to be changed easily at the moment and i believe that is the very fact which is buzzing me at most. I am used to working hard to reach my goals, i am used to being thrown back down and going all the way up - successfully, it's ok for me to forget about the rest of the world if i have one certain thing which has to be done, it's even ok to do sacrifices, but the feeling of uselessness, the feeling of being vulnerable, the feeling of not having control what so ever of my own life, the feeling i am going down: those are dreadful and nasty feelings to carry around with you all the time. And it's getting more and more agonizing. If i normally shine and have small rainbows around me, right now i would have a cloud of rain above me and be stuck in a mist of agony without not really knowing how to get out.  The only thing that helps me keep my head above the water is one simple fact, a certain knowing that it is gonna be over next year, probably not sooner than end of the year, but it doesn't matter that much - i had my bad times and i was able to get back on my feet, to raise my head and move on, that's what i have: ability to get back on my feet. And this is that small light i can see somewhere out there, as if there were a small lighthouse telling me where to head. I want to get out of my current life and set myself free. It's been hard but somehow i could bear with it, but everything changed after i had five days of being somewhere else, and not just somewhere, but in a place i always calm down, get balanced, find myself and can be completely happy and most important - i can return to being the person i want to be and used to be before this mess started.

I am not happy and i admit it. I have the ability to be happy and shine however, and God knows (or knew, if he existed) i use it every single time i get the chance but then i go back home and go back into my shell, so just a small part of me becomes visible, but also, i have the luxury of protecting myself from the outside world which can harm me when i'm so fragile. Things that came naturally before i have to TRY to manage now, it doesn't just happen anymore, i have to MAKE it happen. And my life wasn't always easy and happy, not at all, but i worked 20 years for it to become stable and i was happy about that, i am not gonna let anyone ruin it. It might be years of mess, but now i know i am able to do it right and i will never ever accept doing it wrong... 

I don't know why my mum suggested me this way of letting my emotions and thoughts to come out, but now i do remember why i never ended a single letter to you, dear stranger. The writing itself calms me down but at the same time tires me immensely, because writing something like that without a certain recipient means that i don't have to hold anything back, or that i don't need to think how i put it down in words, because there can not be any rejection or laughing or disbelief, it's just the acceptance in its purest form, which comes immediately after writing. In the middle of such kind of letter i come to look at my own current status from a bit different position, i come to understand them better and also i make the mess inside my head real, i give it a form, i give it colour, mood, i give it energy and that is something i can handle with. I know it really exists and after writing about it i can move on to making it better, since i don't have to carry this baggage around with me. 

Such writing is like a pacifier for a person like me and it seems to be working quite well. It's almost 2 am and i'm working tomorrow... I wasn't getting any sleep in a state i was in before "Dear stranger" appeared on my screen and right now i can give it a rest and let my body and mind have a small break. Although i wish there wasn't anyone besides me except my cats, but that cannot be solved just by writing this. Unfortunately.

Good night. I wish myself happiness.