Day 26.

Slowly i get the feeling i wanna stay here longer than i planned... And i’m not just talking about staying longer for couple of days and even not for couple of weeks - i’d like to stay here for months.... Maybe for 6 months or something like that. Even thought this place is not perfect, but i feel good here, i can relax and feel at ease, which is some kinda luxury in my life lately, so i put a great value on how i feel mentally, energetically and psychologically. There is one girl here, who planned to stay here for a week and now she’s been here for over a year. That’s how it is with this place... You just wanna stay. You always have work, you have lots of things to take care of, you meet loads of new interesting people and you can relax when you adapt to the working schedule and how everything’s working. I will recommend this place to everyone who’s wwoofing in Japan!

I also get the feeling that i’m welcomed here, people are warm and open. You always find someone who wants to help you or offers this and that, most of them are friendly towards you even though you might have difficulties communicating. The feeling that you are a foreign person but you are accepted is something that i don’t even have back in Germany where i live, so it’s a big contrast for me. Every once in a while there’s a big sigh when i think about things like that... I’m still on my way to find home and it’s kinda sad knowing that the place, where i’ve been living for 3 years already, doesn’t really feel like home, even though the practical life makes it my home.

With having less people here, we also have less stress which is good for all of us. The atmosphere became more relaxed and people right now are more cooperative, because when there’s over 20 people, it’s hard to get hold of everything, it’s hard to communicate between all of us and it’s getting tricky, because someone did this and that wrong, someone didn’t hear about that, someone forgot that, didn’t do that, left that and so on. Right now it’s easy to share the tasks and mostly everyone know what, when and how to do it.

Anyway, even though we have less people, today we had a harsh conversation. I was also dragged in, because i’m one of those, who don’t shut their mouth and say what they’re thinking. I had a major headache in the evening and that conversation didn’t help. I really felt bad and upset afterwards and was just boiling with black emotions. People do many things and sometimes they don’t really think about the consequences. What people also do often - they cannot pull themselves together and go to a person and say “i’m sorry”, or at least come and talk face to face about what happened. It is not nice when you fuck up and then you have to admit it and try making things better, but it’s something everyone should try to learn. It’s still difficult for me as well, but that’s why i’m thinking what i’m saying while still in conversation, so i don’t have to continue the conversation afterwards and be sorry for what i said. Human communication is complicated and complex, and some of the modern people tend to forget its necessity at all, because we fail so many times. And it is sad... It is difficult to understand other people, but why don’t we try? Why don’t we listen really well, why don’t we try thinking about the words we’re saying and why don’t we try getting better in it? For me communication is one of the most important thing in my life. I hope i will never become a person who doesn’t see further than the tip of his own nose.

One more interesting thing about this place... Well, i’ve been trying to find a good topic for my bachelor thesis and i think this place might be a good starting point. I could write about wwoofing and this kinda project, that we are doing and how does it affect this region. I don’t want to say too much about it, because it might be my bachelor subject, so i wanna keep the details to myself for now. Basically, the thing i’m doing right now would be my starting point and i would try to approach it from different perspectives. I still don’t know the topic would be approved, but i kinda like it! I had some ideas, but all of them were either too broad, or too specific and needed research, which takes too much time and is more suited for masters, or they were just too cheesy. This is something you won’t find that often and i really do think it is interesting.

Today was actually a pretty active day, i had many ideas, our group worked really well, i made some plans for the next workdays. Being active and being able to take care of something completely and doing that from the scratch makes me feel in my own shoes. Some people in here wanna be leaders way too much and by that they suppress other guys, especially the new ones, but i cannot just sit in one place - i also need responsibilities and things that i do on my own. One of the ideas cannot be done though... I wanted to build an outdoors brick oven, so we can bake bread and things that need to be done in the oven (we don’t have one), and people liked the idea. But the owner of this place doesn’t wanna have an oven, because it might be understood as potential danger. I was already dreaming about bread, so it’s a pity we cannot build it.

