Day 54.

We had an early finish today! Woohoo!! We had a reservation for lunch, but none for the evening, so my hosts decided to call it a day when it was just 5 pm.

It was good for me, even though i didn't do anything remarkable in my free time. I did however grab a bike and went for a short ride in the neighborhood. I'm also done with the final pick for the exhibition, so now it's just ordering left. It's less than a month until my grand opening and i'm really happy i've decided to do it! I've never studied photography, i just learned it by doing it and experiencing new things, so i often feel insecure about my pictures, because i lack theory in order to defend them if someone says it's crap. But i guess everyone will just smile at me, even if it's terrible.

I notice that the work starts annoying me sometimes. Especially in the mornings. Today we left at 10 am, which is about 2 hours earlier than normal, so i was already a little bit afraid of what's coming today. But it turned out not so bad at all... I started sleeping worse, way worse and it's definitely a result of this kinda work, but it's just 10 more days before i leave, so i can take it. The sleep is not as important at the moment as for example my weight... Today i couldn't believe how badly i fucked up!! I don't remember the last time it was as bad as now, so it really got on my mood for the whole day. I'm angry with myself. Big time. And i've already told my host-momma that i'm gonna cut on the portions a little bit, because i don't feel good now and she understood me - she's a woman after all. (And a gorgeous one by the way...) It's a pity it's so terribly hot in Japan, because i would like to do some jogging and sports outside - i brought my exercise outfit, but for me it's just suffering to be outside, not even talking about working out. But i'll find a way. I know i will lose that weight and get back to normal look, but it's gonna cost lots of time, nerves, patience and self-confidence, which i barely have. Anyway, it's not just about the fact it's not gonna be easy, but also bout the fact, that i fucked up so much! I mean, i gained 5 kg which is A LOT and i gained them in like 2 months, but to lose them takes way longer, it's not just about the weight as well, it's also bout the body shape, because it's not gonna be nice after i lose them... Well, to sum this up in a sentence: i'm angry, disappointed, disgusted and upset.

Day 45.

So today was my first real working day here and i have to be honest - i feel totally tired... We worked up until late night, we came when it was almost 1 oclock. With an early start like we have it's pretty difficult. At least for me, since i'm not used to this. First of all, i normally go early to bed which is already a problem, second of all, i'm wwoofing here which is a help and assistance to the hosts, so if they chose the life style like this, it's their choice i guess, but not mine and i really wouldn't like to spend over 12 hours in the cafe!

But maybe today's just an exception, so i cannot make anything much out of today. Maybe tomorrow's totally different. Oh, i really do hope so...

In the evening, i even fell asleep on the couch for an hour or so, but they woke up because of the customers. It wasn't even really customers - they were all good friends of the owners, so they were just hanging out, which made me a little bit sad and angry (maybe angry is a little too strong word though), because they could hang around with the friends on their own time, but i would really appreciate if i went back home, you know.

At some point i felt really dizzy, like drunk or high, or maybe both. I really just wanted to go back home and sleep, rest and forget about that day.

The thing that made me even more upset was that i didn't dare to tell them anything. I couldn't fight for myself and say: maybe i could go back home? I just stayed there on the couch and waited until the customers leave.

I think i'm also a little bit tired of this wwoofing thing, because it's always really great at first and then you start seeing things and then you start complaining and stop liking the place, so i guess the first thing that makes me disappointed is already a huge red flag for me and the emergency alarm inside of me goes on. I felt really drained in the evening and i understood that this kinda lifestyle would be equal to suicide if i did that for years on my own.