Day 16.

Sigh after sigh today. Sigh because of this and that, here and there, once, twice... trice. A short break. Another sigh again... Six more seconds. Sigh.

Sigh morning.

Sigh day.

Sigh evening. Sigh sigh sigh...

Don't know what's wrong, but something's definitely not quite right here at the moment. Also, my headache and stomach ache are killing me. Today, i got a splitter in my palm and a cicada flew right into my OPENED eye! Fcking bugs... Also, i got blisters all over my feet from new working shoes. Pretty harmful day for me. But in the evening i felt a small crack in my aquarium glass... But i shouldn't get my hopes all high too fast.

From the early morning i could see and hear helicopters going back and forth for the fourth day already and it's making me nervous. Yesterday i even saw that big ass cargo helicopter!!! I should check the news, maybe there's war coming and i don't know a thing about it. Would be pretty bold, huh? I'm imagining right know what it would be, to stay in Japan for the rest of my life. Well, i would definitely stay out of Tokyo (would be bombed pretty fast probably) and get Adam to come to me, so i'm not lonely. Hmmm... And i'm staying in Japan for the rest of my life! That would be sooo awesome! Couple of days ago, i really considered the thought of marrying a japanese guy, so i can stay as much as i want. I wish i could speak fluently japanese though... Right now i cover just the basics, so it is still difficult. Well, it's more than basics that i can understand, but talking by myself is really hard. But i already understood what i lack most, and i'm gonna work on it - it's my vocabulary.

I think i really need someone to chat with, because i started talking to myself already. On top of that - i even laugh at my own jokes, which is pretty sick. It's not that i'm not communicating - i am, but i miss normal proper chats without any grammar gaps and misunderstanding, chats where i can understand everything and say anything i want, more precisely - say exactly what i want and not just go around the topic, what i'm mostly doing with japanese. Still. So after all english talking people left, i lack some every day communication, some teases, some jokes. But i'm gonna be ok! Today on my lunch break, when i was lying on my bed, suffering from pain, i got the chance to talk to my special one. It wasn't a long talk, since i had to go back to work, but i enjoyed that hour we had. He opened up once again and i was happy about that. It is a complicated relationship we're in, but i'm still hanging in. I'd be lying if i said i'm now completely confident about us, because once i lost the faith, it's hard to regain it again so quickly. I cannot see any bright future for us at the moment and that isn't something nice, but it's the reality right now. I'm sometimes worried, because i barely see any future at all. I do, but it's so blurry, it's nearly impossible to grasp. Every once in a while, a thought crosses my mind, that it's not gonna last long. Maybe a couple of years... But if that's what i have with Him - couple of years - then i'm gonna make those couple of years worth living through.

Today a Hachioji Matsuri (festival) has started and it's gonna last till Sunday, so we're planning on going there tomorrow, since it's a city near Hino. Maybe 8 minutes by train... Just two stations, so why not? It's pretty much traditional, with lots to see, i hope, so i'm gonna take my camera and make myself ready! I hope it's not gonna rain and it's not gonna be too hot, so i can enjoy it. It's a pitty that neither of previous wwoofers can go. Because Robert is far away, Adam is in Tokyo, buy not responding, James is already in states and Kathi with Sarah are working both days till the late night, so they cannot make it. I guess i'll be going with that taiwanese, but i think i'd rather just go there for pictures, which means just me and my camera.

Today again we got a nice dessert for lunch from our host-momma, but one thing annoyed me so much! Just imagine: you, entering the room and asking: "So who's gonna cook today? You or us?", and then u're getting an answer like that: "I have no idea. I just have no idea.". So what can i do? I nod, leave the room, close the door and go on with my chores without actually getting any proper answer. That's something i don't like in people... Not being able to give proper answers. She came up with an easy solution in the end - eating out. Well, it wasn't a bad idea, since we went to eat sushi and i totally stuffed myself with it! Was divine. (I'm a big fan of raw fish...) But i have to say, that in that sushi restaurant i saw sushi sorts i've never seen in my life, some of them were quite disturbing like nigiri with pork (rice ball at the bottom and something on the top - that's nigiri) or grilled beef. That's just YACK. You immediately wanna puke after seeing that, but there were also quite a few which were strange but delicious, for example i tried grilled aubergine and cheese nigiri - was really nice, had to take the second plate even. I also saw corn gunkan, okonomiyaki nigiri and many many more strange things. Oooh, those japanese people... Never satisfied with what they have, always have to create, produce, re-produce, come up with an idea, that no one has ever had! Anyway, those food amounts are getting to my hips and belly and already covering my cheek bones, so i have to reduce it quickly or else, i'm doomed... Just one note to self: if you eat chocolate after lunch and cookies after dinner, you shouldn't be whining that you're getting chubby. Well, it's just too obvious!

My photo thing is moving forward and i'm happy about that... I already found one person, who will be able to help me with the web page, so this is gonna move forward rapidly starting next week, i found a place where i can order my business cards cheap and also found where i can develop postcards, so this is also moving. I still have to decide on some other spots for the exhibition, since i don't wanna keep my exhibition just in one place. This is gonna be my first big step into photography as a profession, because my exhibition isn't just about showing myself and my artwork to the world, but there's gonna be also some postcards for sale and with the first sale my photography turns into a commercial one... It gives me the creeps even to think about it, so i guess it's better for me not to have anything in my hands on the opening day, cause everything's gonna be falling down. For now, i have to calm down and make a "to-do" list so i don't forget anything before coming back to Europe... Wish me luck!