I would like to update my blog more often, because even my mom wrote me to my cell phone mail, which she usually doesn’t do. That really means something. So, i’m sorry guys i’m not able to keep you up to date every day, be happy for me! I’m doing fine even without constant internet connection. It’s hard, but it’s manageable.

Today i tried jogging, but my leg is still hurting too much, so i gave up after 5 minutes. I did some exercises and i should continue with that, because i do not wanna get all chubby which is already happening, but my body is pretty happy with that and to be honest - me too. We don’t work too hard, but staying in the sun is already quite a challenge. And every once in a while, we go to the supermarket or the city nearby on bikes which takes 20 minutes to 1 hour (one way). The latter one is quite an exercise.

Day 24.

So today was not the best working day for me. After yesterday’s acupuncture session my leg kept on getting worse and worse and this morning i couldn’t even walk properly. So i had to stay at home, while everyone was working. No one actually said anything bad about it and i was helping as much as possible at home, but i was having hard time dealing with that. I condemned myself and wasn’t feeling too good the first half of the day, but then i understood i cannot change anything about it, so i just tried to keep on the positive side. Our host really worried about me, which again and again reminded me, it’s not previous place anymore. In general i met way friendlier people here, for instance not just the host was calling the doctor in the morning, but the doctor himself called in the afternoon asking how’s my leg, is it getting better or worse, just taking care. He wanted to run another check up if it’s not getting better, but i started feeling slightly better by the end of the day. The day was quite good, despite the awkwardness about not being able to work. But i had a nice conversation with one of the wwoofers and the evening was lots of fun - kinda needed that to relax a little bit.

Some of us are getting quite edgy though. Today i had to bounce back one pretty sharp remark. It didn’t hurt me too much, but still scratched and even though there’s no pain, it burns. Just like weeding roses - you don’t get cut properly, but the scratches burn afterwards for a while. I already was warned about that guy, so i really just tried to flush it out of my system as soon as possible. And also, we have to understand some of them, who are staying here for months, even years - they deserve to be edgy every once in a while. Of course, the ideal way would be for them to work on their stress by themselves, not involving other people, but sometimes it happens i guess.

Because of my leg i missed something really interesting today... I was nagging about climbing to mountains from the very first day after i arrived here and today during the lunch break guys went to the mountain. It was sooo unfair - they climbed it exactly on the day, when i couldn’t walk. And tomorrow we’re having a festival, so i hope i could go at least for an hour, just to make some pictures.

Days are going by really nicely, i had first three days off, yesterday i worked, today i couldn’t do much, tomorrow we’re having a day off because of the festival, but we’re working again on Monday (had to take a look at the calendar, what day is the day after festival - no sense of time anymore...).

I have some worries that sometimes takes me away from the actual happenings and puts me in some kinda personal labyrinth. Some things are happening here, that i might wanna have avoided, but it happened already and now cannot be undone. But that spoils the fun every once in a while. I just have to pull myself together when the upset face is trying to cover my smile and that’s it!

Day 21, Day 22 and Day 23.

It is tricky indeed to use the internet here, but the reason i’m merging my posts is not the lack of internet at all. It’s just that i don’t have the need anymore to just rot at the computer. I just wanna enjoy different things, get to know other wwoofers, listen to them, talk to them, laugh, laugh, laugh with them and at them and just have great time...

I feel really good here! I wasn’t working at first, so i could relax really well on our days off - our weekend in the mid-week. I’m totally losing track of time, it’s hard to remember which day it is and i mostly don’t know the exact time. But i don’t need that anymore as well... I just feel completely relaxed and i’m just existing here and enjoying the stay... The landscape here is amazing, the air’s fresh, since the city is a bit further, it’s really quiet. All the wwoofers are mostly together, just spending time together... Our house is big and we’re all staying here except couple of people, who live in the other house just across the street, so basically they’re also hanging around with us.

