Day 14.

Today i was allowed to bake cinnamon bread. I actually wanted to try cinnamon rolls, but because of my host-momma's english, i couldn't understand my task properly. She said: "You can bake some cinnamon bread.". So i did - i baked one loaf of bread. But then she said, that i could have also cut it before baking so it's like rolls. Well, too late, huh?? Anyway, it was amazingly delicious! And who said that cinnamon bread has to be just the white one? I made whole wheat cinnamon bread and it was really gooood. So, feel free to experiment, people, and don't believe all those recipes you have in the books.

I feel myself fading away sometimes during my tasks and just thinking about something. Today, among all those other things, a title for my exhibition came to my mind. I'm pretty happy about this fading-away result, because the title was a huge headache lately. I knew i have to decide, but i just couldn't come up with anything that doesn't sound cheesy or lame. I guess now the part comes in, where i'm supposed to tell you the name, right? Well, i have to highly disappoint you, but i'm not gonna tell you the name. Not now... Of course i will reveal it later and probably readers of my blog will get to know it faster than any other person, but for now i'm gonna keep it in for a while and just think about it. However, something tells me that this is gonna be the official title, even though i'm doubting right now. It was the first one which seemed like a proper title for me, but also first good one and it just sounds right. よかったね。。。

With the thought of a title i feel more and more nervous and stressed... Soon i'll have to decide on the last choice of pictures, order the prints, arrange so many many things! I have to order the postcards and business card, i have to finish (or maybe even redo) my future internet page and launch it in mid-September at latest, so my head just starts spinning when i think about that. By the way, if any of my readers is good in creating web-pages i would be glad to get some help with my page, cause it's so difficult. The last time i tried and i tried to do one thing, but in the end i just got frustrated and turned it off.

Anyway, all of you who have the opportunity to visit the opening of my exhibition which is on 8th of October in Lithuania, Sakiai, please do visit me! You are more than welcome. And bring your wallets in case you want a small souvenir - i will have some postcards. Yeah, i know, this is a cheesy advertisement, but young artists have to start somehow, right? For those, who want to see my exhibition, but cannot come to Lithuania, i'll maybe come up with some ideas, but i'm afraid it's not gonna be completely for free, unless you can offer me exhibition places for free, then i'll be happy to bring my works to your city either personally, or at least via post.

I cannot get one thought out of my head. It came to me in the Airport of Frankfurt just before the flight to Japan while reading an article about South Africa and ever since it's stuck in my head and it's not going out. Quite in opposite, it's clearly showing its present and trying to draw as much attention as possible - waving with flags, screaming, singing, clapping, sometimes walking heavily, so everything's shaking inside, pushing around my other thoughts. This thought's speciality is jumping to the front of everything out of the blue. For instance, i'm weeding, thinking about what should i cook for dinner and how, what kinda ingredients should i buy and then... hop! It's there. Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing around and asking for some intense attention. What can i do? I have to consider it over and over again... And the more i think about it, the more attractive the thought gets. I always wanted to travel, explore the world, new cultures, meet new people, but it's not so easy as it might seem. You cannot just go, because you always have some strings attached. And that's why i would like to do it as soon as possible, which is right after my bachelor. I would sell all the crap i have, store some important things at friends' and just go... Here and there. Scandinavia and Africa are a must, but also New Zealand and Japan would be nice. Holland and France are also on my list... I guess i wouldn't be able to go to any of Americas, but that would be a good starting point. Europe, then down the Africa... And i would see how can i pack Far East in my plan. I probably would take the whole year off, but i'm not even sure it would be enough. Right now the writing is totally messy and there's a reason for it, i'm still brainstorming about it, so for me it's difficult to write anything certain. However, the need to go is there and it's growing with every single day. Especially after experiences like i have here, the need for more gets bigger more rapidly.

Probably it would make my mom sad a little bit, but if it's something i really need to do, i have to do it. Because if i don't, i will blame me and everyone else, who was in my way, till the end of my days. Of that i'm sure. I'm not saying though, i'm really doing it, but i'm considering it... I will see how i feel when i'm back in Europe, this is a huge step, so i cannot decided on it just like that, but i have to rethink it million times. The timing between my present studies and next one is pretty good i think. I am gonna study photography afterwards which is one of my biggest dreams, so you might wanna ask, why run from my dream? The thing is, after my dream gets official i wanna start working with it and realizing my visions, i don't think i'll have so much time for just travelling without any worries, that's why it would be great timing. I would still be young and open for everything that gets in my way, i still can live in various various places, shower in petrol stations and sleep in the sleeping bag somewhere in the park and i won't have a job, won't have family or children. Of course, if i did that after photography, i would have some more photography skills and could use that while travelling, so that's the point where i have to rethink everything over and over again. Right now, i cannot say anything, but this brainstorming grew to be something stronger than just random thoughts. There is one more thing though... I'm almost sure i wouldn't wanna do it alone, mostly because of safety, which brings me to one difficult task - find another crazy person who i can live with for that year (those years) and who could travel with me wherever i decide. Yes, it sounds bossy, but that's the naked truth.

