Day 66.

Thursday. 

It would have been my day off if i would have still wwoofed, but those days are over. At least for this summer or this year... It' is strange indeed to be here in Tokyo and realize that i'm not gonna go yet to another location, that i'm not gonna continue my wwoofing summer that this - is the final spot, those are the last days in Japan and they're in Tokyo.

Yesterday when i entered the house, i realized that i've forgotten to ask the door code, but instead of panicking i just let my fingers do their job and i got in! My inner me remembered the code from last year, can you imagine? It feels so at home... I never really liked Tokyo too much, because it's so different than what i would wanna be in, but it feels a lot more home, than for example Lithuania - strange feeling, huh? I wouldn't like to live in Tokyo for a long time, so it doesn't feel home as in a place i wanna be or a place my heart is craving, but it feels home out of habit, out of the practical fitting in, because i feel i do belong somewhere out there.

I always thought i've been born in a wrong time and wrong place. And i still think i'm right. Or maybe my past life character is too loud inside of me and doesn't let me live right now and here. 

It's raining today, so there's no sightseeing. I actually don't have too much to visit, because i did a lot last year - and realized just this year, when i was looking through sight seeing pamphlets and internet pages. It's strange, that you can see basically everything in a huge city like that! 

So this year i would love to discover nice shops and cafes, if that's possible at all. 

In the evening i couldn't stand sitting at home, so i went for a walk and i found one really nice thing that made me smile like a child - i found my mom's favorite tea - oh, how lucky could i be? - so i took couple of packs for her, because after going back to Europe i'm going to England and then visiting Lithuania for 3 days. 

Later on we went with my friend to Roppongi for a walk and i also met Jin - a painter -, so we chatted and took a walk... He did however ask to hold my hand, which made me feel awkward a little bit, but even more, it made me ask myself - am i really that likable?? Just yesterday we had this big fight with my special one, but guys keep on popping out totally out of blue, when i least expect it. Oh i wish i found a person i'm dreaming about. Maybe one day i will and when i do, i won't let go of him/her. 

Day 51.

Today was my day off. I wanna go there and do that, but after working like i do here, there's just one thing on your mind when you wake up on your day off - stay in bed and do nothing at all.

Anyhow, today we had a trip to some places, which at the beginning was just awesome, but then...

So first of all, we went to this... well, place, called Village. I even don't know how to call it properly. It used to be just a typical old japanese-style house, but it was renovated a little bit, so know you can live there or do things (it probably was about to break down completely... so

the renovation is just to make it look like a house again, but they didn't change anything about it!). It's like a small cafe, they have different kind

of herb, indian tea, coffee i think. They are also selling hand-made accessories, clothes, natural skin care products, honey, spices, tea - those kinda things. The house is at a small hill, surrounded by trees, bushes and basically - pure nature. It's really quiet there, if you can read/understand japanese - there's loads of interesting books, the smells are nice, so you just sit there, listen to the nature and relax, enjoy, turn off from the world a little bit.

I really enjoyed it! After a while, with a cup of nice tea

i had to take my note out and started sketching things. Handcrafting and selling it on etsy didn't quite work for us, but the idea hasn't died in my head - i really do wanna continue it. Maybe i could go through festivals or sell it for shops like that - i just have to have a decent amount of the goods.

Japan so far seems like the best location for things like that - my own business, trying to achieve something with organic/healthy living style, handcrafting, photography, basically peaceful life... For instance, you are allowed to sell/use goods made/grown by yourself, which is barely allowed in Europe. I even started thinking about importing my dad's honey into Japan... Might be good idea actually.

While travelling from A to B, i just enjoyed the view through the window, sticking my hand out and trying to catch the wind. Just like in a movie! Just like in a dream...

Sky was still gray and scary because of yesterday's typhoon, it was still raining most of the time, but i tried to ignore that. And i fell in love with Japan again and again and i don't know anymore how many times i'm gonna fall in love with this country in the future. I find here places, i like to stay at for way longer, than i'm staying, i meet people, i wanna keep as friends in the future, i like how things go here. I try to memorize every tree and bush and flower on my way, watching with my eyes wide open - i do not wanna forget anything!

I do not why, but i sometimes get the feeling that this or that village looks just like U.S. even though i've never been there... But i just get this strange feeling, and if i followed my intuition, it might be true. So right now i would like to travel through U.S. and see if i'm right!

After visiting the Village, we just kept on driving and that where the downhill for me started... We went to Shizuoka to visit hosts' friend, who i don't know.

