Being a photographer (again)

This monday i started working as a photographer, which lets me gain even more and more confidence in the path of life i've chosen for myself. Trying to become a photographer...

I guess, i should mention the details about this job, which kinda spoils the whole thing. I'm working in the shopping mall as a X-mas photographer, so i'm taking pictures of kids on santa's lap. Not really the best job you can find, but i guess i have to start somewhere, huh..? It's interesting actually and i can practice photography (and have to!) every day, even though it's not really what i would wanna do in the future - taking pictures of kids on someone's lap. Anyway, i'm not the complaining type, so i'm just happy to have this kinda opportunity. Of course, i do have a boss, but there, where i'm working, i'm the boss so to say, which is also nice i suppose. Besides, i fortunately manage to make good shots and people's comments are a big help for me to believe in myself. Comments like it's hard to pick a picture, because there's so many great ones or something like: "One is better than the previous one... and the next one's gonna be better than this one...". That actually IS nice to hear.

I'm happy i can have this experience though, because right now i can truly say, i would wanna work as a photographer on daily basis, and now i know what it would be like. It's not going too well at the moment though, because the part of the city that shopping mall is, isn't the best one, and also we're at the end of the month, which makes it even trickier, when you have to decide where you wanna spend your money. I am looking forward to December, we'll see how many customers will come. 

Natural break.

When i can't stop life gives me a natural break. 

It's so sunny and nice outside right now, but i'm here - indoors, trying to fight my flu that i got from my grandmother. That's what i get for coming back home. My nose and so the whole face feels clogged badly, headache and throat pain are here to make my days less boring as well.

I always run and make new goals, new dreams, new plans, i always forget to rest, take a break, a deep breath. As i've mentioned before i'm gonna try making my morning routine more relaxed, take the rushing out of the list, which is supposed to give me more balance. 

As for now, i have to fight off my flu and come back home safely - today's the last day in Lithuania and then i'm off to Germany, where my home, my cats, rest of the friends and university awaits. Also, practical life which i highly dislike, but well, there's no running away from that - at least not now. 

As i'm gonna enter the last year of my university it's time for me to make new future plans, which is giving me a headache. There's three of them and of course, there's always the fourth one - the unexpected one, which can be basically anything. But i will have to make my decision sooner or later and the sooner it's gonna come, the better it's gonna be. 

This blog is my little anchor of coming back to my real world, always when i travel i tend to forget about it, but when i'm back at home i always find time to sit down and write, so it became almost somewhat of a symbol of my every day life. It's slowly becoming like a diary, which i don't like too much, but as long as i don't know what to write about for big period of time in great amounts, diary will do. 

Yesterday i opened my first big exhibition and it went so much better than i've expected! I got lots of flowers and many people gathered of which quite a few offered spontaneous speeches and praised me. Everything was so new for me! I messed up my opening speech, forgot lots of things that i wanted to say and also, it's difficult for me to talk in lithuanian that fluently as i could maybe 4 years back, but well... I have some space for improvements! I came to like my pictures more and more as the exhibition went on, there were other photographers all around me who kept on taking pictures - it was really unusual, but also really nice, i cannot lie. There's gonna be an article in the paper and things like that - i just officially entered the path i wanna be on. As much as my flu is bothering me right now, i cannot forget about yesterday and that still is giving me a huge boost! My mother's birthday was just a couple days ago and i had to turn modest about the fact, that i got more flowers, than she did on her birthday... 

One woman said: "I'm sure you're gonna be famous one day and we'll be proud that your first exhibition was here.". I really REALLY hope this is gonna come true...

Slow is good.

Today i had an early start. I woke up at 6:20 in the morning and decided to get up. Starting my morning so early and doing it slowly was a good idea... Recently i've decided to do more for myself, try to set some rules or come up with activities that are just purely for ME, my soul or my body. Not rushing in the morning is gonna be number 1 in my list. For that i might have to wake up early every day, but i would rather do that, then have just 20 minutes of my morning. For instance today i woke up and just walked around in the flat a little bit, got some fresh air in the balcony and just sat down and took 5 minutes for breathing and relaxing, my shower turned into spontaneous bath and i could enjoy my tea just how i like doing it - waiting until it's not that hot and warming up my palms by holding the cup. It's a big difference from the mornings, where you just grab cup of tea and drink it in one minute, because you normally do drink tea, so it's like you cannot skip that. But rushing doesn't do any good for me. 

