I can't make you love me.

How come love is such a huge trigger for creativity, arts, wanting to express yourself? If I were a scientist i would like to explore that, but right now being myself i sit down to greet my keyboard and listen to the plastic buttons do their thing as i type. 

Love gives me sleepless nights, it makes me zone out because of the image of that certain person in my mind, i tend to glow and shine differently, i behave differently - it just basically completely messes up with you and yet you're there, accepting it, being happy about it, hoping for the best. And even if it makes you sad or gives you worries, you enjoy it in some kind of weird way. 

It fills you completely, weighs you down and gives you wings at the same time. You feel lost and you feel found - it's such a powerful feeling. It's erotic, it's sensual. I could go on describing it for ages, but what's the point?

How comfortable life has become. I don't even have to look for a pen or piece of paper - if i want to write immediately and i happen to sit at my computer i can start right that second. We now can talk to people online, we can see them and hear them laugh. If we'd like to visit a friend thousand miles away we can get into a plane and fly over. If we live in Europe we can find african or asian food and in Asia we cook pasta with original italian sauce and no one even thinks about it! And yet love has stayed the same. It's complex and pushes you to the limits. So many things have been done for and because of love, so many fights have been fought, so many people have been hurt, so many challenges have been taken, so many lies have been told and tears have been shed. 

With all these gadgets and appliance we use in our daily lives, we sometimes forget to live simply, to love with full hearts, to go for it. But i do wish there was a love potion. Even for one day! But i can't make you love me if you don't... And i can't definitely make you love me if you don't know i'd love to try. 

Romances are scary. You fall for someone and it takes time until your feelings calm down again. How easy would it be, if it would be automatic like almost the rest of our life is. I like you, you should like me. But it's not. 

It's fueling me. I finally feel things influencing me again. Love is powerful, it's inevitable, overwhelming. Even if it's just a short romance and attraction, it's there and when it's there you cannot run away. Especially when you so want that to happen... when you're so tired of waiting, when you're craving for comforting warmth and your wasted time to actually start meaning something. But i can't make you love me.

Cheesy romance.

I cannot be one-sided. Call me a bitch, call me a materialist, call me anything you want and i won’t even care! And i’ll even do you a favor and call myself selfish, so you don’t have to do the whole work. I am selfish, because i am happy and embrace it, because my life gives me joy, i am fucking selfish, because i say i am blessed. But then also, i am cursed at the same time and struggle with so many things. That’s who and how i am: i am black and white, i am happy and sad, i am always all the colours of the rainbow. 

I can manage to understand things i wouldn’t even consider doing or having in my life, i try to put myself in a position of someone else in order to really get what he’s telling me and it works. Then again all those sides of me kind of mess up with the “nice” picture. 

I can be romantic to death but there’s always a traffic light which stops me for a realistic minute. And this is why i’m so cursed. It’s difficult trying to live a dream when you’re always getting back to the real world and making decisions, thinking whether it really can work out, analyzing yourself. And there’s so many people who don’t understand me and who get bounced off of me just because they think i’m a cynical greedy egoist - i even would agree on the first one. But as much as i can be a cynic, i can fall for someone and be as naive as a fish going after bait. So what if i make plans and think about real things like paying rent and having enough money to live through the next couple of months. So what if i think 5 years ahead? I still get caught in the moment when he makes me laugh, i still lose myself in his eyes, i still enjoy living in this very moment. And i live slowly, enjoying the moments, even when something goes wrong and it hurts and tears me apart i take it in knowing it makes me stronger. 

I feel the emptiness of not having someone in my life. I am fragile and can be broken very quickly. I am strong as a rock and yet have to be taken care of so often. I am on my own but boy it’s so nice to see his face next to me when i wake up. 

