Day 10.

Today was a busy day. And basically, it started in the middle of the night. I couldn't fall asleep properly because of the movie (we watched The Fourth Kind) and everything annoyed me: the leaves in the wind, the fan, the clocks ticking, even my own breathing. I put some music in the ears and i gradually fell asleep when at one point, my eyes opened wide and i felt something's wrong. I ran to the corridor, where i found Kazuko standing near the bathroom, so i asked whether everything's ok. She told me everything's fine and i felt relieved and probably a little bit embarrassed for running out of the room like that and asking suspicious questions. But then, when i was turning around to go back, i hear Adam's (another wwoofer) voice from the bathroom, even though he's not supposed to be in this house in the middle of the night, and then Kazuko asked: "Excuse me, could you help me putting bandages?". Adam fell from the bike and hurt his hands and chin, so we cleaned the wounds and put some bandages on it. He was really nervous, which continued through out the whole day. And i understood him, but when i realized he's just worrying about his looks, it kinda didn't look that serious anymore. I mean, shit happens, but a scar on a chin of a man didn't hurt anyone yet. But it is his body and i guess his business, not mine...

After that i again couldn't fall asleep properly, but this time not just because of the movie but also because of Adam. My head was just buzzing with different thoughts. This got on my mood later on. In the morning, even though i was pretty tired, i even went jogging despite all the heat and my still hurting skin (from sunburn). But i really had to clear my mind. I feel this weight on me and it's getting heavier and heavier every minute. No idea where this negative energy comes from and why, but i have to accept it and deal with it.

The work itself wasn't as bad as i expected. I thought our host is gonna be totally bitchy towards us, because of last evening, but it wasn't quite the case. She was actually pretty friendly. I worked a lot though... In comparison to other days, it really felt like a normal working day. In the morning i baked french non-sweet vegetables cake and i was again totally overjoyed!

Since my cookies didn't turn out the way i want yesterday, i was afraid, i'm not gonna get any cooking tasks ever again! But i was wrong, thanx god. In the morning, while gathering all the ingredients in the kitchen, i've noticed a plastic box with my cookies, that she took for the kitchen. And that really made my morning. Big time! I was so upset about those cookies, but she even took some for her employees, so it cannot be thaaaat bad.

After lunch break i worked the whole time in the cafe. I washed the dishes, was also in the customer service, bringing the food, cleaning the tables, then was tagging new goods for sale and so on. The cafe is really cozy and has many small cute thingies! If i would live in Hino, i would probably come to Clare every now and then.

Working there made me tired, but happy, because i always wanted to have my own cafe one day and this is good experience for me. I'm glad i can see work behind the curtains, even though not everything is nice to know. It was actually pretty busy, but afterwards when we didn't have that many people i had the chance to talk to the host a little bit. She is strange... She is not the most pleasant person in the world, but i cannot just close my lips shut and not talk to anyone. I've been talking to other wwoofers about the rating we're gonna give to her after we finish our wwoofing. Most of them are gonna give negative rating, but i still have some time ahead of me.

After dinner we went to hanabi to Tachikawa. HANABI (for more pictures scroll down)!!! Actually, we left Hino way too late, so we had maybe just 20 minutes of hanabi this time, but it was still nice no matter what. Adam of course stayed at home, but all of us went there... On our way back home, part of us got separated, so we were supposed to go back home immediately, but we took a brief walk in Tachikawa before going back home. I'm going to be near Osaka and Kyoto in August, so i'm already looking forward to the festivals week, because it should be awesome down there! I have a little bit more than one week at this host and then i'm leaving to another one...

In the evening my mood got even worse. I feel this bad energy crawling upon me and it's really difficult. I wanna put on some kinda shell and just ignore the rest of the world but at the same point i also want this stupid mood just to go away and be open to everything and everyone again. As always - i'm so dualistic. I'm thinking about next year in university, about my further path, about my relationship, about me exhibition and tons of other things. And i get tired. I hope i can rest at least physically completely on my days off and hopefully it's gonna get better.

In the evening my mood got even worse. I feel this bad energy crawling upon me and it's really difficult. I wanna put on some kinda shell and just ignore the rest of the world but at the same point i also want this stupid mood just to go away and be open to everything and everyone again. As always - i'm so dualistic. I'm thinking about next year in university, about my further path, about my relationship, about me exhibition and tons of other things. And i get tired. I hope i can rest at least physically completely on my days off and hopefully it's gonna get better.