I'm still not sure about multitasking though... Spiritually it shouldn't be good for anyone, but i'm happy i manage doing couple of things at once. And i'm afraid that without it, i wouldn't be able to fit in 24hours day. 

Yesterday the moment i went to bed and saw those so familiar ceilings and that window in my room and that gently red sky we sometimes have here, i realized i'm back at home, i realized there's gonna be just me and my life from now on. And it was a little bit weird knowing, there's not gonna be wwoofing tomorrow, going to a field or serving drinks at the cafe. At that moment my adventure summer ended, but no need to pull a long face - adventure autumn awaits! 

Saturday evening i became single (i guess i haven't mentioned that yet..) and that still doesn't make me as sad as i expected. It might be a good thing. But of course there's a hole in me at the moment, where He has to be. Now there's nothing and it's strange. But i'm ok, i'm dealing with that quite all right. I've been thinking today when in the bath tub, that it might be one of the good things that happened to me this year. I'm 20 years after all, have bunch of friends, am really busy and love travelling - what's the point in having crappy relationship then?? It's better not to have any and just enjoy everything life has to offer. I think it's gonna work out better than i can think. So i'm not gonna let the sadness in! I might wanna move to a new place though... This is way too big (and too expensive) for me alone. And i have to throw his perfume out, because that was one thing, that made me bite my lip off, when i opened the bathroom cabinet and smelled that familiar sense. 

I had to take care of couple of things today, so i spent my morning in the city. Every step i took was confident and i did feel at home, but also, i was just eating every single piece of this city with my eyes, observing everything and my mind couldn't calm down - every minute thinking if it's really ok, that i'm back. It was as if i was weighing everything i see and comparing it to Japan, it was as if i asked myself "Can i really live here? Is it the right place?", so it was a little bit tiresome. But i feel ok. It's cold here, but i feel good breathing in that... fresh air with a pinch of winter crisp. 

But being here isn't just about how the city looks like or how it feels, but it's also my real world. It's not just about IF i would like to live here, it's that i DO live here and with that i have all kinda strings attached, all kinda responsibilities. One of the biggest worry of mine is money. Right now, i have 8 Euros at the moment and i'm going to London on Friday for 5 days... That's gonna be tough. I don't have a job right now and without that i cannot afford living here, so i'll have to fix that really fast. Although everything i would like to do is just study.... And have millions and millions, so i wouldn't have to work. Dreams dreams..... I admit it - i do like it here, but i think it is gonna be just a middle stop between my start and my goal in my life. 

I did some housework and there's more to come and i enjoy it! I'm finally back at my own home, where i could do what i want how i want it. I think, that's my dualistic part again - as much as i love travelling, i always will enjoy being a housewife and playing that idyllic life. And this morning was a good example of that - waking up, doing laundry, having breakfast, shopping for groceries, taking care of some other things and then going back home, having a cup of tea and just writing my blog. Perfect, isn't it? 

I do realize as well, how badly i would love to work at home at my computer - writing books, articles or being an editor of something. Photography is also a good choice for me, because you do have to do lots of editing at computer. It would be really well for me, i know. But for that, i again need lots of money to be able to afford this kinda lifestyle - without a steady work. But it's gonna be my goal as well... I don't wanna be stuck in the office. 

So, everyone - buy my books when i publish them and help me live the life i'm dreaming about! I wanna wake up in the middle of the night with ideas for exhibitions, books and photo shootings just like i did in Japan. 

But right now i'm not in Japan anymore, i'm here, at home and i'm gonna make it work as much as possible! And gonna use every opportunity in my life i get to become a person i could be proud of. 

Day 64. NO PICS YET.

Today for my last evening we had Okonomiyaki party with Emi-San, who is a photographer, so she also consulted me with my portfolio... Everything was so delicious, and yet so usual that i couldn't believe i am gonna leave next day in the morning. But then again, i remember one thing i told to myself when i was still back in Sasayama - i'm still too young to attach to just one thing and i have to move on in order to experience as much as possible. I stuffed my belly full with amazingly delicious okonomiyaki and sweets afterwards...

