Die for love.

There has something personal happened, that completely sucked my energy out. Ever since yesterday i feel as if i left this world and now just observe it through some thick glass. I'm the one who's outside and everything's left inside. I cannot reach, cannot touch, cannot talk to anyone, cannot understand what's happening and even though i tried to stay on the positive side as much as possible, in the end i fell asleep with my clothes on - that's how much i felt lost.

That heaviness on Monday evening just reminded of my good intuition - evening ended with tears flowing down my cheeks. And just when i was pulling myself together after exam, which by the way, went way better than i could have expected, i received a call from my special one.

"I have another location that i have to go to on Wednesday, so i'll be coming on Thursday or Saturday",- he said.

"Where does the Friday go?",- was the most natural question that came from my heart and mind.

"There's a lot of traffic jams on highways on Friday - it's really impossible, so that's why i would rather go on Saturday.",- was explanation that crushed me.

I was shocked at first, angry and sad. But as i was on my way to my friend to watch soccer, i just couldn't possibly go deeper in this matter. So it happened just after i came back home, sat down and then it got me.

Of course, it's rather a figure of speech, but i could die for love. There's nothing at the moment, that comes to my head, which i couldn't do for the sake of love. When i love, i give 100% of me, i dive into that feeling completely without any exceptions. What i would do is visit that something on Wednesday, get into car and GO! I wouldn't imagine waiting until Thursday let alone until Saturday. And no traffic jam would stop me, if i'm going to someone i truly love. Especially knowing, that Thursday is my last free day, and starting Friday i'm working every day.

It is unmeasurable how lost i feel. This for me is understandable. But is it acceptable? I still don't know...

This morning i had a short conversation with one of my good friends and he brought me back to reality, explained me how it might be working. I do understand, that my partner is way older and his rational thinking has taken over him long ago, but i couldn't imagine this could be happening! And i don't know if i'm ready to lose this love thrill just now.

After conversation with me friend though, i felt calmed down, because there it was: another perception of love and feeling, a perception that has of course always existed, but has never crossed my mind. Gosh, how different people can be, huh?

Zoo and more...

Today it is somehow difficult to write, even though i have so many things i could write about. And i don't know why it's blocked inside of my head. Maybe because it's the last day before my exam and even though i look pretty calm i'm panicking like shit inside. Even though i had a great day i feel some kinda strange heaviness coming and landing on me and it doesn't feel nice. I cannot get back my smile even with cookies and nice cup of cold milk... Anyway, i guess today's post is more about pictures than my writing after all.

When i was going to the zoo today i overheard a conversation in the tram, coz first of all they did talk loud, second of all, they've been siting right next to me and i forgot my iPod or my book at home, so i didn't have any choice but to listen. It was nice and sunny outside, just how it's supposed to be in summer, but those old grandmas kept on talking about how hot it is and how terrible this heat is and that they cannot sleep nor can they do anything else and so on. Is it everything what people are capable of? Complaining about something that we wanted a week ago? When it's summer, we want it to be cold, when it gets cold, we're cursing at the weather, because it is summer and it should be hot, when it rains, we want sun, when it sunny, we complain that our plants are withering, when we live in the first floor, we complain that we don't have nice view and when we move to the 5th floor we complain that there's too much climbing we have to do, but we shouldn't go for the middle in this case, because if we move to the 3rd floor we still have to do the climbing and still we don't have that nice view we want, when we are on diet we are sad that we cannot eat sweets and when we're eating sweets we're complaining about our weight, i guess i could give many more examples but i'm pretty sure you got my point. Isn't it just tiresome? I mean, it is our own choice how to look to life and if we decide to do it like that, we're not gonna be happy at all, or just very rarely, so what's the use of it? Shouldn't we just try being happy with what we have? I'm not saying i'm perfect and never complain, but i did learn how to be happy about small things and it's really helpful, because complaints will just make you miserable. My next step is to learn how to take life as it comes and stop worrying about things we cannot influence or change, because there will be always things, incidents and situations where we'll be helpless and we won't be able to shape it anyhow no matter how much efforts we'll put in.

