Day 48.

Today is a black black day for me.

Black black day.

Even though i had quite a pleasant day, nice one hour at the beach and nice dinner, the evening was really bad and was something that ruined the whole day.

In the morning i was already a little bit stressed. I slept pretty bad, so i was easy annoyed, but i managed to overcome it and was happy about that achievement.

In the evening my head started aching again and it was pretty bad. It didn't just stay like that - it got worse and worse and worse... I started feeling dizzy, i thought i could throw up any second, i cut myself twice. And of course, i had to sit down and while doing that i started searching for an answer, because it's not the first time when i get head ache and that dizziness feeling in this place. I had to understand, why my body is protesting so much!

The answer i could come up with didn't please me... It is this place i guess. Well, not the place itself, but the working hours. I basically spend 12 hours in cafe. The work isn't hard and we have a break of one hour, also we rest every once in a while, since it's not much to do sometimes, but still - we are all the time there. I wake up, have couple of hours time before we take off and then i come back just late at night - 23oclock, sometimes 24oclock and even later. For me it's really too much...

To be honest, i don't dare asking them if it would be ok, to work somehow less, like 7 or 8 hours a day, but i guess i'll have to talk to them and if it's not possible i might have to leave. Which makes me sad... I really like this place! And the hosts are really friendly, so i would like to stay here, i would... But sometimes in life we have to be selfish and this situation is exactly like that - my health, my body conditions has to be on the first place and i cannot mess up with myself. My body clearly sent me the message and i have to do something... I need a little bit more time just for myself. Out of the cafe. Be outside the working place.

Day 16.

Sigh after sigh today. Sigh because of this and that, here and there, once, twice... trice. A short break. Another sigh again... Six more seconds. Sigh.

Sigh morning.

Sigh day.

Sigh evening. Sigh sigh sigh...

Don't know what's wrong, but something's definitely not quite right here at the moment. Also, my headache and stomach ache are killing me. Today, i got a splitter in my palm and a cicada flew right into my OPENED eye! Fcking bugs... Also, i got blisters all over my feet from new working shoes. Pretty harmful day for me. But in the evening i felt a small crack in my aquarium glass... But i shouldn't get my hopes all high too fast.

From the early morning i could see and hear helicopters going back and forth for the fourth day already and it's making me nervous. Yesterday i even saw that big ass cargo helicopter!!! I should check the news, maybe there's war coming and i don't know a thing about it. Would be pretty bold, huh? I'm imagining right know what it would be, to stay in Japan for the rest of my life. Well, i would definitely stay out of Tokyo (would be bombed pretty fast probably) and get Adam to come to me, so i'm not lonely. Hmmm... And i'm staying in Japan for the rest of my life! That would be sooo awesome! Couple of days ago, i really considered the thought of marrying a japanese guy, so i can stay as much as i want. I wish i could speak fluently japanese though... Right now i cover just the basics, so it is still difficult. Well, it's more than basics that i can understand, but talking by myself is really hard. But i already understood what i lack most, and i'm gonna work on it - it's my vocabulary.

I think i really need someone to chat with, because i started talking to myself already. On top of that - i even laugh at my own jokes, which is pretty sick. It's not that i'm not communicating - i am, but i miss normal proper chats without any grammar gaps and misunderstanding, chats where i can understand everything and say anything i want, more precisely - say exactly what i want and not just go around the topic, what i'm mostly doing with japanese. Still. So after all english talking people left, i lack some every day communication, some teases, some jokes. But i'm gonna be ok! Today on my lunch break, when i was lying on my bed, suffering from pain, i got the chance to talk to my special one. It wasn't a long talk, since i had to go back to work, but i enjoyed that hour we had. He opened up once again and i was happy about that. It is a complicated relationship we're in, but i'm still hanging in. I'd be lying if i said i'm now completely confident about us, because once i lost the faith, it's hard to regain it again so quickly. I cannot see any bright future for us at the moment and that isn't something nice, but it's the reality right now. I'm sometimes worried, because i barely see any future at all. I do, but it's so blurry, it's nearly impossible to grasp. Every once in a while, a thought crosses my mind, that it's not gonna last long. Maybe a couple of years... But if that's what i have with Him - couple of years - then i'm gonna make those couple of years worth living through.