Another thought that crosses my mind while i'm drifting apart from what i'm doing is also pretty much complex. I try to understand what kinda relationship i have and if it's a relationship at all. And if it is, then where we are going with it, because for now i cannot see any bright future for us, even though i love Him so much. I feel Him backing off, drowning in some kinda thick substance. He doesn't wanna grab my hand, so i cannot help Him, because if i try, we end up in a fight, so i just gave up. After my last fight, i've almost decided to break up with Him but at the most important moment i started doubting. I would still doubt it now, because i have feelings for Him, one of the most beautiful loves it could exist, but it cannot be delivered for a while now and it feels unhappy, lonely and is starting to wither.

Every once in a while i have friends asking: "So how is it going with Him?". I never know what to answer... At the moment, it's not going anywhere. My little world, where i can enter while blocking the reality for a short time, is not in the best state right now. It's stormy, cold and everywhere's a mess. At least, my balance point still stands firm.

This week my pms is totally setting in. Today i went to the shop just to buy some shower gel, but i ended up in buying ice cream, chocolate, cookies and eclairs filled with cream and with chocolate icing. Terrible, huh?? I'm already getting chubby like crazy here in Japan because of food amounts, but at least i wasn't eating thaaat much sweets, so today is just a disaster for me. I'm coming back from Japan with couple of additional kilograms - i'm sure. But then again, it's nice to enjoy food without thinking too much, right? I met a girl here, who lost 35 kilograms lately and she was just enjoying food here as well, so i'm not gonna put myself on cross just because of eating basically everything i see. I want to do some sports actually, but every morning i wake up and cannot force myself to do it, because it's just sooo hot and every evening i'm not in the mood anymore, because we eat late here and then i'm out of my rhythm. I managed doing it once though, so it's a good start. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or the day after i'll be jogging around again?

In the shop i again had to admit, that it's pretty expensive in Japan most of the time. Well, Japan's shops are just like Lithuania's: you putting things in your basket, checking the price tags and thinking:"Oh this is cheap, oh this is ok, yeah it's fine, ooooh damn how cheap - gonna take it". Then you're standing at the register, starring at those freakish numbers in the screen and thinking: "What the fuck did i buy that it's so fucking expensive??? Fuck!". Lately i have this situation all the time. Today i really was taken by surprise, especially when i converted it to Euros and then to Litas - i just couldn't believe it.

Today, by the way, we got new wwoofer. A guy from Taiwan. He barely speaks english, so we have to communicate in japanese, which is a good thing for me, because i want to practice, but also a bad thing, because my level is still way too low to show my true self and just chat about everything. The hosts should be happy though... Even though he speaks pretty slow and still makes some mistakes, but he speaks rather well and has quite big vocabulary. So yesterday i asked how long has he been learning japanese. His answer shocked me and brought me to a point, where i have to decide what to think about it. He's either lying, or is a genius, or spent all his free and busy time for learning and did that really 24/7, or for a Taiwanese is really simple to learn japanese language, because he learned it once for a little while, then stopped and before coming to Japan he learned it just for one year!!! For one fucking year! I'm learning it already for almost two years and i still suck big time (even though i already get some praises, but it's just because i'm an european and japanese are still not used to europeans speaking japanese), so for the first time i'm a little bit jealous. I understand those people, who live in Japan and speak good or who have constant contact to natives, but this is just an insult! One year... Well, i will ask him how he did it - i'm interested.

My sunbathing plans ended in failure once again. The weekend was entirely cloudy except some evening sun which is not suited for sunbathing, yesterday i just simply fell asleep on my bed during my lunch break and today i got really short lunch break, so i again couldn't use the opportunity. Tomorrow i'll try again though. Maybe it will finally work! I need just 40-50 minutes and i'm gonna get a good sunburn which will end up in tanning finally. Yes, i know that sunburn isn't healthy, but that's the fastest way to turn brown without big efforts. I hate sunbathing to be honest, but i was told by a doctor to get a tan already 2 years ago, so i have to do it sooner or later and sooner is way better i think. So this summer i'm paying my duties. I dislike the whole idea of lying in the sun for hours just to change your natural skin colour, but well, lots of people do that, huh? However, i have to admit i got used to my brown front already, my face and especially arms are pretty tanned and for me it's kinda natural right now. It seems it has to be like that, so every time i see my back or just some other white parts (for example where bikini was, because ooh, don't you dare to take off your bikini in Japan!) i always think: "What are those white stripes doing on my body?". It kinda looks nice and i've heard that it visually hides about 2 kilograms, but then i panic completely, because if 2 kilograms are already hidden, then i'm in a big problem here. But then again, i got used to myself not just being tanned, but also being soft and juicy like that. It is kinda cute! So as long as i feel comfortable in this body, i should admire myself by all means.