Anyway, changing the heavy topic into something lighter i'm moving on to a nicer subject! Today i've been trying not to think about my exam at all and it kinda worked... I went to the zoo with Miyuki, so i did have an opportunity to speak some japanese and practice indirectly and that's something i like - indirect learning or learning by doing something...

And zoo is a good place for learning, because you can speak about relatively simple things (like animals...) but at the same time learn many words, because i didn't have any idea what a shark or aquarium in japanese is. Well, until now! Every day we learn something, right?

Today was an overall great day, not just because of the zoo, but also because i managed to do many other things that had to be taken care of and i'm always proud when i can do many things.

We didn't spend too much time in zoo, but i always enjoy being there... I think Leipzig's zoo is a nice place to visit, it's big, it has a lot of animals and they have really well made habitats, so they can feel more or less at home, of course if they manage to ignore those walls and fences. Anyway, because of the heat lots of animals were hiding somewhere in the shadows, sleeping or just barely moving. Red Pandas were pretty unfriendly: one of them was all the time facing the tree and turned its head just for a second (but i managed to take a picture of it! Woohoo!!) and the other one was all the time sleeping on a branch of the tree, then opened its eyes, started eating leaves and i was expecting it to wake up completely, but after that small snack it went back to sleep. Sucha disappointment. Okapis also weren't there and

giraffes were closed in a special area - no idea why, but we could

just see their heads a little bit, so it wasn't that convenient for me since i was supposed to try out my new camera. Well, i did, but i wanted to take more pictures of some exotic animals. Monkeys were also sleeping, so basically it was just a nice afternoon - we took a nice walk, went to eat afterwards, chatted and just had some nice time. You can see more pictures at the end of this post!

I met Miyuki over another japanese girl, who was looking for a tandem partner, but then on the last moment she cancelled it, but gave my number to Miyuki, who still needed someone to talk to... So i thought it's gonna be official afternoons, just exchanging things and trying to polish our languages, but it's turning out to be a nice friendship. She's a real nice person and i like her... Meeting her doesn't just mean i'm gonna get to speak my beloved to japanese, but that also means i'm gonna have nice time and just relax....

Today is a strange day after all, if i keep on thinking about it. I stumbled on the band called Radiohead today in my iTunes which made me think of a great guy Kevin which i met in Amsterdam and how badly i wanted to keep in touch with him, because i really enjoyed the evening with him (as a friend for those who are grinning already), but it just didn't work out somehow... He's not as big facebook addict, as i am, and i never write him on e-mail, so today i've kinda been busy the whole day with the thought, whether i should write him and ask how he's doing or just let it go. I guess i'm gonna leave this decision for tomorrow, because i don't want to make any additional burden on my mind until exam. I even didn't pay my bills!!!

Today i really spoiled myself, i bought cookies and chocolate for tomorrow's exam, i bought fruits. I even bought two nice books for myself, because even though i can resist sales at clothing shops, book sales is something i cannot just pass by. So i picked just one recipe book"Asian Basics", but as i was walking to the register i saw this cute book i just HAD to take, it's called "Warum Pandas Handstand machen" (why pandas do the handstand - german) and it has sucha cute cover you just cannot ignore it.... So i treated myself with two new books today. Unfortunately i don't have much time now, i'm gonna work until i leave to Japan and in Japan i won't be cooking, nor reading too much, so you can wait for review just in late october or later...

On my way back home i also bought myself a nice ice cream, so today was a really delicious day! My last but not least stop before reaching home was this cozy alternative jewelry shop, where i gave myself yet one more gift. You have to totally agree it is a cute mushroom! So after this week of preparations i might not have achieved amazing levels of my japanese, but i definitely gained maybe 2 kg, because of that nutritious eating (nuts, sweets, lots of fruits, pasta and stuff for fast dose of calories, so my brain could be working constantly), got two new books and a cute "necklace" as a gift for good work and had lots of fun, since i was skipping lectures and concentrating purely on japanese. Today everything i have to do is just repeating things and i'm gonna do that right before going to sleep, so i could fall asleep with all that information in my head.