Today a Hachioji Matsuri (festival) has started and it's gonna last till Sunday, so we're planning on going there tomorrow, since it's a city near Hino. Maybe 8 minutes by train... Just two stations, so why not? It's pretty much traditional, with lots to see, i hope, so i'm gonna take my camera and make myself ready! I hope it's not gonna rain and it's not gonna be too hot, so i can enjoy it. It's a pitty that neither of previous wwoofers can go. Because Robert is far away, Adam is in Tokyo, buy not responding, James is already in states and Kathi with Sarah are working both days till the late night, so they cannot make it. I guess i'll be going with that taiwanese, but i think i'd rather just go there for pictures, which means just me and my camera.

Today again we got a nice dessert for lunch from our host-momma, but one thing annoyed me so much! Just imagine: you, entering the room and asking: "So who's gonna cook today? You or us?", and then u're getting an answer like that: "I have no idea. I just have no idea.". So what can i do? I nod, leave the room, close the door and go on with my chores without actually getting any proper answer. That's something i don't like in people... Not being able to give proper answers. She came up with an easy solution in the end - eating out. Well, it wasn't a bad idea, since we went to eat sushi and i totally stuffed myself with it! Was divine. (I'm a big fan of raw fish...) But i have to say, that in that sushi restaurant i saw sushi sorts i've never seen in my life, some of them were quite disturbing like nigiri with pork (rice ball at the bottom and something on the top - that's nigiri) or grilled beef. That's just YACK. You immediately wanna puke after seeing that, but there were also quite a few which were strange but delicious, for example i tried grilled aubergine and cheese nigiri - was really nice, had to take the second plate even. I also saw corn gunkan, okonomiyaki nigiri and many many more strange things. Oooh, those japanese people... Never satisfied with what they have, always have to create, produce, re-produce, come up with an idea, that no one has ever had! Anyway, those food amounts are getting to my hips and belly and already covering my cheek bones, so i have to reduce it quickly or else, i'm doomed... Just one note to self: if you eat chocolate after lunch and cookies after dinner, you shouldn't be whining that you're getting chubby. Well, it's just too obvious!

My photo thing is moving forward and i'm happy about that... I already found one person, who will be able to help me with the web page, so this is gonna move forward rapidly starting next week, i found a place where i can order my business cards cheap and also found where i can develop postcards, so this is also moving. I still have to decide on some other spots for the exhibition, since i don't wanna keep my exhibition just in one place. This is gonna be my first big step into photography as a profession, because my exhibition isn't just about showing myself and my artwork to the world, but there's gonna be also some postcards for sale and with the first sale my photography turns into a commercial one... It gives me the creeps even to think about it, so i guess it's better for me not to have anything in my hands on the opening day, cause everything's gonna be falling down. For now, i have to calm down and make a "to-do" list so i don't forget anything before coming back to Europe... Wish me luck!

Day 13.

TIRED!!!

Since i'm the only one here, i'm working a lot... Not because she gives me more tasks (well today she did actually), but mostly because i'm alone, so i just do my work. I don't chat and fool around with other wwoofers... Doing that, i finish faster, which means i get a new task. Today i walked the dog, baked breads, cleaned the wwoofers' house, worked in the kitchen a bit, picked apples and aubergines, did some gardening (weeding and watering)... I dared to eat some more grapes today, because i was weeding just right next to them. Oh, boy are they delicious!

Sometimes i am still surprised by the size of Clare's garden and by the variety of things growing there - from nicest rose till dill, from apples till aubergines. You can find there many sorts of herbs and i'm not even starting to talk about flowers. It's really beautiful. The garden needs way more weeding though, than it's done, but if you manage to ignore the mess, then you can enjoy it. It's nice to wake up in the morning and pick some blueberries for breakfast and afterwards make some fresh mint tea for brunch and maybe bake an apple pie and pick some basil leaves for salads in the evening. Anyway, it's lots of work. I know now... Today after doing all those things i was sooo happy that she let me go 15 minutes earlier! I took a long refreshing shower and just relaxed doing nothing but lying on the bed.

It might sound strange, but i'm preparing to sleep soon, even though it's just around 21.oo o'clock. I wanna be energetic tomorrow not like today. I was planning to go sunbathe a little bit on my lunch break, because the weather was sooo lovely (not like on my days off... Both days off were cloudy), but after lunch i came to check my facebook and laid down on the bed, so it all ended in me, sleeping through the whole break. Tomorrow i'm really going to sunbathe a little bit, because that white back is really funny.