The night before, don't know why, i couldn't fall asleep until 6 oclock in the morning and i didn't take a nap through out the whole day so i expected myself to be dead by the time Emi even arrives and was worried about our little okonomiyaki party, but i wasn't even THAT tired and when i got back home i didn't have the craving for bed, like i should have had, so it was strange... But maybe it's just an energy boost i got for the last day in there!

In the afternoon a friend of hosts came by and taught me how to prepare a raw cake. It was just superb!!! We prepared peach raw cake and banana/choco raw cake - it doesn't take much time, it doesn't have to be baked, so it saves up resources and it's really refreshing - you eat it straight from the fridge (or freezer). Banana/choco has a tender flavor, while the peach cake feels light as a feather and just melts on your tongue.

This place taught me things that i really value right now and i think they're gonna be important in the future, so i'm glad i could have this kinda experience. Slowly i get a clearer vision of the life i want and every day and every step made gets me closer and closer to it. I made many many mistakes, but maybe it all worked out for the better of it - with all the mistakes made, wrong decisions and fuck ups, i now know what i want and i don't have to just go guessing around.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to Tokyo and in a week - going back to Europe...

Day 55.

Almost vacation today... We didn't work at lunch time and if not that reservation from a famous person, that came just while we were sightseeing a little bit, i don't know if we would have worked at all. But one reservation didn't hurt anyone! And we started just from 5 pm today, so i guess it's fair.

I was glad i could have a little bit more time than regular this morning... I did may things, started planning university, filled my agenda with when-to-do-what lists, started choosing additional subjects for studying - i'm thinking i'm going for russian and/or indonesian. I wanted to do DaF (German as foreign language), because i really love it, and i like the teachers, but every single class of that subject crosses with my main classes, so i cannot choose it. Pity, i was really upset by that. But it's never perfect in life, huh? Anyways, there's a lot of new subjects available which woke my interests to come back to that university a little bit more! But what i didn't like was that japanese is also available, which means that there might be newbies in the language course with us, which brings our already low level and further down...

For lunch we went to a park to have a picnic! I looove picnics! We didn't prepare anything by ourselves, because i think it was kinda spontaneous thing, so we had to buy everything, but that doesn't matter, because picnics - any picnics - rule! So we went to this nice quiet park surrounded by tea bushes... Was really beautiful and interesting. And that park had a small organic (i suppose) vegetables shop, where everything's pretty cheap, so we bought vegetables and fruits. Prices were really good except for honey - it was as expensive as hell (just like about everywhere), which makes me crave more and more for a true lithuanian honey. To be completely exact - for honey from my parents bee hives.

After our small picnic we went to a shrine and fed fishes and turtles. The smallest boy kept on eating the fish food, because it was actually kinda delicious and sweet - i tried it. There's gonna be a big festival in that shrine, but i'm not gonna be in Omaezaki anymore...

Before this small trip i managed to order pictures for my exhibition and with having done that i'm completely ready for the exhibition to come, just need to calm down my nerves and be positive about it! I already started doing my portfolio, since i'll have to show something when i'm going to UK. So it was a productive day for me - glad about it!

Day 54.

We had an early finish today! Woohoo!! We had a reservation for lunch, but none for the evening, so my hosts decided to call it a day when it was just 5 pm.

It was good for me, even though i didn't do anything remarkable in my free time. I did however grab a bike and went for a short ride in the neighborhood. I'm also done with the final pick for the exhibition, so now it's just ordering left. It's less than a month until my grand opening and i'm really happy i've decided to do it! I've never studied photography, i just learned it by doing it and experiencing new things, so i often feel insecure about my pictures, because i lack theory in order to defend them if someone says it's crap. But i guess everyone will just smile at me, even if it's terrible.