Probably out of modesty i kept one more thing just for the end... So girls and boys, today i bought my ticket to Japan. Unfortunately, i'm leaving just on 20th of July, but i'm staying until 28th of September, so it's anyway more than 2 months and i'm totally overjoyed! I already have dreamt about it. Well, i miss Japan constantly so i'm dreaming bout it every once in a while, but normally it's past and memories, but this time i dreamt about something in the future. I'm really grateful to my mom who provided me with the money for the ticket, which was actually pretty expensive, since i'm buying it just now and leaving in less than a month. I'm gonna try saving up some money until i leave so i can buy a new lens there and some books for learning. I'm mostly gonna work there, but i'm gonna try doing couch surfing in Kyoto or Nara or anywhere in Kansai, so i can take my time making some pictures. I'm opening my first big exhibition in October, so i have to make some strong shots, because i'm not feeling too confident about those pictures i have so far from the last time. But we'll see how it goes. I wish myself lots of luck!

I guess, it's enough for today... Tomorrow i'm having one of the most important exams, i hope i can calm myself down and not fuck up. If i'm not updating my blog for more than a week, probably i didn't pass and killed myself. Just joking... I wouldn't do anything like that because of a stupid exam, but i guess you can understand how important this is.

There's some more pics of zoo:

Cake baking day!

So today i tried to bake another cake and yet again i failed... Woaaah, how difficult could it be to bake a decent cake?? It turned out way better than the first attempt, when i tried to bake an apple cake, but still it's not what i wanted. I probably should already just follow the steps of some recipe, but i wanted to do it all by myself, without any recipes and any hints. Well, lesson learned - i'm gonna learn first how to, and just then experiment on my own.

Todays cake was a mint-honey plain cake and i guess it looks way better than it actually tastes. At first, i wanted to make another apple pie, since i failed big time last time, so i wanted to improve, but as my mint is withering (yeah, we have terrible heat here in Leipzig atm...) i've decided to use chop it and use it for the batter, which was, i guess, a good idea. I whipped butter and sugar at first, then i added room-temperature egg. I first

mixed flour with the baking powder and just then added butter/egg/sugar thing and finally, poured milk on top. I also added some honey, but then i forgot it and added some more sugar which was wrong turn for the cake turned out somehow to sweet. Surprise, surprise, huh?

I cannot say, that it was a bad cake, but it sure wasn't the cake i wanted and imagined. First of all, as mentioned before, it was really too sweet, but that's just a mistake and i know why it turned out like that. But what i disliked at most was the structure of the dough again!!! It wasn't fluffy at all... Well, i didn't have to put efforts in chewing it like the apple pie, but still it wasn't what i was waiting for. And i don't know what i did wrong. But i understood couple of things.

1. Lack of patience. This is something i really have to learn when baking. Cooking isn't as bad, because i think i enjoy cooking more than making sweets, but making sweets is so much fun! I want to be good at it... Anyway, i noticed that already when i was preparing my "Love Cake" for my special one and me... I couldn't even wait until it cools down and put the icing on a warm cake, so it kinda melted a little bit. So today i did my best in waiting until the cake cools down, because i wanted honey to stay on top of the cake, but then i used up all my potential and couldn't wait any longer until the melted honey gets a bit more firm, so basically i messed up anyway in the end. Well it's just a cake, but if i had to make pralines or something more precise, i think i would fuck up big time just because of my lack of patience and that's something i'm gonna work on from now on.
2. Not wanting to admit that i CANNOT. Well, this is basically what this is all about. When i follow the recipes everything goes just fine, but i wanted to achieve it by myself, although i don't have the knowledge for it. So hop hop hooray - time for learning. I wanna know how to bake an ultimate cake without any recipe! It doesn't have to be a fancy cake, it can be a simple pound cake or something, but i want to be able to bake something sweet and good without recipe. Well, i have to admit one thing though - cheesecake that i made couple of months back (no photo though, sorry...) was pretty good and i wasn't using any recipe. But this cannot be a praise since i do have to learn the basics first, before stepping into a whole new level. I might be ok in cooking area (not meat though, since i don't eat it), but baking is something totally different.
3. Wanting to be perfect. Which is nearly impossible in our lives... There's nothing perfect, so maybe sometimes i could close my eyes and just enjoy what i have instead of looking what i could have. And, yes, practice makes perfect, so i just have to learn and try, try, try and never give up. And one day i'm gonna eat home-made cake that tastes so good i never wanna go buy cake in the shop. But today's cake definitely doesn't fall into that category - i even have a small belly ache, coz it was too sweet.