It’s always the small things. Seeing that someone smile or laugh and trying to remember all the wrinkles around his eyes. Him helping out with something that’s so important for me. Him asking whether he should help in the kitchen. Getting a pat on the head. Grabbing each other’s hand for the first time. That’s how i fall in love. Completely. I’m just there getting overwhelmed with the feeling so strong you cannot deny it... and then i find myself saying it’s not gonna work out. But i will wait for that special someone whose smile will stay with me for many years and who will love me no matter what, because i give my heart away when i’m with someone and it’s always so tough to have it broken. And even if not that - it’s hard to forget about those small things and start over again. I am just a regular girl who wants to be loved. I’m someone who wants to get silly and laugh until it hurts and go for a walk without any reason and just enjoy those moments i actually get to turn off the busy mind of mine. 

My mind’s a mess. No discussion. There’s so many things that happened in the last few years and the last few months have been a real roller-coaster but i am happy, i truly am. Even on those days when i’m not - i still feel lucky to be grumpy and wait for another day. I started shining again... There’s been so much input and i’m nearly bursting! My fingertips wanted to talk words and build sentences and it’s hard after all those years i haven’t been writing! I haven’t even done a proper journal. I remember how nicely i could put words together and how beautifully they used to spin around and how the stories were born. Now i can just talk about myself and my world and i am not used to expose myself in this kind of way, i’ve tried many times already and it hasn’t worked out and right now it’s so complicated because everything is just buzzing in my mind, thoughts shout at me and words come up in the middle of another sentence and i feel dragged around and it’s so challenging to write in proper sentences. But again, it’s better like that than nothing at all! I haven’t thought i would want to write so early again after it stopped so suddenly. I was expecting the urges would come around my thirties but here i am looking at my screen, seeing words flow out of me, feel my eyes tearing up and i am just thankful for everyone who’s been an input and for everything i could see, smell, hear or touch in my life. Every second i’ve lived through brought me to this moment where i’m blabbering so emotionally about my own life that’s not even interesting for most of the people on this planet. 

Artists are broken people. They give all of themselves and have to find themselves again, build themselves, gather the pieces and start again and again and again... We create things with our hearts and thoughts, with our visions and hopes. We do it out of love, anger, pain, sadness, loss, betrayal - it’s not a secret we go to extremes to get the best out of ourselves. New things always triggers new ideas and I am now in this pool of new thoughts, swimming around, trying to find a way to get out and find some place to calm myself down. And i don’t want to let myself fall but it’s inevitable sometimes. So i let go of myself, enjoy the good moments and face the worst. But then i stand up and move on. 

It’s been a long day, a long week, a long couple of months. It’s been a long time i actually unleashed the emotions. And now i feel so naked and yet so free. And now i should go back to the serious me and now i should go back to the real world where i feel the good moments are still short and it’s not time yet for me... But it’ll come. And i will kiss his smile in the morning and hold his hand when falling asleep. And the time will come where i’ll finally let go of these cheesy romantic opening-ups.

Road's end.

What do you do when you don't have anywhere else to go, anyone else to turn to, any solution to grab? No, you don't kill yourself. You give yourself some time to deal with it, you try to stand the pain, you try to keep yourself together, you try to think clearly which you fail at, but you still try. You swallow all the fucking sobs and all the sympathy for humanity and you raise your head into the fucking sky, so high that you barely see where you're going. That's the stuff... Surely, you'll have to start looking where you're going soon enough, but for a minute, just for a plain minute, you enjoy the coldness that's been put in you. 

Everyone's been offering their help, but it's not so easy for me to move around while my right foot's not working, people... Thank you for being there for me. That's already good. But it's difficult for me to leave everything here and go there to sleep on your couches - it's simply difficult right now. When i can walk better, i will think about your couches and might even do it. And if you really wanna support me, don't push me to go to the police, don't call me weak when i don't press charges, just simply support me: hear out, distract, go out with me, do things with me... Do not moralize, do not patronize - just be there for me. And if that's too much to ask, then don't be there for me, but also don't say a thing about the whole situation.