I'm doing lots of weeding lately and you know what pops into my mind all the time? That my grandmother should and would be proud of me. Probably neither she, nor any other relative of mine, would be able to imagine me weeding, but well, here i am - weeding every single day. I have to say, i wouldn't like to study landscaping and be a gardener for the rest of my life, but it's doable. It's not as bad as it might look, although it is really tiresome. And here you just basically mowing the lawn so to say, because you have a piece of ground totally covered with all kinda plants/weeds and your task is to... well, pull everything out. Really, no kidding -

everything. So it's not that difficult. Besides, i found my favourite place in Clare's garden and i've been weeding just right next to it lately, so i'm happy. And every now and then, i can nibble on those grapes! They're not ripe yet, but i don't care about that too much, as long as it's edible. And most of them, even if not blue, but already are soft and sweet.

Another great thing about Clare's garden that i've discovered today. We have bell peppers!!!!! Oh my god, can you imagine??? Own bell peppers! That's like sooo cool! Today i needed some bell peppers for the dinner and when i heard that i can just pick some in the garden i totally freaked. I went to look for them without any knowing how they look like, but when i found them i was happy like a child. I will definitely have some of them in my own garden one day. I really do hope so!

There is one thing that bothers me since yesterday when i'm working outside. Well, i should have written about it yesterday, because it occurred for the first time yesterday, but i just simply forgot... So yesterday something unimaginable happened. For the first time in my life, i picked just observing something over taking pictures of it. Well, basically i didn't choose anything, i was just shocked and i couldn't move a finger, was just watching that thing. Probably if i wouldn't be so surprised i would have made a picture after all. I was just sitting outside, enjoying the sun, waiting for my host-momma to come back to Clare and then it was, this intense sound of a plane. It was way different from the one you get when a regular travel plane passes by somewhere in the sky. This was really near and really heavy, so i opened my eyes and i saw it - a military jet-plane, just passing by, totally low and that's why it was so surprising, so i just kept on starring at it. I've never seen anything like that from this close. Well, my hometown was under NATO jet fighters route in Lithuania's south east, so every day we could see/hear couple of them passing by, but never so close to the ground! It was interesting, but what happened afterwards and what continue to happen this whole day made me worried a little bit. Like 10 minutes after there was the same colour helicopter heading the same way. Then, another one just after a minute or so. Today, i saw maybe 5 or 6 helicopters going from or to that direction, so it worries me a little bit. My host-momma said :"Don't worry, Japan no war! Never war!" and of course she's right, it's not like Japan's gonna start a war just like that, but being in a foreign country and seeing this still makes me feel unease. Even for the host it was unusual. If there are some helicopters tomorrow (or even more), i'm gonna try checking the news, maybe something did happen around here.

Today's post is pretty long and random, i am sorry if any of you felt bored at any point... I always had the need to write and i still have it, i just lost my ability to write beautifully, but i believe that it'll come back one day, so i cannot let my finger tips rest for too long - they have to practice frequently. Also, having more time alone without any other wwoofers around lets me dip my time into thinking and listening to myself. I wish this place was somewhere in the mountains, so i could get some fresh air in the morning. I brought my yoga mood with me as well, but i don't have any place for it here...

Day 13.

TIRED!!!

Since i'm the only one here, i'm working a lot... Not because she gives me more tasks (well today she did actually), but mostly because i'm alone, so i just do my work. I don't chat and fool around with other wwoofers... Doing that, i finish faster, which means i get a new task. Today i walked the dog, baked breads, cleaned the wwoofers' house, worked in the kitchen a bit, picked apples and aubergines, did some gardening (weeding and watering)... I dared to eat some more grapes today, because i was weeding just right next to them. Oh, boy are they delicious!

Sometimes i am still surprised by the size of Clare's garden and by the variety of things growing there - from nicest rose till dill, from apples till aubergines. You can find there many sorts of herbs and i'm not even starting to talk about flowers. It's really beautiful. The garden needs way more weeding though, than it's done, but if you manage to ignore the mess, then you can enjoy it. It's nice to wake up in the morning and pick some blueberries for breakfast and afterwards make some fresh mint tea for brunch and maybe bake an apple pie and pick some basil leaves for salads in the evening. Anyway, it's lots of work. I know now... Today after doing all those things i was sooo happy that she let me go 15 minutes earlier! I took a long refreshing shower and just relaxed doing nothing but lying on the bed.