I notice that the work starts annoying me sometimes. Especially in the mornings. Today we left at 10 am, which is about 2 hours earlier than normal, so i was already a little bit afraid of what's coming today. But it turned out not so bad at all... I started sleeping worse, way worse and it's definitely a result of this kinda work, but it's just 10 more days before i leave, so i can take it. The sleep is not as important at the moment as for example my weight... Today i couldn't believe how badly i fucked up!! I don't remember the last time it was as bad as now, so it really got on my mood for the whole day. I'm angry with myself. Big time. And i've already told my host-momma that i'm gonna cut on the portions a little bit, because i don't feel good now and she understood me - she's a woman after all. (And a gorgeous one by the way...) It's a pity it's so terribly hot in Japan, because i would like to do some jogging and sports outside - i brought my exercise outfit, but for me it's just suffering to be outside, not even talking about working out. But i'll find a way. I know i will lose that weight and get back to normal look, but it's gonna cost lots of time, nerves, patience and self-confidence, which i barely have. Anyway, it's not just about the fact it's not gonna be easy, but also bout the fact, that i fucked up so much! I mean, i gained 5 kg which is A LOT and i gained them in like 2 months, but to lose them takes way longer, it's not just about the weight as well, it's also bout the body shape, because it's not gonna be nice after i lose them... Well, to sum this up in a sentence: i'm angry, disappointed, disgusted and upset.

Day 51.

Today was my day off. I wanna go there and do that, but after working like i do here, there's just one thing on your mind when you wake up on your day off - stay in bed and do nothing at all.

Anyhow, today we had a trip to some places, which at the beginning was just awesome, but then...

So first of all, we went to this... well, place, called Village. I even don't know how to call it properly. It used to be just a typical old japanese-style house, but it was renovated a little bit, so know you can live there or do things (it probably was about to break down completely... so

the renovation is just to make it look like a house again, but they didn't change anything about it!). It's like a small cafe, they have different kind

of herb, indian tea, coffee i think. They are also selling hand-made accessories, clothes, natural skin care products, honey, spices, tea - those kinda things. The house is at a small hill, surrounded by trees, bushes and basically - pure nature. It's really quiet there, if you can read/understand japanese - there's loads of interesting books, the smells are nice, so you just sit there, listen to the nature and relax, enjoy, turn off from the world a little bit.

I really enjoyed it! After a while, with a cup of nice tea

i had to take my note out and started sketching things. Handcrafting and selling it on etsy didn't quite work for us, but the idea hasn't died in my head - i really do wanna continue it. Maybe i could go through festivals or sell it for shops like that - i just have to have a decent amount of the goods.

Japan so far seems like the best location for things like that - my own business, trying to achieve something with organic/healthy living style, handcrafting, photography, basically peaceful life... For instance, you are allowed to sell/use goods made/grown by yourself, which is barely allowed in Europe. I even started thinking about importing my dad's honey into Japan... Might be good idea actually.

While travelling from A to B, i just enjoyed the view through the window, sticking my hand out and trying to catch the wind. Just like in a movie! Just like in a dream...

Sky was still gray and scary because of yesterday's typhoon, it was still raining most of the time, but i tried to ignore that. And i fell in love with Japan again and again and i don't know anymore how many times i'm gonna fall in love with this country in the future. I find here places, i like to stay at for way longer, than i'm staying, i meet people, i wanna keep as friends in the future, i like how things go here. I try to memorize every tree and bush and flower on my way, watching with my eyes wide open - i do not wanna forget anything!

I do not why, but i sometimes get the feeling that this or that village looks just like U.S. even though i've never been there... But i just get this strange feeling, and if i followed my intuition, it might be true. So right now i would like to travel through U.S. and see if i'm right!

After visiting the Village, we just kept on driving and that where the downhill for me started... We went to Shizuoka to visit hosts' friend, who i don't know.

So we went there, first of all i didn't like the guy's attitude, but not gonna post online why. It's enough to say that i reaaally was annoyed by the way he talks, moves and does the rest. Second of all, i didn't know the guy and since there was no connection what so ever, i didn't have anything to talk about to him, not to mention, that my japanese isn't good enough to just talk about anything - i'm pretty much limited to easy topics. Third of all, i was just dragged there without even asking if i want to and that really hit the core. The rest just mixed with each other and i was really sensible, couldn't manage with the noise 4 kids around me made, couldn't manage the guy, his bigger kid, who was in my eyes, really impolite, couldn't manage the smell around me, had to do something, so i just took a note, a book and went to the balcony, it didn't hold the noise too much, but at least i had my own space, where my energy could flow around me and get free a little bit, without being choked by others' energies.