I'm in a dark place. And it's not easy. I've been dealing with this fairly good, but i cannot be Missis fucking Nice to everyone every day. How many times did i wipe my tears away, just before getting into the tram for work, how many times did i force a smile while going to the wedding to take pictures of such a magical moment. How many times did i put all the shit i've been going through into the deepest corners of my mind, so i can smile and enjoy the life, so i can even stop for a moment and smell the flowers, so i can be there for you. 

I know one should avoid HATE by any means, but i feel it running through me, going up and down my veins, grabbing my heart, blocking my mind. And it's not just some broken relationship i'm talking about. I've been fucking over that months ago! It's about a person who is utterly damaged, who will push me from the chair, knowing i cannot walk on my right foot and hurt it, while it's been just couple of days since the accident. It's about a person who would scream at me, diss me, who would call me names, it's about someone who is so fucking disturbed he does things to me and then goes banging his fucking head against the wall until his forehead's blue. It's about someone who is raping me mentally for months now. It's about someone who's so fucking out of his mind, that he cannot accept rejection, he cannot stay still when i say i don't wanna talk to him, cause i'm busy. He's fucking calling me standing in his room 5 meters away from mine - thank god i have a key and he cannot get in... And if i need to go to the toilet he would block the door, so i cannot go back into my room.

And and all i can do is think about the moment i can walk again and be out of the house more often, also moving out and opening a new page. I'm moving out in May. I'm seeing him for the last time in August. 

Everyone who is reading this blog is now getting a simple task: third time i'm crying my fucking heart out because of someone, you're taking me and making me to dump that piece of shit, cause no one is worth my pain. No one has the right to damage me. If i find the right one (IF) he won't make me cry this much... 

Once upon a time i didn't care if it hurt, i was going forward. Then once i decided to build a wall upon my heart. It worked for a while, but i got lonely and fell into this trap called relationship. Right now i'm so cynical towards love that it's hard to believe that anyone at all can love anyone - it seems like a big fucking movie - no one is actually in love, people are just lonely and pretend they're better being together. Talking of which - movies. That's an awesome thing. They're full of this bullshit. They're full of romance, of happiness, marriage, couples being together through thick and thin. They show us and make us believe that kind of happiness exist: with lots of cuddling and smiling, laughing, taking silly pictures, finally getting married, having all figured out. Well fuck that. I cannot believe it's true for a while. Maybe it's because my parents used to fight a lot when i was kid, maybe it's because my heart has been broken couple of times now, maybe it's because i'm young and wanted to believe i found my happiness even if it's just for a short moment, but i just cannot believe in happiness at the moment. Well, don't understand me wrong - i believe in happiness in general, i can be happy easily, but i cannot believe in happiness which comes from a bond of two people. That's a fake movie scene for me now. 

Everything i now wanna do is sit down and write a book. But i've lost it long ago and won't ever get back... I won't be able to write, but funnily when i'm in a situation like this i just wanna write a book. Sit down, forget to eat, drink, go to the loo, just write from page 1 to page 218. But that's just another movie scene i guess... 

Thailand. Last day.

I've been on the road for the whole day: buses, ferries, planes... My trip has ended: i have thousands of pictures (am thinking about releasing a small photo-book), lots of nice memories, lots of things i could finally think about.
When i'm back i'll write another post with some interesting facts or situations that happened while in Thailand, also things i've noticed. Wait for it!

And for now: waiting for my boarding to Riga... Still sitting in Istanbul.

Thailand. Day 10.

Today we went on a tour around the island. The guide was terribly polite, but could barely talk english which disappointed us a bit, because there wasn't any group for this tour, just two of us, so we were looking forward to it and were hoping to ask all questions we had and listen about the island, but all we got was his silence. 

We again could ride an elephant! Yay! But this time we had to be ridden so to say, because the elephant-boy would sit on its head and lead the way. Our elephant was adorable though!! A 33-years old female with really soft skin which was surprising for me. I was used to really rough skin, but she was different. Also, she had nice character and could growl in a burping way. Well, all of them could... I didn't know that! She did that couple of times while i was on top of her and it all vibrated as if she turned on an engine. 