It might sound strange, but i'm preparing to sleep soon, even though it's just around 21.oo o'clock. I wanna be energetic tomorrow not like today. I was planning to go sunbathe a little bit on my lunch break, because the weather was sooo lovely (not like on my days off... Both days off were cloudy), but after lunch i came to check my facebook and laid down on the bed, so it all ended in me, sleeping through the whole break. Tomorrow i'm really going to sunbathe a little bit, because that white back is really funny.

I'm noticing my growing appetite, since i'm on my pms and that worries me a little bit. I will have to work on the first day of my period and that's not good, because normally i'm in sucha big pain, i barely can move a finger. But we'll see. I have some pain killers in my bag, so i'll be probably popping the pills like candies. That's not all that's bothering me... My feet still itch like hell!!! And it's not getting better. I don't have any medicine that could help relieve it, so it's really pain in the ass (feet and ass! Yeah!). But i'll survive! I hope...

After talking to my mom yesterday i feel the urge to make one thing clear. It's not so bad here as it might look like from my blogs. It's just that i'm telling more about bad things, than good ones. Well, yeah it is true, that there are not so many good sides, but in general it's not bad. I get food (or i cook by myself, but i get ingredients), i get bed and shower, they talk to me and i can have my own time after work. Of course, there are things (quite a few...) that are ruining the whole stay, but it's doable here. So don't worry about me too much. I'm still young, i care about it way less than you do.

Tomorrow by the way, one more wwoofer is coming - a guy from Taiwan, so i'm not gonna be alone. However, he is a guy, so he's gonna be working with our host-dad and not with me... Pity. Today one girl had to come (also from Taiwan), but she hasn't arrived yet, nor did she send any message, so she's either not coming at all, or arriving out of the blue. I have 5 more days here and then i'm off to Sasayama! I really wish it wouldn't be worse than this one, because that would be probably too much for me. I'm looking forward to it! And for those coming 5 days i'll keep on ignoring host-momma's moodiness and stupid remarks, keep on enjoying good weather and taking pictures of everything around me.

For those, who are in Japan, you are more than welcome to visit us in Hino at Clare Home & Garden to have a nibble on some home-made bread.

Day 12.

An absolutely quiet day with lots of cicadas outside. They're getting louder and louder every day... My second day off has ended and i'm already getting ready for tomorrow. There was no sun today again, so i couldn't turn into a normal person - i couldn't get some sun on my back side and still am half white/half brown. Today i mostly spent my time in my room, reading a recipe book that i found (and stealing recipes), watching some anime and television. Because of time difference, most of my friends are sleeping when i'm awake and i'm going to sleep, when they come to facebook or skype, so it's also a bit weird not being able to buzz someone just during the day (my day). Also, i miss one particular person and i even don't know if i get to see Him even when i'm back in Europe. Our relationship with my bf is totally unstable at the moment and it feels like he's backing off. Probably because of all those practical problems he has. It does feel unfair, since i'm ready to face His problems, but it seems He's drifting apart slowly, which hurts and leaves me in confusion. I don't know what's happening, i don't know if we're heading somewhere, i don't know if we are still we.

In the evening we went to eat to a nice restaurant and talked for quite a while. I heard some complaints from Kazuko again about the boys. How James borrowed some money and didn't pay back or how Robert took/stole the slippers... But i just listen to her, sometimes comment and that's it. I already got a task for tomorrow, which is cleaning wwoofers' house. That's so unfair! They made a big mess and left it and since i'm the only one here now, i'm gonna clean it. But probably that's way better than weeding in the sun (or rain). I get to work quietly and on my own pace, also i get to decide where to put what and i do like cleaning, so it's not a bad task after all. Besides, i promised Kathi to make some pictures of wwoof house, so i'll have the chance!

It's strange now when everyone's left. Adam was supposed to stay, but he decided to leave today as well. It's more about not wanting to be here with Kazuko (our host), than because of his swollen thumb, which wasn't that much swollen, i think, but the official reason is that he cannot work any longer because of his accident last week. Fair enough... It's his call anyway. Of course i miss all of them already, but maybe it's good that Adam left. Why? Personal reasons. It's better for me now to be alone, because it might have gotten tricky with just two of us here.

In the afternoon some warm sun rays kept on falling down, so i took my camera and made some pictures in Clare's garden, take a look:

Day 11.

So today two girls left already... Was strange to say good bye, even though we were working together just for a week. I might see them once more, because they're wwoofing on in Tokyo area, not too far from here, so i'm really hoping it works out well for us.

With one of the girls i was sharing the room, so it's kinda abnormal to come back to the room and see that other bed empty, so i'm happy we haven't wwoofed together for longer. Oh, sometimes i attach to people so quick.