Hanabi:

New phase?

Well i had a wild wild weekend... I slept 5 hours in total and that's not a lot for two days and have been working all weekend. You might think it sounds fun, i was partying all the time and didn't have time to sleep, but that's unfortunately not the case this time (very unfortunately).

It all went from the top to the very bottom... On friday evening i got a call from my special one, He was saying He's coming after my work, so around 18 o'clock and i was happy to hear that. But it all turned out to be slightly different.

First of all, i couldn't sleep the whole friday night. Normally i do not drink any coffee but i was so tired at work, i thought i'm gonna grab a cup of coffee and continue working and i did so. This was the cause of my insomnia on friday - until fucking 5 o'clock in the morning i couldn't sleep. I guess that was a bad thing to do, since i'm not drinking coffee for 6-7 years already and it had a huge impact on me. Sadly, not at the moment - i was still pretty tired at work, but when i went to bed i noticed something's different. Even though i fell asleep just at 5 o'clock, i got up at 8 o'clock, just after 3 hours of sleep.

I was working on Saturday from 11 o'clock, so i had to get up pretty early anyway, but what i also wanted to do was getting ready for the evening, when He's coming. I went to shop, prepared a nice Buttermilk-Raspberry-Jelly (since it has to stay in the fridge for a while), marinated chicken for supper and just then ran to work. At work i was counting minutes until i get off and go back home, i was planning on starting to prepare the supper, so we can sit down and eat together when He arrives. When i finished working i found His message and missed call and was surprised, because the first thought was "Omg, He's already here?!", but then i got my first hit... He told me He hasn't left yet. I don't want to write about His reasons too much and what happened on the phone, because it's also part of His life and i don't have the right to publish everything in details, but long story short: His friend's car broke down and he had to help... It hit me really badly, because first of all, He really doesn't have friends (that's also fact stated by himself and it is true actually...), second of all, there's no way i could understand why couldn't He help in the morning and be late a little bit, instead of waiting the whole day and leaving just in the evening and i definitely couldn't understand how can one postpone a meeting with one's love of life so easily. So that hit me really badly, i came back home crying and hurt.

He arrived at 3 o'clock in the night. I went out for a cup of tea with couple of my friends, since i didn't want to stay at home and cry all evening. But they had to leave early and i spent hours just walking through the city alone... When he arrived we tried to fall asleep, with no hugs, no loving words before that, we exchanged just a plain "Good night", since there was this huge tension lingering between us, i guess because of the fight that occurred on Thursday. I tried talking to Him, but it didn't work out, He got too irritated, dressed and went to another room. I had to work in the morning and i still was lacking sleep from the last night, so i managed to fall asleep somehow. I woke up after two hours, He was in the bedroom, watching through the window. I got up, went to the living room and there it was. I again told Him i wanna talk... And he gave me back my apartment's keys and said He's not gonna stay (even though He planned on staying until next Sunday). And then He left... He drove 700 km to me and then left so suddenly.

When i was reminding Him about the dreams we had, about growing old together, He calmly told me that i'm not gonna be with Him. But then He told, we have lots of time now to think about what's happenedon, since i'm leaving to Japan for couple of months. Well, maybe He does want to think it over, but i think that was about the furthest point where i could go. I guess i don't need to think it over... It is hard to break up with someone you still love, but sometimes you just have to make those decisions. There are things that could make us hook up together, however i don't think they're gonna happen, so i just have to get over it. It is hard but i promised myself to cry as less as possible - so far it's working rather well. It got me unprepared actually, coz even though i knew we're gonna have to talk things through, but i never would have thought we might break up just like that.

He left, but he brought my bike here, which i'm gonna treasure till the day it breaks down or i die. There are more things that are connected to Him and they have their own meaning now.