You know it's not all about cooking in today's post, even though you might think like that... The way a single human-being does something is what one is. I'm inpatient not just when i'm baking a cake and i do always want to be perfect which gives me headaches so often! And i want to know better without covering the basics and when i make mistakes, sometimes i just don't wanna admit it. Probably i should stick to things i know and explore the unknown areas little by little. We cannot redo our lives, so "practice makes perfect" doesn't count here, but if we took a closer look to our every day life and if we tried to polish our sharp edges, we could make it easier not just for the people around us, but also for ourselves, which is actually the main point!

As time for preparations for my exam passes by, i don't worry too much anymore. I did learn today and i did understand why i'm so sleepy. It was just like my special one said. I overdid with learning and now every time i opened a book, i immediately got sleepy. Probably it was my body sending my signals to stop and i tried ignoring them, but now i've decided my body knows the best. Although i learned today, i stopped when i did what was on my plan and that's enough for today. Tomorrow, on my last day before exam, i'm gonna take my camera and go to the zoo if the weather is good. I'm sure i'm gonna have lots of fun there! After all, enough is enough. I learned everything i had to and if that's not gonna be good enough, then i'm gonna try again, but for now i should stop learning and also - stop worrying, because there is nothing i can do now and there's no way i could influence the exam, so it's better for myself to calm down and enjoy some nice summer weather on the balcony...

Frustration day.

Having just couple of days left until my exam i feel my motivation fading every day more and more. Today i couldn't concentrate at all and got very much frustrated. I spent basically the whole day just for "learning", which means i didn't allow myself to start anything else, but it anyway ended in watching tons of anime and surfing in web, eventually singing, playing my guitar and felting a small gift for my mom. I did learn something, but definitely way less than i wanted to do.

Anyway, i almost finished what i've been doing for my mom as a thank you gift for my camera. It is nothing special... But my special one advised me to make something for her, since i was worrying sick about that amount of money i'm taking for her just like that... He said i shouldn't give her money back, nor should i buy anything; instead i should try making something by myself and knowing that i like to felt every once in a while when i have a spare minute (which i unfortunately barely do...), that advise appealed. It is going to be a key-chain charm, so i still have to do the part where it becomes a key chain charm, since now it doesn't have a chain, but i'm gonna finish it this weekend and send it to her on Tuesday or Monday. Take a look at it:

Green Tea Cup Charm

I have no idea, why i start lacking motivation and will exactly now, but it just happened, so i guess i have to stop complaining and start praying to any possible god and asking for luck on Tuesday. Basically i've done everything that's needed, but didn't do enough exercises and when it comes to language exercises are crucial to get used to a it, but somehow i have faith this time. It is pretty stressful though, because i know that i HAVE to pass, since i'm not gonna be in Germany by the time of second try. I'm going to London just after i come back from Japan and then i'm leaving to Lithuania and going back to Germany just in the middle of October when my lectures starts again. So the knowing that i won't be able to take the second exam also puts pressure on me...

To make it even worse, i cannot forget that out of the blue my insomnia came back. I hate waking up later than 9 o'clock in the morning and wasting all that precious time!!! And no matter how long i sleep, i still feel strange all day. My eating habits got knocked out along with my sleeping rhythm, basically i eat nothing, then stuff myself full, so i already can imagine what my scale would say and that's exactly the reason why i'm not stepping on them at least until the exam! I've decided to give my best this weekend and not learn at all on Monday - just repeat some things... And i wish all possible luck for me on Tuesday.

Leaving all the complaints and worries about my exam a little bit behind, i also wanna mention that yesterday i have the second chance to Havana Club in Leipzig. And unfortunately came back really early and really disappointed... First of all, as i had decided not to go there, i wasn't preparing for it at all, so when my friend called me and asked me out, i just came along by taking any random outfit out of my drawer and that was a bad decision indeed since yesterday we had a Dress-Up party, but that wasn't the worst part... Dance floor is really small. Drinks are really expensive (thanx god i don't drink...) and the whole club is filled with really weird people, so i couldn't relax at all. I was observing and my analytical part took over, so after maybe 20 minutes of sitting and looking around i just decided to go back home. If you like latin music and probably you should like it if you're going to Havana Club, the music is ok, not good though. We kept getting those cheesy, slow rhythms even though we barely had couples on the dance floor, so it was nearly impossible to enjoy and just move. But i have to confess, that i don't dance to latin music, or at least i don't know how to, so that was another barricade for me. I really tried to have fun, since i wanted to take some things of my mind, but i failed.