Wednesday or Day 21 was our “saturday” and since the weather was quite ok, we went to the river. It was around hour long drive and then we’re arriving at this beautiful valley in between the mountains, covered with pine trees. It sounds rather casual and simple (valley, pine trees...), cause i cannot exactly describe it, but it was just more than awesome!!! Barbecuing at the river and swimming in the cool, clear water, enjoying the view and the sun... It was unbelievable. I felt as if i’m in a dream, i’ve seen those kinda rocky rivers in mountains just in the movies, to he honest and i was totally excited to be able to experience that by myself. It really feels like a dream every once in a while and i’m worried i’m gonna wake up in Germany, but at least this is a nice dream, huh? Sometimes i do think about things back in Germany and shudder even from the thought of it. Being at this place i get the feeling often, that i just wanna stay, simply be here, work, never leave. Thinking about my real life makes my smile go away for a while. But there will be time i’ll have to go back to my real life and this will stay behind as a sensational memory.

On Wednesday’s evening after dinner, one guy came, that has a local band here and visits us often, even though he’s not a wwoofer. It was a really nice evening - we just played guitars on the street outside the house and sang along... Couple of us had fun with small fireworks. We had quite a few good singers and players, so i totally enjoyed the music around me. Everyone seemed so at ease, relaxed, happy - it’s almost the total opposite from what we had at the previous host. After that we watched movies, i haven’t finished both of them, because i fell asleep in the middle of the first one and was totally dozing off during the second one, so i just decided to go to the bed. Anyhow, the second movie was just a blast! People who like alternative movies, should definitely put this one on the list and watch it as soon as possible - no kidding. It’s a really good australian movie called “Bad Boy Bobby”, it is pretty disturbing since the main character is mentally ill and he’s doing things you wouldn’t normally think about, but it is by all means worth watching.

Also, we had some new wwoofers arrive - in the morning we had a dutch couple and in the evening two more guys. Those two dutch people really arrived on good time - they even couldn’t unpack their things, just went straight to the river, so they had a nice introduction in who, how and what we are, they had the chance to get to know us in a relaxed atmosphere, which was really good. In the evening we had another australian guy and an italian, so our family is getting bigger and bigger every day. I was welcomed really warmly and just accepted to this family, which makes me really grateful. All the new guys think i’m here at least for 3-4 months (asked all of them...), but i’m here just for couple of days!!! It is weird even for me, but i feel as if i lived with these guys for ages. They are all different people, so it’s amazing that we have more or less a balanced family.

It might be because of the fact, that everyone here is a wwoofer which gives us all something in common. We have though some guys from Tokyo who are probably having difficult time here, because just imagine growing up in sucha huge metropolis like Tokyo. They probably see vegetable fields for the first time, they’ve never did weeding and definitely never cooked for over 20 people at once! So it is quite a drastic experience for them. And even though they don’t quite know what, when and how to do, they fit in and do their best.

Yesterday it was raining from the early morning. We were waiting for a typhoon actually, but it never hit us. Some of us just ignored that completely, some of us were actually waiting for it, some of it weren’t happy about that kinda weather forecast, but we never had the typhoon. Rain in Japan is mostly really nice, i already enjoyed rain last year, while working in Tokyo, so being here, in the middle of the nowhere, surrounded by mountains was even nicer than before. Since we have subtropical climate here, the rain is warm and calm (when it’s not a typhoon or tsunami). In the morning when most of the wwoofers left to the city, i stayed in the house and enjoyed the silence of here and the calming music of rain. I grabbed a cup of tea and just went outside to the back yard, meditated a little tiny bit. It felt so right and peace was coming back to me.

Most of the times it’s so hard to run away from your routine even if you understand that it’s not good for you, so all you need to do is be in a situation where you don’t have the chance to get back to your routine. I’m actually living perfectly fine even without having internet, cell phone or skype. Of course, i would like to have it every once in a while, chat to my friends, but it’s not the end of the world that i don’t have it. If i stayed here longer than planned, maybe i would be able to write again (?).