And everything reminds me of Him at the moment and that's a challenge. I'm not gonna throw His things out, so i just have to find a way to deal with that. He left couple of T-shirts behind, His perfume is still in the bathroom, the book i bought to Him as a "welcome back home" gift left untouched as i didn't have any time for that, and even if i did, there would be no use of pushing gifts under His nose when we're in distress. My drawer is full of clothes that have a deeper meaning for me, like that dress i wanted to put on and dance with Him barefooted, or that shorts in which my butt should look sexy, He would just want to rip it apart, that blouse which He should have liked and so on... Of all things, there's dutch language which i started learning and i don't wanna give up, but i guess i'm gonna always think about Him when i use it. It's not that i'm good at it yet, but i'm not gonna stop learning it just because we broke up. Basically all my life feels still connected to Him in a way and that's the first thing i'll have to change.

It happened so quickly i sometimes think it was just a bad dream, but then i look at those two empty coke bottles and my spare keys left on the table and i know he was here, since i neither drink coke, nor leave my keys like that. I still can see Him sitting at the chair next to mine and saying "I'm not gonna stay..." and that brings a whole pile of sadness, but i'm still managing to stay strong.

Yesterday when i came back home from work, He wrote me to Skype, saying things, saying He's sorry that things turned out like they did. We said our good byes and we wished good luck to each other, so i guess this is really it... It hurts immensely to realize He's not my man of life anymore, even though i'm sure He's gonna stay my love for the rest of my life, even when there's another person right next to me and i am gonna fall in love with that other one as well, but He is gonna live on in my heart for ever. I know... I wouldn't want to delete any single moment of our relationship, because it was a wonderful experience for me, i felt loved like never before and His kisses were the best and how He cared and how He hugged me was just incredible... But everything has its ending point and i guess our relationship had that ending point faster than expected.

There are couple of things that make my heart pound faster and tears gather in my eyes.

The last time we met was around 2 months back when i went to Netherlands. That week we had was one of the best experiences in our relationship! I grew together with Him even more, our connection got stronger, He also felt the same. When i left, i knew this is gonna last. I was so sure about us... And in those couple of months everything turned around so drastically it's hard to believe in it!!! Being sure about our relationship and then see it crashing like that sure does make me feel lost...

The other thing i should rather avoid right now is thinking about the future. When i live my day i can cope with the pain and the emptiness feeling i have, but if i start thinking about things that will never happen again in the future it's hard to keep standing on my two feet. When i think that i will never see His face in the morning, when i wake up, that i will never hug Him and get a good night kiss before we fall asleep... When i start thinking that i'm not gonna ever have that thrill, when He smells my neck with His eyes closed... Those things bounce me off. Anyway, that emptiness feeling is always there.

I think it's good that i'm working now all the time, then i'm leaving to Japan, after that i'm going to London and in couple of days i'm going to open my exhibition in Lithuania and when i go back home to Germany, my new semester at the university starts the next day, so i'm gonna be busy all the time and will have no time what so ever to think about what happened, to cry and just dream about Him.

My routine didn't change too much as well. My every day life was not based not us, but purely on me, since we live in different countries. So i wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, go to university and when i come back home i'm alone, there's not one besides my two lovable cats, to greet me at the door. Of course, we have things that have become a habit. For example, we do talk on skype all the time, call each other every once in a while and things like that, well mostly i'm behind all those doings, because i need way more attention than He does. But anyway, my point is that the way i am actually living won't change too much and that's also good. It's not gonna be so difficult for me to get over it... But i have to be honest, i didn't think i'm gonna lack those skype conversations so much! It's actually the first day and when i came back from home i new that there's not gonna be any messages on skype and i'm not gonna hear His voice and it made me feel unease. But i'm sure i'm gonna get used to it. This morning when i woke up, i again realized that i'm not gonna see Him ever again in this bed, next to me, but my brain managed to comfort me by throwing a thought to the front, that one day, there is gonna be another person, who's gonna kiss me and squeeze me in the morning and then we're gonna cuddle together for a while and whisper all kinda nice things to each other, before we get up. It's hard, especially when i thought that His kiss in the morning was the nicest, His smell was the only one that could turn me on, and Cookie, Bright Eyes and Wiggles were the names that suited me the best. I think i won't hear them ever again as well...

I guess i'm entering a new life phase right now. It's not gonna be easy, but it's gonna be just fine one day. I know, i just don't know when that day will come. Wish me luck, that's all i could be asking right now.

***There is one thing that still buzzes me tho. I'm afraid He's hiding something... And that would be really painful, since He was the person i believed in no matter what. But i guess i will never know...