Afterwards when i was walking to the station, i saw some more people in the city that normally you don't see in the daytime. I guess i'll be avoiding friday nights from now on.

There were two more things that irritated me. First of all, that suspicious older guy in the bus, who was starring at me all the fcking time until my station. I was praying, he's not getting out at the same station as i did, but luckily he stayed in the bus, while i was marching back home.

The second thing was bunch of young boys, trying to look cool and so wearing their trousers so low, that actually the whole but was out and you can see clearly the pattern of their boxers. I mean, am i old or this is really the new fashion??? In any case, it did look just dreadful. I was just wondering, how are they walking with trousers like that?

Today is saturday. So i have three days left until my exam. I guess i'll try pushing my laptop further from me and i will force myself to sit at the books today. Even though it's difficult.

Yesterday, by the way, i came across this song by Blue Foundation and totally fell in love with it! You should definitely check it out.

Oh, sometimes i wish i could be just like my cat and sleep in the balcony throughout the whole day...

The starting point.

By typing in the title in english i've already decided which language is gonna dominate in my blog.

Today is a starting point for all of this. I've been thinking bout creating a blog for some while now, but i never dared to sit down and just do it. Well, today it's time for my first post. I think i'm already pissing people off by renewing my status in facebook every hour, so my addiction can now go to blogging. Who know's, maybe it's even gonna lead me to somewhere... Maybe my blog is gonna be one of those super popular ones that every one knows about. Probably not tho, but that still doesn't take away that thrill completely, when i think: what if.

I have no idea at all what should i write about, so i'll just let it be my second diary. But then again, not as intimate as a real one should be, since this is WorldWideWeb after all. I wouldn't like some perverts reading into my private issues.

I'm still not sure about this whole idea, because sometimes i just wanna hide from every one and then i just simply disappear for months, so you never know when my next post is gonna reach this cyber world.

There are tons of those trashy blogs filled with all kinda nonsenses, so i do hope mine isn't gonna turn into something like that.

After writing couple of lines i started asking myself, why today? Why not yesterday or not next week... Well, maybe it is just another way of running away from my preparations for the exam that's gonna take place next tuesday. I do have to learn, pretty badly as a matter of fact, but i just keep on doing every possible thing but learn: i went to take some pictures, then i found myself retouching those pictures, then i even ordered a pizza (!), which i barely do at all, i also cleaned my apartment, spend HOURS just staring at the screen, then watched anime and finally decided to start a blog. That's how my brain works today: just picking up anything i might do so i can postpone my studies. But then i try approach myself pretty directly by asking one simple question: "what's gonna happen if i fail?" Oh boy, i would be mad at myself then, so as difficult as it can get, i have to overcome that laziness and move my ass to the books sooner or later.

Anyway, *trying to push the annoying thought about exam* maybe i should read a horoscope for this week since many things are happening... Not just this blog is new for me. This week kinda marks the end of my preparations for the exam, also i had my last working day in June; this week, yesterday to be precise, i got my camera that i've been dreaming about for a while, which makes me totally overjoyed. This week also i payed my fee for the membership of WWOOF Japan, so now i just have to get in contact with those people who are looking for some workers and off i go. Yesterday evening i also had a pretty heavy, difficult, complicated and very much open conversation with my special one. It did totally bounce me off the ground tho... But thanx to that, i got to fall asleep with birds greeting morning and with light blue sky and dawning day behind my window.

It is hard to concentrate for me now, because i have so many things going on in my head, that i could start writing about different subject every 30 seconds. So every time i have to catch myself and drag back to the core of this first blog. Anyhow, first blog shouldn't become too long, right? So i guess that's my first step into this blogging labyrinth and we'll see how it goes from here.