Before they left, we all together went to a chinese restaurant, which WASN'T that nice, but still i enjoyed some time together. However, my belly was pretty much upset later on, because of that greasy, heavy chinese cooking. Our host was supposed to join us, but because of something she just rushed into the restaurant, took a look at the table (which had exactly 6 seats, so we were all sitting and there were no place more, but we were grabbing another chair!!!) and left. Her behavior does piss me off sometimes (not just me...), but i manage not to take it personally or seriously, because it's just not worth doing that! She's a person like that and no one can change it. It's up for us to just ignore it... After leaving this host, i of course gonna give the rating for it and probably it's gonna be rather negative because of her character. Even though it cannot be changed, but still it affects the quality of the host and the general atmosphere, so it counts as well. She should consider learning some communication skills. It wouldn't be bad.

This was my first day off and i was planning to lay down in the sun, since i still have my back side completely white and front side completely brown, so i wanted to fix this stupidity. But surprise, surprise, the weather's not good for sunbathing. It was cloudy and the sun was hiding all the time. It was hot though, so i was relieved in the evening to feel that nice breeze and fresh air, which you can actually breathe in. I hope i can get some sun on my next day off tomorrow, because afterwards i'm working again.

Having weather condition like that, i've decided to stay at home and take a nap. Afterwards we went to Tachikawa, to the cinema with guys. We watched Inception, which was oh boy, how amazing. Before the movie started we decided to have some fun like an average japanese

youngster - we went to arcade to play some games. We didn't wanna go for Pachinko or just simple slots, so we found a nice arcade called Sega (or Plus Sega, i don't remember well) just near Tachikawa station. I have to say, that it was actually fun, even though i couldn't grab my Rilakkuma plush toy in the grabbing machine. I tried so hard, but i just kept on failing... Stupid machines!!! I wish someone would grab that bear for me one day... Oh yeah, and i got my ass kicked by Adam at Tekken 6. I guess, he was just lucky, right?

Hanging out with three guys brought lots of memories actually. It reminded me of our "gang" back in the days, when i was still living in Lithuania. Me and three guys, who were making every day worthy going through. It is true, we split apart rather rapidly after i started living abroad, but i do miss them and it would be a lie if i said i missed them every once in a while - i really miss them all the time. I'm not sitting in the corner and crying, but they have their place in my heart/brain.

My heavy mood doesn't have many chances to take over me, but it sets in every time i stay alone and gets more and more aggressive when it does that. Even though it seems that not much is happening, i'm having tornados inside of me. I am having so many new experiences, that sometimes it's hard to cope with that and put everything in the right drawer, find the right box for all those different thoughts and feelings and emotions. As i already have mentioned before, i think that this summer is gonna be a blast! Which means however, that it's gonna be difficult to come back and continue my normal life...

Day 10.

Today was a busy day. And basically, it started in the middle of the night. I couldn't fall asleep properly because of the movie (we watched The Fourth Kind) and everything annoyed me: the leaves in the wind, the fan, the clocks ticking, even my own breathing. I put some music in the ears and i gradually fell asleep when at one point, my eyes opened wide and i felt something's wrong. I ran to the corridor, where i found Kazuko standing near the bathroom, so i asked whether everything's ok. She told me everything's fine and i felt relieved and probably a little bit embarrassed for running out of the room like that and asking suspicious questions. But then, when i was turning around to go back, i hear Adam's (another wwoofer) voice from the bathroom, even though he's not supposed to be in this house in the middle of the night, and then Kazuko asked: "Excuse me, could you help me putting bandages?". Adam fell from the bike and hurt his hands and chin, so we cleaned the wounds and put some bandages on it. He was really nervous, which continued through out the whole day. And i understood him, but when i realized he's just worrying about his looks, it kinda didn't look that serious anymore. I mean, shit happens, but a scar on a chin of a man didn't hurt anyone yet. But it is his body and i guess his business, not mine...

After that i again couldn't fall asleep properly, but this time not just because of the movie but also because of Adam. My head was just buzzing with different thoughts. This got on my mood later on. In the morning, even though i was pretty tired, i even went jogging despite all the heat and my still hurting skin (from sunburn). But i really had to clear my mind. I feel this weight on me and it's getting heavier and heavier every minute. No idea where this negative energy comes from and why, but i have to accept it and deal with it.

The work itself wasn't as bad as i expected. I thought our host is gonna be totally bitchy towards us, because of last evening, but it wasn't quite the case. She was actually pretty friendly. I worked a lot though... In comparison to other days, it really felt like a normal working day. In the morning i baked french non-sweet vegetables cake and i was again totally overjoyed!

Since my cookies didn't turn out the way i want yesterday, i was afraid, i'm not gonna get any cooking tasks ever again! But i was wrong, thanx god. In the morning, while gathering all the ingredients in the kitchen, i've noticed a plastic box with my cookies, that she took for the kitchen. And that really made my morning. Big time! I was so upset about those cookies, but she even took some for her employees, so it cannot be thaaaat bad.