Also we got to see the biggest waterfall in Koh Chang and swim there... Really cold water!!! I guess because it's a river, so its water doesnt' get really warm. But it was fun...

We could also explore some river in kayaks, but since we didn't wanna get lost, we turned around after a while and came back on the same route. There wasn't any guide or any signs, so when we arrived at a spot where we had the ocean on the right and 5 different ways on the left, we turned around. Kayaking's fun, but not so fun when you don't know where you're going and where are you supposed (or allowed) to go. Besides, we didn't have safety vests. 

Koh Chang is really beautiful though... Some parts are really untouched by human (or barely touched) and it's lovely!! We noticed that more than half of the shore is still for sale and smiled to each other about it. Maybe one day we're gonna eat coconuts from our own plot? Who knows. If i would be rich, i would buy the whole island and just do nothing - for sake of keeping the nature as it is. It should be awesome to have a small shed there with 3 walls, cause i wouldn't bother building all 4 of them, wake up when the sun is already up high in the sky and eat coconuts and bananas. Ha! At least i know how my dreams of empty yet amazing days could/should look like now.

What i have noticed over time is that thai people are pretty heavily tattooed which is quite the opposite if you think of Japan. People there don't do that so much (yet). Although i don't really like skinny guys today i couldn't stop starring at one of them at the waterfall. Somehow the nature of him made my eyes stick to him. Sitting on the rocks at the waterfall, diving into the water every now and then, chatting and well... being tattooed so well! Sexy.
I've seen some older people tattooed as well which would mean that it's not just the youngsters doing that. My mom would just shake her head, but i see that as art! Some of them really are. And their style is so totally different from ours. I wanted to take that guy at the waterfall back home! Of course not everything is so good as you might think. After a while a really young thai girl came to swim. She was adorable, but had terrible tattoos - a cartoon like red devil and an angel which somehow looked stupid in comparison to the guy. Well, everyone has their own taste. 

Today is the last evening here... so we had our supper (last supper) on the beach at that lovely cafe and of course i ordered ice cream in coconut again and got even bigger coconut than yesterday!! I now feel like stuffed turkey and am listening to the waves crashing on the shore. It's beautiful out here... 

By the way, water's moving here! In the evening it starts to sink a little bit and in the morning it comes back to the shore where it stays for the whole day and then i goes back again. Interesting!

Tomorrow we'll be taken to the Bangkok airport and fly to Istanbul where we're gonna wait almost 10 hours until we're going back to Baltic states. And then, just couple of days more and i'm at home. It's been great, but the timing of this vacation is the worst ever! 

By the way, i finished my second book. What am i gonna do in the airport?????!!!! 

Thailand. Day 9.

Pure relaxation for me. 

That’s how it’s been today... No tours, no sightseeing, no walking to the town and back - just simply bathing in the ocean, lying in the sun and trying to make my mind empty. 

Water’s great here and i wish i could erase my memories of drowning back when i was a kid and enjoy it completely, because right now, no matter how much time passed, i am still cautious about swimming and especially diving (cautious so badly, that i basically don’t dive anymore) and cannot really let myself go even though i just love being in water! 

When i am here, far away from the real life i have back in Germany, i’m creating plans how to stay here and leave Leipzig, how to travel for years and i’m busy with deciding whether staying in Leipzig for another couple of years is the right choice. I do know i wanna go and explore, but something’s telling me i should do what i’m about to do in Germany, which however binds me to it for at least couple of years or so. 8th of December is going to be the final day to decide. We’ll see... I have the right to call it off any minute. (And no, it’s not marriage for those who are asking themselves whether i’m getting married. And no, i’m not pregnant.)

In the evening i had a crazy food festival down at the beach. I simply love the place there: it’s so cozy you can almost overdose on it! So we stayed for the whole evening and just enjoyed amazing food they serve. The last dish was coconut filled with ice cream, and i do mean FILLED completely to the top of it and it’s just 2€!! How awesome is that?? When/if i’m coming back here, the first thing is gonna be order Coconut Surprise (that’s how the dish is called). 

