What do you do when you don't have anywhere else to go, anyone else to turn to, any solution to grab? No, you don't kill yourself. You give yourself some time to deal with it, you try to stand the pain, you try to keep yourself together, you try to think clearly which you fail at, but you still try. You swallow all the fucking sobs and all the sympathy for humanity and you raise your head into the fucking sky, so high that you barely see where you're going. That's the stuff... Surely, you'll have to start looking where you're going soon enough, but for a minute, just for a plain minute, you enjoy the coldness that's been put in you.
Everyone's been offering their help, but it's not so easy for me to move around while my right foot's not working, people... Thank you for being there for me. That's already good. But it's difficult for me to leave everything here and go there to sleep on your couches - it's simply difficult right now. When i can walk better, i will think about your couches and might even do it. And if you really wanna support me, don't push me to go to the police, don't call me weak when i don't press charges, just simply support me: hear out, distract, go out with me, do things with me... Do not moralize, do not patronize - just be there for me. And if that's too much to ask, then don't be there for me, but also don't say a thing about the whole situation.
I'm in a dark place. And it's not easy. I've been dealing with this fairly good, but i cannot be Missis fucking Nice to everyone every day. How many times did i wipe my tears away, just before getting into the tram for work, how many times did i force a smile while going to the wedding to take pictures of such a magical moment. How many times did i put all the shit i've been going through into the deepest corners of my mind, so i can smile and enjoy the life, so i can even stop for a moment and smell the flowers, so i can be there for you.
I know one should avoid HATE by any means, but i feel it running through me, going up and down my veins, grabbing my heart, blocking my mind. And it's not just some broken relationship i'm talking about. I've been fucking over that months ago! It's about a person who is utterly damaged, who will push me from the chair, knowing i cannot walk on my right foot and hurt it, while it's been just couple of days since the accident. It's about a person who would scream at me, diss me, who would call me names, it's about someone who is so fucking disturbed he does things to me and then goes banging his fucking head against the wall until his forehead's blue. It's about someone who is raping me mentally for months now. It's about someone who's so fucking out of his mind, that he cannot accept rejection, he cannot stay still when i say i don't wanna talk to him, cause i'm busy. He's fucking calling me standing in his room 5 meters away from mine - thank god i have a key and he cannot get in... And if i need to go to the toilet he would block the door, so i cannot go back into my room.
And and all i can do is think about the moment i can walk again and be out of the house more often, also moving out and opening a new page. I'm moving out in May. I'm seeing him for the last time in August.
Everyone who is reading this blog is now getting a simple task: third time i'm crying my fucking heart out because of someone, you're taking me and making me to dump that piece of shit, cause no one is worth my pain. No one has the right to damage me. If i find the right one (IF) he won't make me cry this much...
Once upon a time i didn't care if it hurt, i was going forward. Then once i decided to build a wall upon my heart. It worked for a while, but i got lonely and fell into this trap called relationship. Right now i'm so cynical towards love that it's hard to believe that anyone at all can love anyone - it seems like a big fucking movie - no one is actually in love, people are just lonely and pretend they're better being together. Talking of which - movies. That's an awesome thing. They're full of this bullshit. They're full of romance, of happiness, marriage, couples being together through thick and thin. They show us and make us believe that kind of happiness exist: with lots of cuddling and smiling, laughing, taking silly pictures, finally getting married, having all figured out. Well fuck that. I cannot believe it's true for a while. Maybe it's because my parents used to fight a lot when i was kid, maybe it's because my heart has been broken couple of times now, maybe it's because i'm young and wanted to believe i found my happiness even if it's just for a short moment, but i just cannot believe in happiness at the moment. Well, don't understand me wrong - i believe in happiness in general, i can be happy easily, but i cannot believe in happiness which comes from a bond of two people. That's a fake movie scene for me now.
Everything i now wanna do is sit down and write a book. But i've lost it long ago and won't ever get back... I won't be able to write, but funnily when i'm in a situation like this i just wanna write a book. Sit down, forget to eat, drink, go to the loo, just write from page 1 to page 218. But that's just another movie scene i guess...
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