I'm noticing my growing appetite, since i'm on my pms and that worries me a little bit. I will have to work on the first day of my period and that's not good, because normally i'm in sucha big pain, i barely can move a finger. But we'll see. I have some pain killers in my bag, so i'll be probably popping the pills like candies. That's not all that's bothering me... My feet still itch like hell!!! And it's not getting better. I don't have any medicine that could help relieve it, so it's really pain in the ass (feet and ass! Yeah!). But i'll survive! I hope...

After talking to my mom yesterday i feel the urge to make one thing clear. It's not so bad here as it might look like from my blogs. It's just that i'm telling more about bad things, than good ones. Well, yeah it is true, that there are not so many good sides, but in general it's not bad. I get food (or i cook by myself, but i get ingredients), i get bed and shower, they talk to me and i can have my own time after work. Of course, there are things (quite a few...) that are ruining the whole stay, but it's doable here. So don't worry about me too much. I'm still young, i care about it way less than you do.

Tomorrow by the way, one more wwoofer is coming - a guy from Taiwan, so i'm not gonna be alone. However, he is a guy, so he's gonna be working with our host-dad and not with me... Pity. Today one girl had to come (also from Taiwan), but she hasn't arrived yet, nor did she send any message, so she's either not coming at all, or arriving out of the blue. I have 5 more days here and then i'm off to Sasayama! I really wish it wouldn't be worse than this one, because that would be probably too much for me. I'm looking forward to it! And for those coming 5 days i'll keep on ignoring host-momma's moodiness and stupid remarks, keep on enjoying good weather and taking pictures of everything around me.

For those, who are in Japan, you are more than welcome to visit us in Hino at Clare Home & Garden to have a nibble on some home-made bread.

Dreadful day.

I even don't know where to start...

The very morning started with a huge fail. After waking up, i did laundry, dressed in my jogging outfit, took my iPod and... FELL ASLEEP. I woke up then at 11 am in my sport clothes. I was pissed at myself immediately and didn't wanna do anything anymore.

Apparently this morning i forgot my birth control pill, which means that no fun without rubber next week. I had to forget exactly now, when it's just 3 fucking days left!!! So in those couple of days that i can enjoy until my red days start i'm gonna be forced to think bout the rubber all the time... Exactly now when my bf is coming after two months of not seeing each other, and afterwards i'm leaving to Japan which means we're not gonna see each other for another 3-4 months. Well done, Milly...

What i also today forgot is to eat properly... So i spend most of the time being hungry. And thanx to this terrible experience, i promised myself to never skip meals again! Yes, i did gain a kilo or two in the last week, coz i was stuffing myself with all that nutritious food, so my brain can work properly for the exam, but i don't have to torture myself now and starve to death... But yeah, of course i'm happy to mention that i gained that unwanted weight in summer. Splendid, huh?

The evening didn't bring enlightenment even though i cleaned my flat nicely and could relax, instead it brought me a giant headache, which is still present. It's like my head's gonna explode any second now.

Another thing came to its climax today. My cat, who is wandering all around the roof (i'm living on the last floor), pooped in the water pipe under my neighbor's kitchen's window and they just totally hate me now. They already did, so Shaya (my cat) just gave them an excuse this time. Now i'm kinda being forced to put nets all over my windows and balcony, so the cat cannot escape. How stupid is that??? I'm thinking about moving actually, but everything's buzzing in my head so intensely i cannot think at all.

I started making my internet page which was supposed to be a good thing, but it's so fucking difficult, that it's no fun at all. I spent hours on it and still didn't get what i wanted... Tiresome.

Even though i'm watering my balcony plants regularly they're totally withering... Today one of them died completely. Hip hip, hooray!

Just before i wanted to go to sleep, i kinda grabbed my bf's attention, coz i wanted to chat with him so badly! Even thought he is supposed to come here in couple of days, i just wanted to say hi to him... Everything ended in a huge huge fight.

And so here i am, crying and writing my blog without any dignity left in me after today, restless, with aching head, still hungry, pissed at myself that i forgot my pill and i still have to write all those emails to arrange my working and staying in Japan!!!!! It's just impossible today... I had to do it yesterday, but today's passed and i'm still not done with it. I'm spending my time now for this blog, which no one reads.

Tomorrow i'm working. Maybe it'll help to take my mind off certain things. Like my bf, our relationship (really difficult relationship at the moment...) and my cats...

Good night, world. Hope you had a lovely day, coz mine just sucked!