After lunch break i worked the whole time in the cafe. I washed the dishes, was also in the customer service, bringing the food, cleaning the tables, then was tagging new goods for sale and so on. The cafe is really cozy and has many small cute thingies! If i would live in Hino, i would probably come to Clare every now and then.

Working there made me tired, but happy, because i always wanted to have my own cafe one day and this is good experience for me. I'm glad i can see work behind the curtains, even though not everything is nice to know. It was actually pretty busy, but afterwards when we didn't have that many people i had the chance to talk to the host a little bit. She is strange... She is not the most pleasant person in the world, but i cannot just close my lips shut and not talk to anyone. I've been talking to other wwoofers about the rating we're gonna give to her after we finish our wwoofing. Most of them are gonna give negative rating, but i still have some time ahead of me.

After dinner we went to hanabi to Tachikawa. HANABI (for more pictures scroll down)!!! Actually, we left Hino way too late, so we had maybe just 20 minutes of hanabi this time, but it was still nice no matter what. Adam of course stayed at home, but all of us went there... On our way back home, part of us got separated, so we were supposed to go back home immediately, but we took a brief walk in Tachikawa before going back home. I'm going to be near Osaka and Kyoto in August, so i'm already looking forward to the festivals week, because it should be awesome down there! I have a little bit more than one week at this host and then i'm leaving to another one...

In the evening my mood got even worse. I feel this bad energy crawling upon me and it's really difficult. I wanna put on some kinda shell and just ignore the rest of the world but at the same point i also want this stupid mood just to go away and be open to everything and everyone again. As always - i'm so dualistic. I'm thinking about next year in university, about my further path, about my relationship, about me exhibition and tons of other things. And i get tired. I hope i can rest at least physically completely on my days off and hopefully it's gonna get better.

In the evening my mood got even worse. I feel this bad energy crawling upon me and it's really difficult. I wanna put on some kinda shell and just ignore the rest of the world but at the same point i also want this stupid mood just to go away and be open to everything and everyone again. As always - i'm so dualistic. I'm thinking about next year in university, about my further path, about my relationship, about me exhibition and tons of other things. And i get tired. I hope i can rest at least physically completely on my days off and hopefully it's gonna get better.

Hanabi:

Day 9.

So yeah... here i am, sitting in the bathroom, writing my blog, spoiling my itching feet with some green tea. I got allergy from weeding and it's killing me. Since i don't have any medicine for allergies, that's basically the best what i can do. The water tap is pretty much killing me as well, because i have to sit here for at least another 15 minutes and that dripping water really annoys me! But i'm too lazy to go there and do something to make it stop... And then again, today was a pretty stressful day full of ups and downs, so i guess everything and everyone can annoy me at the moment.

Today we did some serious weeding and were working straight from the morning. We were baking bread as always and doing some other chores. One of the best tasks was picking blueberries! I kinda enjoyed it, even though we

couldn't eat them of course. But of course, oooh

of

course, we did a little bit. Even though it was stressful from the beginning it kinda slowed

down around afternoon.

We girls, helped with cooking a little bit and then washed the dishes, but afterwards we basically were just sitting here and there, drinking some chilled tea, we even got some sweets from the host which was quite a surprise. Then she offered us to bake something sweet and we went for cinnamon butter cookies, which turned out not quite like we expected (the first tray melted and became a cookie pizza rather than separate cookies), but it sure was delicious! That task really cheered me up, because i like baking sweets, even though i'm not good at it. But then again, we sucked at the task and couldn't finish it without being scolded. We couldn't find her and the micro-oven (oven looking like a microwave) wasn't working like we wanted or hoped, so we just tried something and unfortunately we took the wrong plate for it, so she was pissed at us for that. It was a little bit (a little bit??) unusual to see Kazuko (our host) in sucha good mood through out the whole day, so that kinda put everything back to its place. And still i was pretty much thrilled about today. And the evening was sure promising. Was. Promising...

However, our promising evening didn't go well.

We had boys cook today and i was totally enjoying it! Everyone was in a perfect mood before eating, we were chatting, laughing, started eating and noticed that there's not quite enough left for Tomoko when she comes over (she always does) and there's basically nothing for her spoiled child Mahiro, so we took bits from ourselves, so Tomoko has enough and the host-dad told us, that Mahiro doesn't eat curry rice, because it's too spicy, so we didn't leave anything for her except rice and salads, but well.. if she doesn't eat curry then what's the use of having another portion of it when it's not gonna be used??? So anyway, we also had two types of rice - the yellow ones and the white ones. We first used completely the white rice and then went with the yellow ones for the rest, but when we were done with distributing that one, we just left the yellow rice for other people who might come over later. We were already eating, still in totally good spirit and then she came... our host-mama, or should i say our host-(bitch)witch and made sucha drama out of the fact that we don't have white rice anymore. I mean, we didn't even know that there's sucha big difference between the rice. For god's sake, it's still rice! What does it matter if you're eating this or that? But anyway, she totally shouted at us and appeal to "family" subject, by saying: we are one big family, you have to think about everyone. But actually we did think about everyone, there was one portion left for Tomoko and since Mahiro doesn't eat curry according to our host-dad, we left just some more salads and rice for the small one. And you know, if you don't have enough rice, then just cook it, what's the big deal?

