Today i had an early start. I woke up at 6:20 in the morning and decided to get up. Starting my morning so early and doing it slowly was a good idea... Recently i've decided to do more for myself, try to set some rules or come up with activities that are just purely for ME, my soul or my body. Not rushing in the morning is gonna be number 1 in my list. For that i might have to wake up early every day, but i would rather do that, then have just 20 minutes of my morning. For instance today i woke up and just walked around in the flat a little bit, got some fresh air in the balcony and just sat down and took 5 minutes for breathing and relaxing, my shower turned into spontaneous bath and i could enjoy my tea just how i like doing it - waiting until it's not that hot and warming up my palms by holding the cup. It's a big difference from the mornings, where you just grab cup of tea and drink it in one minute, because you normally do drink tea, so it's like you cannot skip that. But rushing doesn't do any good for me.
I'm still not sure about multitasking though... Spiritually it shouldn't be good for anyone, but i'm happy i manage doing couple of things at once. And i'm afraid that without it, i wouldn't be able to fit in 24hours day.
Yesterday the moment i went to bed and saw those so familiar ceilings and that window in my room and that gently red sky we sometimes have here, i realized i'm back at home, i realized there's gonna be just me and my life from now on. And it was a little bit weird knowing, there's not gonna be wwoofing tomorrow, going to a field or serving drinks at the cafe. At that moment my adventure summer ended, but no need to pull a long face - adventure autumn awaits!
Saturday evening i became single (i guess i haven't mentioned that yet..) and that still doesn't make me as sad as i expected. It might be a good thing. But of course there's a hole in me at the moment, where He has to be. Now there's nothing and it's strange. But i'm ok, i'm dealing with that quite all right. I've been thinking today when in the bath tub, that it might be one of the good things that happened to me this year. I'm 20 years after all, have bunch of friends, am really busy and love travelling - what's the point in having crappy relationship then?? It's better not to have any and just enjoy everything life has to offer. I think it's gonna work out better than i can think. So i'm not gonna let the sadness in! I might wanna move to a new place though... This is way too big (and too expensive) for me alone. And i have to throw his perfume out, because that was one thing, that made me bite my lip off, when i opened the bathroom cabinet and smelled that familiar sense.
I had to take care of couple of things today, so i spent my morning in the city. Every step i took was confident and i did feel at home, but also, i was just eating every single piece of this city with my eyes, observing everything and my mind couldn't calm down - every minute thinking if it's really ok, that i'm back. It was as if i was weighing everything i see and comparing it to Japan, it was as if i asked myself "Can i really live here? Is it the right place?", so it was a little bit tiresome. But i feel ok. It's cold here, but i feel good breathing in that... fresh air with a pinch of winter crisp.
But being here isn't just about how the city looks like or how it feels, but it's also my real world. It's not just about IF i would like to live here, it's that i DO live here and with that i have all kinda strings attached, all kinda responsibilities. One of the biggest worry of mine is money. Right now, i have 8 Euros at the moment and i'm going to London on Friday for 5 days... That's gonna be tough. I don't have a job right now and without that i cannot afford living here, so i'll have to fix that really fast. Although everything i would like to do is just study.... And have millions and millions, so i wouldn't have to work. Dreams dreams..... I admit it - i do like it here, but i think it is gonna be just a middle stop between my start and my goal in my life.
I did some housework and there's more to come and i enjoy it! I'm finally back at my own home, where i could do what i want how i want it. I think, that's my dualistic part again - as much as i love travelling, i always will enjoy being a housewife and playing that idyllic life. And this morning was a good example of that - waking up, doing laundry, having breakfast, shopping for groceries, taking care of some other things and then going back home, having a cup of tea and just writing my blog. Perfect, isn't it?
I do realize as well, how badly i would love to work at home at my computer - writing books, articles or being an editor of something. Photography is also a good choice for me, because you do have to do lots of editing at computer. It would be really well for me, i know. But for that, i again need lots of money to be able to afford this kinda lifestyle - without a steady work. But it's gonna be my goal as well... I don't wanna be stuck in the office.
So, everyone - buy my books when i publish them and help me live the life i'm dreaming about! I wanna wake up in the middle of the night with ideas for exhibitions, books and photo shootings just like i did in Japan.
But right now i'm not in Japan anymore, i'm here, at home and i'm gonna make it work as much as possible! And gonna use every opportunity in my life i get to become a person i could be proud of.