This place is a huge personal struggle for myself. As much as i like my host-family, as much as i like the place where i work, it's difficult for me and i have ups and downs to often. I often feel i wanna leave and the good part is - i can leave whenever i want, but then again - i don't wanna just surrender and run. But the line between suffering and challenging is really thin here.

Today however, i managed to fight a little bit and told them i would like to leave soon... It was already evening, so i guess it wasn't too bad to ask them this kinda thing. My host-momma agreed!

So today wasn't a good day, even though it had PERFECT start... And so after my day off i feel tired.

Day 50.

I'm already looking forward to my day off! Really badly lacking time for myself here in this place... I also noticed that in the amount of pictures - i barely made any, besides of the first day off, when we went to the sea and Nagomi - the place i work, but the rest just stays behind. I have couple of hours in the morning, before the work starts, but i really don't wanna do anything, but just stay at home, lie on the bed and just do nothing.

And yet, i cannot believe it's been almost 2 months already in Japan! The trip last year was not the best one and now i start being disappointed. When i think how much i could have done, but have done nothing really much... But it cannot be changed, for it's already in the past, so there's no use for me to be upset about it anymore! I'll have my time in Tokyo this year for a couple of days, so i'll have to use it well.

Since i'm constantly busy with the exhibition, it starts living within me. Probably it should. At first it was just a random thing to do, but i started putting hopes in it, i really wish it could lead me somewhere, lead to something better. I'm trying to get a place in the capital city in Lithuania for my little exhibition and there's one potential spot, where i might get in - it would be really awesome! It's difficult for me to exhibit my works in Lithuania and hope for something, when i'm not even living there, but that's just a step into the future - i have to show myself every once in a while and it's about time i start doing that.

With business cards and postcards ordered, just the pictures are waiting to be processed. And i still haven't decided on the last choice. I have 54 potential pictures and have to go down to 20. My day off on weekend is gonna be tough!

Day 49.

Today i managed to shape my working day on my own and so i felt way better...

We again spent around 12 hours in Nagomi, but i took my laptop with me, so i could work in the pictures - and i did lots of work today. I took books, i slept, i didn't rush to work too much. I took my time, relaxed, so today the day passed by easier.

It's still hard to spend the whole day (almost) at one place, not being able to take time just for myself, but since we're staying in Nagomi all the time, i just gonna have to accept it as a fact and try to relax there and feel like at home.

Yesterday i forgot to mention, that a friend of my hosts arrived one day back and is staying with us and somehow it feels nice that someone else is here besides me. He's not a wwoofer, he's just staying with us, but he's also helping out which is really nice!

And with days going by, i come to remember what the host from Sasayama said: "it's not for the whole life that you're wwoofing, try new things, new places, try to adapt to what it is, because it's not gonna last long anyway."

Day 47.

Today we had a spontaneous day off and i was happy about it, because i had a plan to just rest, but then it all changed. I got an order and even though i didn't wanna work on sunday and on my day off, but the girl was in urgent need - the design company made a shitty title-board for her shop and she needed it on monday already! So i just had to help.... Which ate almost all of my day - i started straight after breakfast and finished just in the evening. But it did make me a little bit of money, so i cannot complain, i guess...

The rest i spent on my business cards - i already ordered them! And the tiny amount of time that was left after, i spent talking to my mom. A thing, which has to be done every once in a while i guess.

I also worked on my pictures a little bit and i'm happy it's going forward slowly! I'm gonna order postcards and pictures soon and after that it's just waiting until i fly over to Lithuania for the first opening... It's my first big thing, so i'm excited but also really nervous.

Dandelion Photography.

So i finally launched my internet page!

Check it out:

Dandelion Photography

And enjoy!

Day 36.