Tomorrow we’re going on a sightseeing tour around the island. I hope it’s gonna be nice, cause i’m wasting my precious time for doing nothing on that! Just kidding. I’m looking forward to it! We have to pack soon and gonna leave on Saturday... Someone, marry me here or take me as a hostage?

Thailand. Day 8.

Early in the morning we left mainland and went to an island called Koh Chang, which would probably mean Island of Elephants and i think i'm in heaven now...

Although there's no elephants around where we live, but there's the ocean which we see from our room, there's nearly white sand on which we now can lie the whole day (since we don't have any tours) and there's really good food and - most important - peace. Our hotel is not on a street, so we don't hear anything and even if it would be near some road it would still be pretty peaceful - the island is not really big and not stuffed with tourists and people who want to sell something for them. It's a really blissful island, lots of wild nature, lots of crazy sounds in the evening that you barely could describe or assign to any kind of animals you know, the hotel is just lovely - really well made with really friendly service and reaaaally good food (i think i have already mentioned that...). 

There's not so may people and i really enjoy it! If you see 4-5 people on the beach, it's already a lot. I immediately found a place i like to be at - it's simple swings almost completely in the water, so it's fun! It's gonna be just relaxing i guess and swimming in the ocean for now, which is good. I do need to relax. We read that this island is really pretty "fresh", since they even didn't have electricity 20 years ago. I do love seeing how green and pure it can be. Not exactly at the hotel though, but if you look further or just drive somewhere - it's amazing. I am gonna try to come back one day... 

I wish i would be crazily rich, so i could have massages every day and drink fresh coconuts, but i'll be rich in my imagination and will try to gather as much of good memories as possible. 

The whole place is not crowded and really cozy: they have lights in the trees, origami cranes, lots of plants and orchids, and even some dogs and cats which i love to pet and cannot just walk on if i see them. 

I do wish though my mom could do more on her own and gave me some peace and time for myself. It's hard when she's always around and even if i get 30 minutes without her that's about the minimum i need in order to be able to start calming down. I did go back to work to Germany (mentally), because i had to do some planning and counting, so it's been somehow productive day in comparison to the rest. I think i could get used to working in a room with a huge window facing the sea and listening to the waves crashing on the shore and exotic animals. 

I will try to grab my camera for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and do some macro shots, maybe i'll find something nice to look at. But on the other hand - i would love to take those 3 days i have now and just use it for pure relaxation. Do nothing and gather some strength for coming back, because i'll need it. Definitely. 

Waiting for tomorrow! 

Thailand. Day 6-7.

Day 6. 

The last few days were pretty quiet. Nothing really happened. 

It's getting really boring for me without people of my age or any good buddies... I  at least have free wi-fi, so i can spend my time writing my blog, surfing through facebook or just doing... well i guess nothing more to do. 

Would love to just go and sit in the sea with a coconut in my hand and couple of friends around me (or my special one which i don't even have!) or go to a club, or simply lie on the highest floor (they have a small terrace), stare at the starless sky (it's too light out here) and chat about everything and nothing with my friends. None of which is gonna happen. 

Yesterday we went to some kind of crocodile farm with elephants and lots of flowers, wild roosters and swings where i spent lots of time, since the park was way smaller than expected. "At least they have flowers" i thought while putting my macro lens on, but soon i came to realize that even though it looked like lots of flowers, it was basically the same one everywhere, so i just sat down in the shadow and thought and talked to my mum when she joined me. I got to hold a baby tiger in my arms, but it was pretty hungry and not really calm which for me made it look way cuter, but for the rest it looked like a scary beast when he was growling (or actually crying out, since he still couldn't growl). I didn't even touch the rest of the animals, cause of the stupid short chains... Some of the animals were still doing ok-ish, but a bear that they had could barely move, so i just saw it and walked further. 

The crocodile show was really stupid, the guy just walked around, stuck his head into crocodile's jaws couple of times and asked for tips.  I don't like those kinda shows in general, but this was just foolish... i took a couple of pictures for my father and left before the rest even got off their seats. 