Anyway, she totally killed the mood. And it was sad, because some of the guys are leaving on sunday and monday and i wanna have as much as possible nice moments with them. After this spectacle we just went back to our rooms, but me and my roommate left the host house soon and went to the rest of us. But they went to party to the other city, so yeah...

Another disappointment was even later, when we came back and i found a plate with white rice, yellow rice and that portion of curry UNTOUCHED and even with foil on it and ready to be pushed into the fridge. So we actually gave food from our portions, so Tomoko could eat as well and in the end - no one even tasted it. Pretty unfair, huh?

I guess it's not gonna be an easy day tomorrow, because she's gonna take it out on us. But then again - somewhere deep inside of me, i hope i'm wrong for our own sake.

Day 8.

できた！

My first full wwoofing working day is over. I have to say: impressions are mixed and really controversial. I probably wouldn't like to come back to this place, but somehow it is nice at the end of the day. I didn't sleep too well though and it affects me, because i value good quality sleep a lot.

The working itself is a little bit stressful because of the host's character. She's always requesting something, but never explaining anything, so you do it the way you think would be good, but mostly it's bad. You cannot basically know how to do something, because you're not in your own house, so you just try. Also, the way she talks and says things, is really unpleasant. Don't know if it's because she's not english native speaker, or because she's just that kinda type. Throughout the day you always make something wrong and she points it out really badly, so you have this feeling that you cannot do anything proper. Or when something's not the way she wants, she has to find the one who's guilty! Like: "Who touched this?" or "Who did that?".

Leaving those features of hers, today was kinda ok. Except one task: we had to do gardening while it was raining!!! So it's pretty wicked... But in the morning we took the dog for a walk, then started baking bread, but there was no flour, so we just waited for a while, almost until

the break. We did some cleaning in the house, but wasn't too much. Then we prepared lunch, went back, did gardening in the rain, which was just dreadful like i've already mentioned, but then it started getting better... We went for shopping and prepared dinner for the rest of the evening. We made some salad and lithuanian potato pancakes, so it brought memories for me!

The dinner itself was also really nice. We had some nice conversations, but i would like to spend more time with other wwoofers actually. They live in different house, eat breakfast there as well and straight after dinner go back to their place, so it's difficult. They're leaving on sunday, so i have to catch them before and definitely get to know them better. It would be nice if we had some time for that.

I cannot say i hate this place, but it really isn't my dream place. It also might be influence by other wwoofers, because they tell me all that nasty stuff and when something like that happens i notice it better. But it is true, it has a long list of negative features. I like cooking though, so the second half of the day kinda fixed all things. I don't have much to write about today, even though many things happen. Probably i have to digest them a little bit more... Also, it was raining almost all the day, so i feel a little bit tuned. The whole day was so slow. I'm wishing for better weather for the coming days, so i can make lots of pictures and - really important - get tanned on weekend. My sunburn by the way is already better. The redness is fading out a little bit, but it still hurts pretty much.

This evening i didn't stay for long to play with Mahiro (one of the children) and chat with hosts, because we're going to watch a movie with Katharina (my roommate). It's a pretty freaky movie called Human Centipede and it's about some crazy german scientist who's doing experiments on people. You can watch the trailer here. Wish us fun!

Yours.

Day 7.

Today was a big day. (After already 6 big days...)

I again had pretty bad dreams. Probably because of my sunburn (which is actually getting worse and worse every day) i dreamt that my friends are burning to death, which wasn't that pleasant to remember in the morning. And my alarm went on exactly at that moment, when someone wanted to tell me how to stop the burning process and save my friends. I also went to sleep pretty late, because i was writing my blog (this keeps me from sleeping :<), but i have to say that i rested pretty good. Natsuko left in the morning for her job, but her parents brought me to the station and we said our goodbyes. I am visiting them again in September and i'm already waiting for that! Her mom asked me really much, to not just meet with Natsuko in Yokohama, but also visit her at home, which i'm gonna do without any doubts. (And not just because i left some things behind...)