In the evening i had an opportunity to do something that i’ve been waiting for for a long long time. I got to practice Kendo!!! It was my first time, i probably sucked a lot, but it was so much fun. I didn’t get sore arm muscles, nor did i get blisters on my palms and foot that everyone experienced, so i was lucky. I guess i’m just naive to think like that, but maybe the fact that i enjoyed it so much is kind of a sign, that i should continue Kendo back in Europe. I still don’t understand how can you become good at it, because it seems nearly impossible to win a fight, but maybe after years of hard work it’s doable. Next week i’m gonna go practice it again! We have one (also new) japanese guy, who has been doing Kendo for 15 years, so maybe he can teach me things back at home on our breaks and days off.

And today was my first working day. I didn’t have any problems with waking up early in the morning (5:15 oclock), although it felt strange having breakfast that early! We had to work with wheat grains in the morning and after lunch break we went to the fields, did some weeding. It wasn’t as difficult as i expected, so i feel relieved. I thought i’m gonna be totally stressed out after the working day, but i felt well, except the leg muscle that was aching from the morning. It’s different from my previous host, because here you feel like you’re a part of the family, just doing things, but also getting something in return, when at my previous host it just felt that you’re an unpaid labor, which isn’t quite right.

During the lunch break another 2 wwoofers (again a couple) arrived, so our big family turned into a huge one! We have 21 people right now. I take pleasure in meeting all those different people, they all have their own reasons in coming to Japan, wwoofing here, wwoofing at all, they all have different backgrounds, they all can tell me different things - it’s a treasure we have here! Anyway, with so many people our balance is starting to crash a little bit. We had to decide where to accommodate the new guys and they got the room with the mosquito net and everyone freaked out, that some new guys are getting the mosquito net! We have just 4 of them and everyone wants it, so we almost ended up in a fight, but thanx god we managed to settle it down... But even after doing that, the stress was lingering around me and left just in the night after talking about it with Toby.

In the evening we had an interesting seminar on acupuncture. A doctor from Kyoto came to us and explained some things, also did couple of sessions. I was one of the lucky guys, who got to feel the needles in the body by themselves! I don’t know if i’m just a sensitive type, but i actually felt pain, even though everyone said it’s just like a small tapping or pinching and not an actual pain. It was however really interesting and i would like to continue that in the future. I pointed out my muscle pain, so the doctor worked on that: put some needles in me, stretched me, cracked my spine (that was really freaky!). He said that i grew up too fast, because it seemed like a nerve problem and it should start earliest with 30 years old, so i’m 10 years too fast. Which actually makes sense... After the session it actually hurt more than before, but i hope it’s gonna be better the next day.

I’m having lots of new experiences, i can improve myself personally and that’s something i was seeking for. I’m leaving end of this month, but i don’t wanna even think about it. At least not now...

Busy.

It's already Thursday, even though it seems as if the week had just started. I'm working every day now, so i barely have time for anything else and because of problems in our relationship i always feel tired and apathetic, but i'm trying to pull myself together as much as possible. It feels like i don't have a grip on anything anymore: time's just running out like crazy, i don't wanna do anything, so my apartment's a mess, i barely eat, so i stuff myself with anything randomly at work (which is various, mostly sweet buns and that's not the best food...) i still haven't paid the bills for this month and i basically feel shattered into thousand small pieces right now.

Today i would really like to stay at home, go back to bed and just do nothing the whole day, because everything started weighing on me too much and slowly it's getting really difficult. I even barely can write - i write and delete, rewrite and delete it again and do that 5 more times until i get a decent result. That's what i have been doing with this post for the last hour... But i have to go to work and i have to finally pay the bills, i also have to do some e-mailing for Japan, buy the train ticket to the airport and many many other things. I am pretty bad with this modern capitalistic system, i always get stressed because of simple things.