So we went there, first of all i didn't like the guy's attitude, but not gonna post online why. It's enough to say that i reaaally was annoyed by the way he talks, moves and does the rest. Second of all, i didn't know the guy and since there was no connection what so ever, i didn't have anything to talk about to him, not to mention, that my japanese isn't good enough to just talk about anything - i'm pretty much limited to easy topics. Third of all, i was just dragged there without even asking if i want to and that really hit the core. The rest just mixed with each other and i was really sensible, couldn't manage with the noise 4 kids around me made, couldn't manage the guy, his bigger kid, who was in my eyes, really impolite, couldn't manage the smell around me, had to do something, so i just took a note, a book and went to the balcony, it didn't hold the noise too much, but at least i had my own space, where my energy could flow around me and get free a little bit, without being choked by others' energies.

This place is a huge personal struggle for myself. As much as i like my host-family, as much as i like the place where i work, it's difficult for me and i have ups and downs to often. I often feel i wanna leave and the good part is - i can leave whenever i want, but then again - i don't wanna just surrender and run. But the line between suffering and challenging is really thin here.

Today however, i managed to fight a little bit and told them i would like to leave soon... It was already evening, so i guess it wasn't too bad to ask them this kinda thing. My host-momma agreed!

So today wasn't a good day, even though it had PERFECT start... And so after my day off i feel tired.

Day 34.

I am totally failing when it comes to me blog. I was around 10 days behind and just made notes, so i had to spend an unbelievably lots of time at once to finish the posts and publish them. Stupid me. It is nice to write and let you know how i am, and yes, i am kinda addicted to internet, but i wouldn't say i missed it THAT much. There are things, that had to be taken care of, so internet is a must for me, besides, most of my friends live abroad, so i would be really lonely without internet sometimes. But being in Sasayama gives you lots to think about and lots to do, and so, internet isn't just the only thing you wanna have. I would be happy if i could have switched 1 hour of internet to a bottle of milk.

Nothing is perfect, but then again - it depends on how we perceive it. If we want to, we'll always be able to find minuses, because the nature itself isn't perfect, but we might wanna see the bright side all the time and enjoy our life at least a little bit, huh?

Today someone made a joke during the tea break which was understood wrong and we had some discussions, which all ended up in our host, coming down to our place and a 2 hours talking (of course) during OUR free time. That kinda gathering was kinda necessary, but to be honest, i wasn't happy spending 2 hours of my lunch break for that. I would rather sit down after dinner and talk about everything, than use lunch break for that, when everyone wants to cook, eat, sleep, relax, swim, but not talk about uneasy things.

Some people are really unhappy about couple of things here, some people understand some people wrong, some people go to personal, some might insult you - it happens here. It really does. But hell, we're 15 people with different ideas living under one roof! Although i have to admit, that some people handle it really wrong. I've seen here some heavy arguments (and been in couple of them already), i've seen unhappy faces, i've heard lots and lots of complaints and i've even seen tears - that is not the right way, i think. But it's also all about timing... If you click with the people around you or not - yes or no, 50/50, just your own luck.

After today's conversation i kinda wanted to pack my things and go. Why? Not because of the conversation itself, but because of the reason behind the conversation. Someone made a joke about it, so another "grown up" ran to the host immediately and told everything... I mean come on. But i couldn't and didn't leave. My host in Osaka disappeared, so when i was looking for another host, we had arrangements for a certain date and it was already too late to change it.

By the way, i still don't have a place to stay in Kyoto, but my hope's still here! Maybe i'm spoiled by good things too much, but i'm used to lithuanian way of handling those kinda things (wow... i rarely speak about my home country, huh?). You call one friend and ask him/her to call another, so that one could contact someone else and it's almost definite that you're gonna find someone who can accept you. In any city in Lithuania, but i haven't seen that too much in other countries. In Germany for example, i think this way would most possibly fail.

In the afternoon working period i had the urge to speak german. I guess i missed it, so when i approached the german wwoofer i just started speaking german and we ended up in speaking about stuff for the whole evening just when we're two of us and not too many people are around - it's not fair for those who don't understand german, which in our case is - the rest of us. Lots of people say, that german isn't popular anymore, you don't need it anymore at all, that the language itself is too difficult and not beautiful, too harsh, but i like it. Even though i have to take some credits and say that for a foreigner, i speak well german already, but for me - it's not even the halfway. My goal is really really far away, but maybe i'll reach it one day. I want to be really fluent in most of the topics and wanna forget about making mistakes, even once in a while. But i notice that just when i stop using the language it's harder with every day to start talking again, that's why it was nice to have someone around who i can talk german to.