That family is really amazing, they're sucha warm people! I really felt like at home and still cannot believe i had to leave. Natsuko's mother told me that maybe they are gonna visit Germany next year, which would be really exciting. I already mention that in my other post, that i come to find similarities between japanese and true lithuanian people, which surprises me. But then again, usually a true lithuanian is a really kind person, helps all the time when you're in trouble, shares his last piece of bread - that's what i've seen when i was growing up and i'm happy that i didn't grow up in Vilnius (our capital city), where everyone's sucha snob, or Kaunas (another big city), where everyone barely has values and drinks, smokes and fights (of course, not every single person, but you get my point). Nowadays, those kinda species are becoming extinct, but i'm happy that i can still find people like that.

I left Yokohama in the morning and moved to Hino, where i started my first wwoof'ing day. It is pretty interesting here. The place is really nice and spacious, they have nice garden and the house is filled with small thingies, which is sooo like me! There are many other wwoofers: 2 girls from Austria, 1 guy from U.S., 1 british guy and, surprise, surprise - 1 guy from Leipzig (!!), a city where i live in Germany. And he's even living in the same district like me! That's just unbelievable. So maybe we will be able to meet each other back in Leipzig when we go back. Anyhow, right now i'm trying to speak as much as possible japanese and i spent the whole evening playing with small children and talking every once in a while with the host family in japanese. German speakers tend to form one group and speak german all the time... even at the table, where also some english speakers are present, they tend to speak in their native tongue. I cannot say it's just bad, nor can i judge it, because i'm sure it's amazing to be able to speak in your own native tongue, but i'm here for practicing japanese, so i'm not gonna stick to them all the time.

I didn't work too much today, because i arrived just before the lunch break, so i had just one half of the working day. It seems it's gonna be pretty hard work, but when it comes to working hours it's really convenient for us, workers: we start at 10 oclock in the

morning, have our tea break at 12 oclock, our lunch break at 15 oclock and finish at 18 oclock in the evening. All breaks are

around 1 hour long, so it's not too bad... Today we prepared bread and did some weeding, which actually a little bit shocked me. Trimming here consists of basically cutting down all those beautiful trees and plants and it was sad to watch how much we cut. Then, we had to weed the flowers, but it was sucha mess there, that we could barely make the distinction between flowers and weeds, so, to be honest, we didn't overdo and took it rather easy. I liked baking bread more, although that chore has also some distinguishing marks. We do that outside, so you really don't wanna know about the hygiene there. Of course, we wash the dishes and utensils, but it is fucking outside! So with every gust of wind dust and everything else just comes floating in the air. Japan is really highly developed country in so many ways, but you still can see many things that are so primitive and so shocking! If you had a bakery like that in Germany or Lithuania, you would be closed in twenty seven seconds and get a fine on top of that. Also utensils and tools they use, those kinda things you might see just in the museum in Europe. I will make some pictures during my stay here, so you can take a closer look and understand what i mean. Japan is just a country of huge differences. I never quite realized, that in Japan a toilet needs electricity!!! And instruction how to use it... I mean, i've always seen it but it kinda didn't get to a realization point, because it's just sooo wicked! But yeah, that's Japan, huh?

The house of the hosts itself is also, well, interesting. I'm also gonna make lots of pictures so you can at least see it by yourself. They have lots of books, which i actually like, so i'm gonna ask them if i can read some of them. The household is not big: a married couple, the oldest son (still not married) and yesterday we also had daughter in law with two children of hers. There is also a dog! He is by the way really cute, but pretty fat even though he's just 2 years old. When i arrived i immediately got two surprises: first of all, out of the blue i heard german language and at the same second i felt wet dog's nose sniffing around my face.

Somehow i feel that this summer is gonna be the best in my 20 years of life! Which makes the whole year one of the best years, despite all that shit i had this year... I already have many good memories from the whole year, but this summer is gonna be the top! I guess i'm gonna meet many more people which makes me happy. My bread for my soul is communication and when i lack that, i start withering, but lately i've been shining brighter and brighter every day. The fact makes me happy again, and then i start shining even more so it's like chain reaction. People tend to forget about communication and managing healthy relationship because of all this hectic around us. It's a pity, that relationship suffers and not something else. But that's the way it is - being a human starts being a luxury.

Today i had a brief chat with my special one... We still have some issues in our relationship. For me the biggest issue is that our relationship doesn't feel like a relationship anymore and that hurts. It doesn't weigh on me as badly as it could get, because i'm enjoying Japan, being pretty busy, exposing myself to different things and, to be honest, trying to block all kinda negative vibes coming from all those issues, arguments, misunderstandings. But it is still somewhere there in my head and sometimes it gets out and makes my lips get tighter, so i cannot smile, it makes my heart beat slower and my mood go down. It is difficult, because we're confronted now with many different problems, which makes everything even more complicated. Sometimes my faith starts fading away, sometimes it's felt really strong, but mostly it feels just strange.

For me, i'm still in relationship and i behave myself as occupied. But if a right person would enter my life, what would i do..? That's the question that's bothering me lately.