Day 56.NO PICS YET.

Today was a pretty easy going day... We had quite a few customers at lunch time, but no reservations in the evening, so we had a nice dinner and came back around 10 pm - quite early.

Since Nagomi wasn't busy we did some preparations. We made lots of veggie meat for burgers and, my favourite part, we made coconut and strawberry ice cream!

Today, filled with disappointment and uselessness i just HAD to get my jeans out of my suitcase and see if they still fit me. It was pretty hot, so long pants is not a good idea in Japan even if it's already september - it is still hot, but i just had to do it... And thanx god it still fits me. Well it looks not as good as it used to, but i still can put them on. Well, as much as i hate that weight i gained there's a good side of this - i get to lose it again which is lots of happiness every time i see i get slimmer!!! Always have to look at the good side, huh?

Day 54.

We had an early finish today! Woohoo!! We had a reservation for lunch, but none for the evening, so my hosts decided to call it a day when it was just 5 pm.

It was good for me, even though i didn't do anything remarkable in my free time. I did however grab a bike and went for a short ride in the neighborhood. I'm also done with the final pick for the exhibition, so now it's just ordering left. It's less than a month until my grand opening and i'm really happy i've decided to do it! I've never studied photography, i just learned it by doing it and experiencing new things, so i often feel insecure about my pictures, because i lack theory in order to defend them if someone says it's crap. But i guess everyone will just smile at me, even if it's terrible.

I notice that the work starts annoying me sometimes. Especially in the mornings. Today we left at 10 am, which is about 2 hours earlier than normal, so i was already a little bit afraid of what's coming today. But it turned out not so bad at all... I started sleeping worse, way worse and it's definitely a result of this kinda work, but it's just 10 more days before i leave, so i can take it. The sleep is not as important at the moment as for example my weight... Today i couldn't believe how badly i fucked up!! I don't remember the last time it was as bad as now, so it really got on my mood for the whole day. I'm angry with myself. Big time. And i've already told my host-momma that i'm gonna cut on the portions a little bit, because i don't feel good now and she understood me - she's a woman after all. (And a gorgeous one by the way...) It's a pity it's so terribly hot in Japan, because i would like to do some jogging and sports outside - i brought my exercise outfit, but for me it's just suffering to be outside, not even talking about working out. But i'll find a way. I know i will lose that weight and get back to normal look, but it's gonna cost lots of time, nerves, patience and self-confidence, which i barely have. Anyway, it's not just about the fact it's not gonna be easy, but also bout the fact, that i fucked up so much! I mean, i gained 5 kg which is A LOT and i gained them in like 2 months, but to lose them takes way longer, it's not just about the weight as well, it's also bout the body shape, because it's not gonna be nice after i lose them... Well, to sum this up in a sentence: i'm angry, disappointed, disgusted and upset.

Day 48.

Today is a black black day for me.

Black black day.

Even though i had quite a pleasant day, nice one hour at the beach and nice dinner, the evening was really bad and was something that ruined the whole day.

In the morning i was already a little bit stressed. I slept pretty bad, so i was easy annoyed, but i managed to overcome it and was happy about that achievement.

In the evening my head started aching again and it was pretty bad. It didn't just stay like that - it got worse and worse and worse... I started feeling dizzy, i thought i could throw up any second, i cut myself twice. And of course, i had to sit down and while doing that i started searching for an answer, because it's not the first time when i get head ache and that dizziness feeling in this place. I had to understand, why my body is protesting so much!

The answer i could come up with didn't please me... It is this place i guess. Well, not the place itself, but the working hours. I basically spend 12 hours in cafe. The work isn't hard and we have a break of one hour, also we rest every once in a while, since it's not much to do sometimes, but still - we are all the time there. I wake up, have couple of hours time before we take off and then i come back just late at night - 23oclock, sometimes 24oclock and even later. For me it's really too much...

To be honest, i don't dare asking them if it would be ok, to work somehow less, like 7 or 8 hours a day, but i guess i'll have to talk to them and if it's not possible i might have to leave. Which makes me sad... I really like this place! And the hosts are really friendly, so i would like to stay here, i would... But sometimes in life we have to be selfish and this situation is exactly like that - my health, my body conditions has to be on the first place and i cannot mess up with myself. My body clearly sent me the message and i have to do something... I need a little bit more time just for myself. Out of the cafe. Be outside the working place.