The evening was really quiet. After walking around in the streets without any goal or destination we went back to hotel and i managed to spend the rest of the evening at the computer. I told my mom also that it's not interesting at all to be with her all the time, so she booked some more sightseeing tours. We'll at least have something proper to do. 

What's really striking me is girl business here. I couldn't count anymore how many (especially) old men buy them. You should just go out and most of the guys you'll see will have a thai girl on their side. Most of the guys are already old, some of them already hardly walking - but a thai girl as a must! I guess there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but when you see hundreds of them just in couple of minutes it makes me sad and feel sorry for those people. 

I wonder how much is a beautiful thai girl out here?

Day 7. 

Another stupid day is over... 

I even don't have anything to write about! That's definitely not the vacation i have expected. Well it is nice, but i guess the thoughts that are bothering me buzz inside my head every morning when i wake up and every evening when i have a free minute, so it messes up with my vacation. 

Since i have so much time lately, i can think about lots of things or i would say, many things come to my mind and asks me to think about them and wants my attention. Some of the topics want more attention than the rest. I am however making some decisions, but really slowly. For some real decisions i would need some time off, but my mom wouldn't do much alone. So everything's just buzzing around in my head and cannot come to peace until i haven't decided on things. 

Today we spent most of our day for sightseeing or visiting places, doesn't matter how you call it. Another park with animals and plants, which made me rather sad. And this time - really sad, i even started crying in the middle of one show! 

We went to Nong Nuch - a place with lots of gardens and fake animals (really stupid idea to make flamingos out of plastic and call that area flamingo garden). Most of the gardens were closed or so tiny you barely can see the difference between all of them, so the time passed really fast although when we looked at the map before entering we were worried if we're gonna make it in time.  

After taking a short walk through Nong Nuch it was time for shows: thai dances, thai box and elephant show. Thai dances were quite nice and i quite enjoyed it, thai boxing was really disappointing since it was just a show and wasn't real fighting. Not that i like fighting, but if it's thai boxing then it should be real. I even didn't bother taking pictures after realizing it's fake. 

The next show (and thank God the last one there) was the elephants' show. It was indeed impressive how much an animal can do, they could paint and play football and it was nice on one side, but on the other side it crushed me from inside... It's all business here in Thailand, it's all just money-making. There's no love towards animals, or appreciation or even caring. When my mum said we're going to Thailand i was hoping i could go to some kinda village in the middle of jungles and see some real pure nature, play with tigers and go swimming with elephants, but all i've seen was how to make money with animals and how to scream at them if for example an elephant doesn't sit down on a chair - as if he had to do it! It made me sad so badly i started crying and had to pull myself together. My mom noticed that and agreed very much. It was sad too look at the chains of all those animals - big and small ones. Even though Thailand is not expensive and you can get some cheap clothing, i don't think it's gonna be a country i'm in love with. Or if it's as i have wanted all the time, then the agency and marketing made a huuuge mistake somewhere. 

There's lots of russians here and they don't really care about that. It's all about spending money for them or getting drunk or seeing tigers do tricks, so i guess it's a lovely place for them. Lots of shops and bars have things written in russian, thai people would talk to you russian first and then say "no speak english" if you asked them to repeat it in other language than russian. So this commercial Thailand is good for them, but for me it's not the nicest place. 

I found some peace in the aquarium we went to afterwards, it was quite relaxing and interesting to watch - boy can i watch fishes for ages or what? Unfortunately, the tunnel we went into came to an end after maybe 10-15 minutes walking which was way too short for me. And a short tunnel meant long evening doing nothing for me. 

So, here i am - writing my blog in Thailand, surrounded by hotel guests in the lobby, most of which are russians or indians. I've already packed my stuff since we're leaving to another location tomorrow. It's gonna be a smaller island and i do hope i will find at least a little bit of nature i've wanted and so i'll be able to have my peace over there. I'm cautious though and do not put any high hopes in the rest of the trip, so i don't have to be disappointed anymore.