Busy.

It's already Thursday, even though it seems as if the week had just started. I'm working every day now, so i barely have time for anything else and because of problems in our relationship i always feel tired and apathetic, but i'm trying to pull myself together as much as possible. It feels like i don't have a grip on anything anymore: time's just running out like crazy, i don't wanna do anything, so my apartment's a mess, i barely eat, so i stuff myself with anything randomly at work (which is various, mostly sweet buns and that's not the best food...) i still haven't paid the bills for this month and i basically feel shattered into thousand small pieces right now.

Today i would really like to stay at home, go back to bed and just do nothing the whole day, because everything started weighing on me too much and slowly it's getting really difficult. I even barely can write - i write and delete, rewrite and delete it again and do that 5 more times until i get a decent result. That's what i have been doing with this post for the last hour... But i have to go to work and i have to finally pay the bills, i also have to do some e-mailing for Japan, buy the train ticket to the airport and many many other things. I am pretty bad with this modern capitalistic system, i always get stressed because of simple things.

Yesterday i went to a lake, to ease up on the tension a little bit. It was pretty chilly, since it was around 22 o'clock, but i still managed to enjoy the water a little bit. I was the only one swimming, because first of all, it was chilly, second of all, it was late and third of all, my friend who came with me, didn't wanna swim, so i had the whole lake for me. Ever since i almost drowned when i was a teenager, i'm a little bit afraid of water and that makes my enjoyment less, but i try to overcome my fear and even if i cannot swim for long, i stay in water and do a little splish-splash and that makes me happy. Today i'm working until 23 o'clock, so there's no way i'm going to the lake again, but i could try going there tomorrow morning.

But even then thoughts about our relationship found their way to me. First, there were memories and then i started thinking again. I am in a complicated situation and i don't know whether i should listen to my heart or my brain. When i make a decision there's not much time until i start doubting and it's tiresome. And to make it even more complicated yesterday He got in touch with me and at that point everything i have decided before kinda faded away. We talked, we actually talked long and i asked Him couple questions... I also asked Him very obvious one "Do you wanna continue with this relationship?", He gave me a firm YES, without doubting, without considering, His voice wasn't shaking.

So i'm back from where i started on Sunday, maybe that's also one of the reasons, why for me this week seems just about to start. I would lie though, if i told that i'm thinking about Him 24/7, i would lie if i told i'm crying every day or not having fun at all, because i do laugh, i do meet friends and i feel ok. Not great, but also not terrible. I just feel apathetic, but when i have a moment of happiness, i laugh with my brightest smile.

There was one thing that was worrying me and i still haven't found an answer to that. Even though it hurt me very much what happened on this weekend, but i was surprisingly calm which gave me just two possibilities: either i know it's not over, or i understood finally He's not the right one for me. And maybe yesterday's doubts about breaking-up with Him for good puts me closer to the answer. If i'm doubting so much about breaking-up, why should i do it? Our relationship is now in a very dark phase, but maybe everything that happened is supposed to be a lesson for me, but not a reason for a break-up. But of course it had its impact on me and right now i'm gonna be more cautious. If it is not gonna go well, it's gonna be easier for me to decide in the future.

Anyway, talking about decisions, today my friend told me something really obvious, which i haven't thought about. She asked me why do i wanna decide it so fast? She told me, no one said i have to make my decision immediately and i think she's kinda right. I'm going to Japan where i'm gonna have lots of time for me and because of the time difference less time to communicate with Him and during that time i can observe myself, i can rethink everything and see if i need Him in my life or is it maybe better to continue without Him. In any case, He has a huge advantage - i'm insanely in love with Him, i care about Him and i think "us" gave me lots of experience. I had amazing moments with Him and i know one thing - i wanna have those beautiful moments with Him in the future...

Sometimes He is harsh on me and i give Him credits for that, because from His point of view, i'm way behind - He's 17 years older than me and i do lack lots of experience. And maybe this should be happening in years during the whole relationship, but we have all kinda problems at once. It might make me grow faster than i would have been able to grow on my own, but it sure is painful.

I misunderstood Him on Sunday and i grieved for something that actually didn't happen... That was a terrible experience. That's why this decision of mine is so important for me, i'm either gonna try one more time or i'm gonna break-up for good and i'm gonna stick with my decision. I'm not gonna allow myself to rush and make some stupid decisions, i do wanna love Him... I just want to find the balance in our relationship again and enjoy it. That's what i want.