It's getting extremely hot again! That's kinda weird, because i thought that summer heat is over already, since it was getting cooler and cooler and then it hit us again! I even don't dare to imagine how hot it is somewhere in Tokyo or in any other big city at the moment... We're lucky to have lots of trees that filter the air through, we have mountains, so it's a little bit better than in concrete jungle. Well, to be honest - it's way better, not just a little bit.

Today i spent extremely a lot time for my internet page and i'm happy to announce that i've done almost everything and just gallery waits for the pictures to be uploaded, which i'm gonna do tomorrow and launch it! Even though it's just a stupid page on one hand, done with flash for free, but on the other hand, it means a lot for me. Even though sometimes i don't really know what i'm doing with my photography and if i'm gonna be able to achieve my goals that i have, but this is a big step towards the final goal. After all, not the result, but the process is important in most of the cases.

Today is our day off, but we had 10 kids coming to us for a small experiment, so they can have fun, we can have fun (*cough cough*) and their parents can have fun seeing the kids having fun. To be honest, i thought the whole thing needed a little bit more organizing, but it went quite well in the end. Kids seemed like having fun, and the head of this even - Seth Sensei, was also quite pleased, so the goal was more or less achieved.

Even though the experiment itself didn't go too well, basically - everyone failed, but the room was filled with laughter and positivity.

Just one negative thing on our host's side... Which is part of organizing things. It took us about 3-4 hours, even though we were told it's gonna take just around 1 hour. And then people might think, that i'm complaining again, but it's just difference in doing things. If i say, it's taking 1 hour, it shouldn't go over 2 hours at least (for me 1,5 hour would be the limit i guess...), so it's just misunderstandings. Just like with wwoof profiles sometimes - the things we have here are amazing and i'm happy to be there, but the fact that it's almost total difference than the profile isn't nice. Especially for those people who are really looking at the profile... (Like myself)

After this whole experiment thing, we had a conversation with one guy which wasn't nice. Yesterday was our "Friday" so we fucked up big time... Yoshi came over, guys had beers, snacks, we had guitar, so we relaxed too much and made too much noise. And some people got really really upset... The way of telling that was maybe wrong, because it was really judgmental and personal, but the things he was talking about were all true and reasonable. After the conversation i pretty much felt like a piece of shit, because it WAS a mistake, that we all did, and we shouldn't have done that. For all those who are gonna wwoof there i would have just one simple thing to say - if you are there, you HAVE to live like everyone around you does, which means that even though we're mostly young people, we cannot just go party all night, because it's not what we do in Tsuji. That was something good to understand for me, because it's a good experience for my life. I'm leaving Tsuji soon, but it's a good lesson for my future. Respect your surroundings not just theoretically, but be the surroundings - when you realize you're part of it, you immediately will respect it way more.

For a positive note, more pictures from the kids day:

Japanese Street Fashion

@ Hachiouji Station

Day 16.

Sigh after sigh today. Sigh because of this and that, here and there, once, twice... trice. A short break. Another sigh again... Six more seconds. Sigh.

Sigh morning.

Sigh day.

Sigh evening. Sigh sigh sigh...

Don't know what's wrong, but something's definitely not quite right here at the moment. Also, my headache and stomach ache are killing me. Today, i got a splitter in my palm and a cicada flew right into my OPENED eye! Fcking bugs... Also, i got blisters all over my feet from new working shoes. Pretty harmful day for me. But in the evening i felt a small crack in my aquarium glass... But i shouldn't get my hopes all high too fast.

From the early morning i could see and hear helicopters going back and forth for the fourth day already and it's making me nervous. Yesterday i even saw that big ass cargo helicopter!!! I should check the news, maybe there's war coming and i don't know a thing about it. Would be pretty bold, huh? I'm imagining right know what it would be, to stay in Japan for the rest of my life. Well, i would definitely stay out of Tokyo (would be bombed pretty fast probably) and get Adam to come to me, so i'm not lonely. Hmmm... And i'm staying in Japan for the rest of my life! That would be sooo awesome! Couple of days ago, i really considered the thought of marrying a japanese guy, so i can stay as much as i want. I wish i could speak fluently japanese though... Right now i cover just the basics, so it is still difficult. Well, it's more than basics that i can understand, but talking by myself is really hard. But i already understood what i lack most, and i'm gonna work on it - it's my vocabulary.

