I cannot be one-sided. Call me a bitch, call me a materialist, call me anything you want and i won’t even care! And i’ll even do you a favor and call myself selfish, so you don’t have to do the whole work. I am selfish, because i am happy and embrace it, because my life gives me joy, i am fucking selfish, because i say i am blessed. But then also, i am cursed at the same time and struggle with so many things. That’s who and how i am: i am black and white, i am happy and sad, i am always all the colours of the rainbow.
I can manage to understand things i wouldn’t even consider doing or having in my life, i try to put myself in a position of someone else in order to really get what he’s telling me and it works. Then again all those sides of me kind of mess up with the “nice” picture.
I can be romantic to death but there’s always a traffic light which stops me for a realistic minute. And this is why i’m so cursed. It’s difficult trying to live a dream when you’re always getting back to the real world and making decisions, thinking whether it really can work out, analyzing yourself. And there’s so many people who don’t understand me and who get bounced off of me just because they think i’m a cynical greedy egoist - i even would agree on the first one. But as much as i can be a cynic, i can fall for someone and be as naive as a fish going after bait. So what if i make plans and think about real things like paying rent and having enough money to live through the next couple of months. So what if i think 5 years ahead? I still get caught in the moment when he makes me laugh, i still lose myself in his eyes, i still enjoy living in this very moment. And i live slowly, enjoying the moments, even when something goes wrong and it hurts and tears me apart i take it in knowing it makes me stronger.
I feel the emptiness of not having someone in my life. I am fragile and can be broken very quickly. I am strong as a rock and yet have to be taken care of so often. I am on my own but boy it’s so nice to see his face next to me when i wake up.
It’s always the small things. Seeing that someone smile or laugh and trying to remember all the wrinkles around his eyes. Him helping out with something that’s so important for me. Him asking whether he should help in the kitchen. Getting a pat on the head. Grabbing each other’s hand for the first time. That’s how i fall in love. Completely. I’m just there getting overwhelmed with the feeling so strong you cannot deny it... and then i find myself saying it’s not gonna work out. But i will wait for that special someone whose smile will stay with me for many years and who will love me no matter what, because i give my heart away when i’m with someone and it’s always so tough to have it broken. And even if not that - it’s hard to forget about those small things and start over again. I am just a regular girl who wants to be loved. I’m someone who wants to get silly and laugh until it hurts and go for a walk without any reason and just enjoy those moments i actually get to turn off the busy mind of mine.
My mind’s a mess. No discussion. There’s so many things that happened in the last few years and the last few months have been a real roller-coaster but i am happy, i truly am. Even on those days when i’m not - i still feel lucky to be grumpy and wait for another day. I started shining again... There’s been so much input and i’m nearly bursting! My fingertips wanted to talk words and build sentences and it’s hard after all those years i haven’t been writing! I haven’t even done a proper journal. I remember how nicely i could put words together and how beautifully they used to spin around and how the stories were born. Now i can just talk about myself and my world and i am not used to expose myself in this kind of way, i’ve tried many times already and it hasn’t worked out and right now it’s so complicated because everything is just buzzing in my mind, thoughts shout at me and words come up in the middle of another sentence and i feel dragged around and it’s so challenging to write in proper sentences. But again, it’s better like that than nothing at all! I haven’t thought i would want to write so early again after it stopped so suddenly. I was expecting the urges would come around my thirties but here i am looking at my screen, seeing words flow out of me, feel my eyes tearing up and i am just thankful for everyone who’s been an input and for everything i could see, smell, hear or touch in my life. Every second i’ve lived through brought me to this moment where i’m blabbering so emotionally about my own life that’s not even interesting for most of the people on this planet.
Artists are broken people. They give all of themselves and have to find themselves again, build themselves, gather the pieces and start again and again and again... We create things with our hearts and thoughts, with our visions and hopes. We do it out of love, anger, pain, sadness, loss, betrayal - it’s not a secret we go to extremes to get the best out of ourselves. New things always triggers new ideas and I am now in this pool of new thoughts, swimming around, trying to find a way to get out and find some place to calm myself down. And i don’t want to let myself fall but it’s inevitable sometimes. So i let go of myself, enjoy the good moments and face the worst. But then i stand up and move on.
It’s been a long day, a long week, a long couple of months. It’s been a long time i actually unleashed the emotions. And now i feel so naked and yet so free. And now i should go back to the serious me and now i should go back to the real world where i feel the good moments are still short and it’s not time yet for me... But it’ll come. And i will kiss his smile in the morning and hold his hand when falling asleep. And the time will come where i’ll finally let go of these cheesy romantic opening-ups.
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