I am still here.
It's not really fun anymore and my mood is magically getting worse and worse.
It's already reached a point where i have to take time and analyze it. And find a reason.
We spent the whole day in Siem Reap - a wanna-be big city without normal streets, which would be perfectly fine, but there's a "but". I have indeed had that in the past and that was not a problem, but it just caught me unprepared this time for i was expecting something completely completely different. Also, i'm a bit edgy and get tired really quickly, i want to have my own pace a little bit more, i want to have my peace, i want to just relax and maybe be with my people.
I'm taking more and more time to keep to myself and read a book in silence.
Today we visited Angkor Wat temples... There's so many buildings that belong to the same complex! It's been quite a long day, but at least i had for the first time the whole night to sleep and recover. We left just around 8 a.m. or so, so i had plenty of time. The walking and stairs climbing (in every f.... temple!) didn't really tire me, but what got on my nerves when the day went on was our guide. He was a really warm friendly cambodian guy, but he TALKED. Fucking a lot! And especially on a day when i need my peace more than ever it got me and i got really pissed about it. On the last location i even didn't wait for him or wasn't listening to what he had to tell (do not forget - in bad russian), i just went on my own and tried to have a little bit of blissful peace, even though it didn't really work in a place with hundred million zillion tourists. I would just sneak into some corner of the biggest temple, look through the hole in the wall (or an ancient window so to say) and think about gray filters and a tripod, so i could erase those people at least with my camera and have peaceful pictures. But of course, i had neither a tripod, nor gray filters - not even one! And that's not the best thing for erasing people on a really sunny day.
Our guide at first was quite cool and did tell us some interesting things, but it started getting on my nerves already in the morning, when he every 5 minutes would emphasize the fact that the movies "Lara Croft" and "Mowgli" were filmed there. Well, cool fact, but it's enough if you say that once, but he just kept on repeating it... It just got worse, when he would start telling us stories about him climbing the bamboos and explaining the techniques of climbing and showing us how to climb if you want to be really quick and how to climb if you don't want to scratch yourself and so on. He would stop every 4-5 steps and start another story. It got worse and he went into politics - he started talking about Lenin and Brezhnev and i just couldn't stand that anymore, so i got headache. Also, my mood wasn't helping so the mix of being pissed off, upset, confused and lost made me stop for a while, even though i didn't show it too much.
We've been sightseeing for good 6 hours and all i wanted was be in a group of friends and not surrounded by either unknown tourists or by the group which shares the same bus, cause that doesn't make us friends. I think i was thinking the whole time how great it would actually be to travel with friends, but then i started thinking with who could i really travel?? After i left Lithuania i haven't found friends who have bound to me, it's just buddies, or even good buddies or maybe even friends, but unfortunately i don't think i have really GOOD friends who i can travel with and ask them to join also if it's an expensive trip - we could simply save up together and then go, but that is not possible for me anymore. And i don't know if i'll ever have really good friends, not just for a bar or club, but for something like talking for hours about real things or problems, or such friends who would be crazy enough to spend 2000 euros and go on a trip. And that's something that was on my mind the whole time. But enough of that!
It might sound really stupid, but the free 2 hours i had between the sightseeing and supper with an evening show i spent at the computer: sorting my pictures, talking to friends, being angry with myself for being in a relationship with someone who even doesn't care about me, trying to figure out how to stop the pain, because there's nothing i can do until the right time comes. I just took the time for myself, doing things i would normally do and it felt great!
Supper came and i had a belly-fiesta with lots of steamed vegetables, fried tofu and pineapples! We got to see some traditional dances, but all i was looking at was japanese couple and i was trying to find a way to get a visa and be able to live in Japan in a country i fell in love with and still do love deeply and madly and maybe a little bit too much.
After the show we went to the night market of Siem Reap and i was wrong thinking my mood's getting a little bit better. As if the problem would be actually following me no matter where i go. We decided to have a 5 minutes time-off and sat down for watermelon drinks. And i wanted to kill myself the moment i put my ass on the bench and heard japanese around me - 3 guys were also sitting there and just having a chat over the drinks. I went numb and just listened, not even to words they were saying, i just listened to the WHOLE as it came to me and again, thought of being over there and not wanting to come back to Europe. So yes, my mood is getting heavier every day.
Cambodia looks pretty poor. Prices are for some reason pretty high, corruption is just too wild. Tomorrow we're going back to Thailand and somehow i am waiting for it and looking forward to the rest of the trip. I wish i could speak thai though... It's not really fun to talk to a wall and with most of thai people you have the same feeling as if you were talking to a wall - they don't understand a word and just smile to you. It also tires me a bit. It might be stupid for me to say since i'm not a native speaker as well, but at least i can communicate.
Anyhow, i do find small things that cheer me up so it's not as bad as it might sound. It's just what's on my mind and when i unleash my fingertips my thoughts flow through them and that's what's coming out. Or would you want to read about how many stairs i climbed today in the temples?
I find details very important, since i'm sure that the small things are what makes the whole picture. I do enjoy petting a tiny kitten on the street and watching a cloud which looks like a heart out of fluff, i do enjoy fresh guava or coconut, but for that i need to go to my own world and shut off a bit. Well sucks to be me.
I will reveal one life-changing fact though. You can (and should) eat lotus seeds. I've never tried this, but right now i would love having lotuses all over in Europe and would them ALL! If you're visiting Asia, try it and you won't regret it!
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