I think i really need someone to chat with, because i started talking to myself already. On top of that - i even laugh at my own jokes, which is pretty sick. It's not that i'm not communicating - i am, but i miss normal proper chats without any grammar gaps and misunderstanding, chats where i can understand everything and say anything i want, more precisely - say exactly what i want and not just go around the topic, what i'm mostly doing with japanese. Still. So after all english talking people left, i lack some every day communication, some teases, some jokes. But i'm gonna be ok! Today on my lunch break, when i was lying on my bed, suffering from pain, i got the chance to talk to my special one. It wasn't a long talk, since i had to go back to work, but i enjoyed that hour we had. He opened up once again and i was happy about that. It is a complicated relationship we're in, but i'm still hanging in. I'd be lying if i said i'm now completely confident about us, because once i lost the faith, it's hard to regain it again so quickly. I cannot see any bright future for us at the moment and that isn't something nice, but it's the reality right now. I'm sometimes worried, because i barely see any future at all. I do, but it's so blurry, it's nearly impossible to grasp. Every once in a while, a thought crosses my mind, that it's not gonna last long. Maybe a couple of years... But if that's what i have with Him - couple of years - then i'm gonna make those couple of years worth living through.

Today a Hachioji Matsuri (festival) has started and it's gonna last till Sunday, so we're planning on going there tomorrow, since it's a city near Hino. Maybe 8 minutes by train... Just two stations, so why not? It's pretty much traditional, with lots to see, i hope, so i'm gonna take my camera and make myself ready! I hope it's not gonna rain and it's not gonna be too hot, so i can enjoy it. It's a pitty that neither of previous wwoofers can go. Because Robert is far away, Adam is in Tokyo, buy not responding, James is already in states and Kathi with Sarah are working both days till the late night, so they cannot make it. I guess i'll be going with that taiwanese, but i think i'd rather just go there for pictures, which means just me and my camera.

Today again we got a nice dessert for lunch from our host-momma, but one thing annoyed me so much! Just imagine: you, entering the room and asking: "So who's gonna cook today? You or us?", and then u're getting an answer like that: "I have no idea. I just have no idea.". So what can i do? I nod, leave the room, close the door and go on with my chores without actually getting any proper answer. That's something i don't like in people... Not being able to give proper answers. She came up with an easy solution in the end - eating out. Well, it wasn't a bad idea, since we went to eat sushi and i totally stuffed myself with it! Was divine. (I'm a big fan of raw fish...) But i have to say, that in that sushi restaurant i saw sushi sorts i've never seen in my life, some of them were quite disturbing like nigiri with pork (rice ball at the bottom and something on the top - that's nigiri) or grilled beef. That's just YACK. You immediately wanna puke after seeing that, but there were also quite a few which were strange but delicious, for example i tried grilled aubergine and cheese nigiri - was really nice, had to take the second plate even. I also saw corn gunkan, okonomiyaki nigiri and many many more strange things. Oooh, those japanese people... Never satisfied with what they have, always have to create, produce, re-produce, come up with an idea, that no one has ever had! Anyway, those food amounts are getting to my hips and belly and already covering my cheek bones, so i have to reduce it quickly or else, i'm doomed... Just one note to self: if you eat chocolate after lunch and cookies after dinner, you shouldn't be whining that you're getting chubby. Well, it's just too obvious!

My photo thing is moving forward and i'm happy about that... I already found one person, who will be able to help me with the web page, so this is gonna move forward rapidly starting next week, i found a place where i can order my business cards cheap and also found where i can develop postcards, so this is also moving. I still have to decide on some other spots for the exhibition, since i don't wanna keep my exhibition just in one place. This is gonna be my first big step into photography as a profession, because my exhibition isn't just about showing myself and my artwork to the world, but there's gonna be also some postcards for sale and with the first sale my photography turns into a commercial one... It gives me the creeps even to think about it, so i guess it's better for me not to have anything in my hands on the opening day, cause everything's gonna be falling down. For now, i have to calm down and make a "to-do" list so i don't forget anything before coming back to Europe... Wish me luck!