Yesterday i went to a lake, to ease up on the tension a little bit. It was pretty chilly, since it was around 22 o'clock, but i still managed to enjoy the water a little bit. I was the only one swimming, because first of all, it was chilly, second of all, it was late and third of all, my friend who came with me, didn't wanna swim, so i had the whole lake for me. Ever since i almost drowned when i was a teenager, i'm a little bit afraid of water and that makes my enjoyment less, but i try to overcome my fear and even if i cannot swim for long, i stay in water and do a little splish-splash and that makes me happy. Today i'm working until 23 o'clock, so there's no way i'm going to the lake again, but i could try going there tomorrow morning.

But even then thoughts about our relationship found their way to me. First, there were memories and then i started thinking again. I am in a complicated situation and i don't know whether i should listen to my heart or my brain. When i make a decision there's not much time until i start doubting and it's tiresome. And to make it even more complicated yesterday He got in touch with me and at that point everything i have decided before kinda faded away. We talked, we actually talked long and i asked Him couple questions... I also asked Him very obvious one "Do you wanna continue with this relationship?", He gave me a firm YES, without doubting, without considering, His voice wasn't shaking.

So i'm back from where i started on Sunday, maybe that's also one of the reasons, why for me this week seems just about to start. I would lie though, if i told that i'm thinking about Him 24/7, i would lie if i told i'm crying every day or not having fun at all, because i do laugh, i do meet friends and i feel ok. Not great, but also not terrible. I just feel apathetic, but when i have a moment of happiness, i laugh with my brightest smile.

There was one thing that was worrying me and i still haven't found an answer to that. Even though it hurt me very much what happened on this weekend, but i was surprisingly calm which gave me just two possibilities: either i know it's not over, or i understood finally He's not the right one for me. And maybe yesterday's doubts about breaking-up with Him for good puts me closer to the answer. If i'm doubting so much about breaking-up, why should i do it? Our relationship is now in a very dark phase, but maybe everything that happened is supposed to be a lesson for me, but not a reason for a break-up. But of course it had its impact on me and right now i'm gonna be more cautious. If it is not gonna go well, it's gonna be easier for me to decide in the future.

Anyway, talking about decisions, today my friend told me something really obvious, which i haven't thought about. She asked me why do i wanna decide it so fast? She told me, no one said i have to make my decision immediately and i think she's kinda right. I'm going to Japan where i'm gonna have lots of time for me and because of the time difference less time to communicate with Him and during that time i can observe myself, i can rethink everything and see if i need Him in my life or is it maybe better to continue without Him. In any case, He has a huge advantage - i'm insanely in love with Him, i care about Him and i think "us" gave me lots of experience. I had amazing moments with Him and i know one thing - i wanna have those beautiful moments with Him in the future...

Sometimes He is harsh on me and i give Him credits for that, because from His point of view, i'm way behind - He's 17 years older than me and i do lack lots of experience. And maybe this should be happening in years during the whole relationship, but we have all kinda problems at once. It might make me grow faster than i would have been able to grow on my own, but it sure is painful.

I misunderstood Him on Sunday and i grieved for something that actually didn't happen... That was a terrible experience. That's why this decision of mine is so important for me, i'm either gonna try one more time or i'm gonna break-up for good and i'm gonna stick with my decision. I'm not gonna allow myself to rush and make some stupid decisions, i do wanna love Him... I just want to find the balance in our relationship again and enjoy it. That's what i want.

New phase?

Well i had a wild wild weekend... I slept 5 hours in total and that's not a lot for two days and have been working all weekend. You might think it sounds fun, i was partying all the time and didn't have time to sleep, but that's unfortunately not the case this time (very unfortunately).

It all went from the top to the very bottom... On friday evening i got a call from my special one, He was saying He's coming after my work, so around 18 o'clock and i was happy to hear that. But it all turned out to be slightly different.