Oh, today we finally had rain! And pretty heavy rain, so our plants should be happy about that. They’re gonna be pretty much spoiled, since the rain started exactly after we finished watering them, but the more water, the better. We do want those seedlings to grow into big strong plants and give us lots of fresh tasty vegetables! I feel a strong connection with our fields, vegetables, and it’s growing every day. Even though sometimes i feel like not doing something that has to be done also on our days off, but i know that it’s better to do it and not just for the plants, but also for myself - i know i always feel happy after watering them, taking care of them.

Work in a farm is a really difficult one, no doubt about it, but it also brings you joy. Also, even though it’s sometimes physically tough job, mentally you feel refreshed after you finished with your chores. That is indeed a good experience for me, since i would like to have a farm one day by myself, but i also understand that i cannot think about it lightly and have to be really, and i mean, really prepared before i make that step. For me it is difficult to have so many dreams and goals and wishes, but i realized one thing - that i don't have to do everything at once. I'll have to set priorities in my life and just take life as it comes, but never forget my goals and put them into my life one by one. I want my goals to get ripe before i do it. One funny fact, which i keep on remembering lately - at the moment i am living in a dream literally, because what i've been doing lately was and still is one of my dreams. Of course, practical life ruins it rather often, but if i put that fact aside, it's nice to admit that i am living my own dream... I just have to appreciate it more.

Tomorrow's my last working day, afterwards we have two days off and i'm leaving after our "weekend". Osaka, Kyoto and then my last host in Omaezaki. It's sad to leave, but i'm waiting for the beach of Omaezaki where i could go swim all the time! Should be interesting, since i've never been there... Actually, this whole trip is one big travel. Last year i basically spent my time in Tokyo, travelled to Yokohama and Kamakura, but not too much. But this time i'm travelling all over and that's really interesting! I get to see different Japan and, of course, i get the chance to fall in love with different Japan. Day by day i attach to this country more and more and day by day it's getting harder to realize i'll have to go back... One wicked thought - what if i got married and stayed one time?

Day 8.

できた！

My first full wwoofing working day is over. I have to say: impressions are mixed and really controversial. I probably wouldn't like to come back to this place, but somehow it is nice at the end of the day. I didn't sleep too well though and it affects me, because i value good quality sleep a lot.

The working itself is a little bit stressful because of the host's character. She's always requesting something, but never explaining anything, so you do it the way you think would be good, but mostly it's bad. You cannot basically know how to do something, because you're not in your own house, so you just try. Also, the way she talks and says things, is really unpleasant. Don't know if it's because she's not english native speaker, or because she's just that kinda type. Throughout the day you always make something wrong and she points it out really badly, so you have this feeling that you cannot do anything proper. Or when something's not the way she wants, she has to find the one who's guilty! Like: "Who touched this?" or "Who did that?".

Leaving those features of hers, today was kinda ok. Except one task: we had to do gardening while it was raining!!! So it's pretty wicked... But in the morning we took the dog for a walk, then started baking bread, but there was no flour, so we just waited for a while, almost until

the break. We did some cleaning in the house, but wasn't too much. Then we prepared lunch, went back, did gardening in the rain, which was just dreadful like i've already mentioned, but then it started getting better... We went for shopping and prepared dinner for the rest of the evening. We made some salad and lithuanian potato pancakes, so it brought memories for me!

The dinner itself was also really nice. We had some nice conversations, but i would like to spend more time with other wwoofers actually. They live in different house, eat breakfast there as well and straight after dinner go back to their place, so it's difficult. They're leaving on sunday, so i have to catch them before and definitely get to know them better. It would be nice if we had some time for that.

I cannot say i hate this place, but it really isn't my dream place. It also might be influence by other wwoofers, because they tell me all that nasty stuff and when something like that happens i notice it better. But it is true, it has a long list of negative features. I like cooking though, so the second half of the day kinda fixed all things. I don't have much to write about today, even though many things happen. Probably i have to digest them a little bit more... Also, it was raining almost all the day, so i feel a little bit tuned. The whole day was so slow. I'm wishing for better weather for the coming days, so i can make lots of pictures and - really important - get tanned on weekend. My sunburn by the way is already better. The redness is fading out a little bit, but it still hurts pretty much.

This evening i didn't stay for long to play with Mahiro (one of the children) and chat with hosts, because we're going to watch a movie with Katharina (my roommate). It's a pretty freaky movie called Human Centipede and it's about some crazy german scientist who's doing experiments on people. You can watch the trailer here. Wish us fun!

Yours.