First of all, i couldn't sleep the whole friday night. Normally i do not drink any coffee but i was so tired at work, i thought i'm gonna grab a cup of coffee and continue working and i did so. This was the cause of my insomnia on friday - until fucking 5 o'clock in the morning i couldn't sleep. I guess that was a bad thing to do, since i'm not drinking coffee for 6-7 years already and it had a huge impact on me. Sadly, not at the moment - i was still pretty tired at work, but when i went to bed i noticed something's different. Even though i fell asleep just at 5 o'clock, i got up at 8 o'clock, just after 3 hours of sleep.

I was working on Saturday from 11 o'clock, so i had to get up pretty early anyway, but what i also wanted to do was getting ready for the evening, when He's coming. I went to shop, prepared a nice Buttermilk-Raspberry-Jelly (since it has to stay in the fridge for a while), marinated chicken for supper and just then ran to work. At work i was counting minutes until i get off and go back home, i was planning on starting to prepare the supper, so we can sit down and eat together when He arrives. When i finished working i found His message and missed call and was surprised, because the first thought was "Omg, He's already here?!", but then i got my first hit... He told me He hasn't left yet. I don't want to write about His reasons too much and what happened on the phone, because it's also part of His life and i don't have the right to publish everything in details, but long story short: His friend's car broke down and he had to help... It hit me really badly, because first of all, He really doesn't have friends (that's also fact stated by himself and it is true actually...), second of all, there's no way i could understand why couldn't He help in the morning and be late a little bit, instead of waiting the whole day and leaving just in the evening and i definitely couldn't understand how can one postpone a meeting with one's love of life so easily. So that hit me really badly, i came back home crying and hurt.

He arrived at 3 o'clock in the night. I went out for a cup of tea with couple of my friends, since i didn't want to stay at home and cry all evening. But they had to leave early and i spent hours just walking through the city alone... When he arrived we tried to fall asleep, with no hugs, no loving words before that, we exchanged just a plain "Good night", since there was this huge tension lingering between us, i guess because of the fight that occurred on Thursday. I tried talking to Him, but it didn't work out, He got too irritated, dressed and went to another room. I had to work in the morning and i still was lacking sleep from the last night, so i managed to fall asleep somehow. I woke up after two hours, He was in the bedroom, watching through the window. I got up, went to the living room and there it was. I again told Him i wanna talk... And he gave me back my apartment's keys and said He's not gonna stay (even though He planned on staying until next Sunday). And then He left... He drove 700 km to me and then left so suddenly.

When i was reminding Him about the dreams we had, about growing old together, He calmly told me that i'm not gonna be with Him. But then He told, we have lots of time now to think about what's happenedon, since i'm leaving to Japan for couple of months. Well, maybe He does want to think it over, but i think that was about the furthest point where i could go. I guess i don't need to think it over... It is hard to break up with someone you still love, but sometimes you just have to make those decisions. There are things that could make us hook up together, however i don't think they're gonna happen, so i just have to get over it. It is hard but i promised myself to cry as less as possible - so far it's working rather well. It got me unprepared actually, coz even though i knew we're gonna have to talk things through, but i never would have thought we might break up just like that.

He left, but he brought my bike here, which i'm gonna treasure till the day it breaks down or i die. There are more things that are connected to Him and they have their own meaning now.

And everything reminds me of Him at the moment and that's a challenge. I'm not gonna throw His things out, so i just have to find a way to deal with that. He left couple of T-shirts behind, His perfume is still in the bathroom, the book i bought to Him as a "welcome back home" gift left untouched as i didn't have any time for that, and even if i did, there would be no use of pushing gifts under His nose when we're in distress. My drawer is full of clothes that have a deeper meaning for me, like that dress i wanted to put on and dance with Him barefooted, or that shorts in which my butt should look sexy, He would just want to rip it apart, that blouse which He should have liked and so on... Of all things, there's dutch language which i started learning and i don't wanna give up, but i guess i'm gonna always think about Him when i use it. It's not that i'm good at it yet, but i'm not gonna stop learning it just because we broke up. Basically all my life feels still connected to Him in a way and that's the first thing i'll have to change.

It happened so quickly i sometimes think it was just a bad dream, but then i look at those two empty coke bottles and my spare keys left on the table and i know he was here, since i neither drink coke, nor leave my keys like that. I still can see Him sitting at the chair next to mine and saying "I'm not gonna stay..." and that brings a whole pile of sadness, but i'm still managing to stay strong.

Yesterday when i came back home from work, He wrote me to Skype, saying things, saying He's sorry that things turned out like they did. We said our good byes and we wished good luck to each other, so i guess this is really it... It hurts immensely to realize He's not my man of life anymore, even though i'm sure He's gonna stay my love for the rest of my life, even when there's another person right next to me and i am gonna fall in love with that other one as well, but He is gonna live on in my heart for ever. I know... I wouldn't want to delete any single moment of our relationship, because it was a wonderful experience for me, i felt loved like never before and His kisses were the best and how He cared and how He hugged me was just incredible... But everything has its ending point and i guess our relationship had that ending point faster than expected.

There are couple of things that make my heart pound faster and tears gather in my eyes.

The last time we met was around 2 months back when i went to Netherlands. That week we had was one of the best experiences in our relationship! I grew together with Him even more, our connection got stronger, He also felt the same. When i left, i knew this is gonna last. I was so sure about us... And in those couple of months everything turned around so drastically it's hard to believe in it!!! Being sure about our relationship and then see it crashing like that sure does make me feel lost...

The other thing i should rather avoid right now is thinking about the future. When i live my day i can cope with the pain and the emptiness feeling i have, but if i start thinking about things that will never happen again in the future it's hard to keep standing on my two feet. When i think that i will never see His face in the morning, when i wake up, that i will never hug Him and get a good night kiss before we fall asleep... When i start thinking that i'm not gonna ever have that thrill, when He smells my neck with His eyes closed... Those things bounce me off. Anyway, that emptiness feeling is always there.

I think it's good that i'm working now all the time, then i'm leaving to Japan, after that i'm going to London and in couple of days i'm going to open my exhibition in Lithuania and when i go back home to Germany, my new semester at the university starts the next day, so i'm gonna be busy all the time and will have no time what so ever to think about what happened, to cry and just dream about Him.

My routine didn't change too much as well. My every day life was not based not us, but purely on me, since we live in different countries. So i wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, go to university and when i come back home i'm alone, there's not one besides my two lovable cats, to greet me at the door. Of course, we have things that have become a habit. For example, we do talk on skype all the time, call each other every once in a while and things like that, well mostly i'm behind all those doings, because i need way more attention than He does. But anyway, my point is that the way i am actually living won't change too much and that's also good. It's not gonna be so difficult for me to get over it... But i have to be honest, i didn't think i'm gonna lack those skype conversations so much! It's actually the first day and when i came back from home i new that there's not gonna be any messages on skype and i'm not gonna hear His voice and it made me feel unease. But i'm sure i'm gonna get used to it. This morning when i woke up, i again realized that i'm not gonna see Him ever again in this bed, next to me, but my brain managed to comfort me by throwing a thought to the front, that one day, there is gonna be another person, who's gonna kiss me and squeeze me in the morning and then we're gonna cuddle together for a while and whisper all kinda nice things to each other, before we get up. It's hard, especially when i thought that His kiss in the morning was the nicest, His smell was the only one that could turn me on, and Cookie, Bright Eyes and Wiggles were the names that suited me the best. I think i won't hear them ever again as well...

I guess i'm entering a new life phase right now. It's not gonna be easy, but it's gonna be just fine one day. I know, i just don't know when that day will come. Wish me luck, that's all i could be asking right now.

***There is one thing that still buzzes me tho. I'm afraid He's hiding something... And that would be really painful, since He was the person i believed in no matter what. But i guess i will never know...