World Cup.

Well, i cannot say i'm a huge fan of World Cup, but when Netherlands go through to the final, i just have to be there and cheer for them! I'm working from 12 o'clock until 20 o'clock, so i'm sending out my cheers already now!

Go Oranje Go!!!!

While miso soup and rice r getting ready.

Don't expect anything much from this post, since it's just one of those post, where i wanna simply say i'm still alive, but there's not much meaning in it.

Leipzig continues to suffer from the heat... we're having around +37 degrees Celsius ( around 99 degrees Fahrenheit) every day so it's barely possible to stand it - even with short skirt and a plain tank top you're sweating like a pig, so i always have to sit at the fan. My cats are all the time just sleeping somewhere on the floor in the shadow (mostly in the kitchen where they can cool down their bodies on the tiles) and i would like to take a cold bath until this summer is over. And one thing i can tell you for sure: having your period in summer with this terrible heat isn't too nice. But probably i should save the details for myself...

The situation with me and my special one is still complicated, but right now i don't feel like updating you in that topic, maybe it's too hot, maybe i'm just not in the mood or maybe i'm still too much confused by myself and there's difficult to write about it, so i guess you'll have to wait.

Anyway, i have some more news that are not connected to our relationship, so i can take a break from that and be happy about other things. For instance, i already have two confirmations from WWOOF hosts in Japan - one in Hinoshi near Tokyo (for map click HERE) in a bakery and sweets factory, another one in Omaezaki near Shizuoka (for map click HERE), i also got confirmation from one couch surfer and he said i can stay all those days that i was planning at his place in Osaka (for map click HERE), because i want to travel a little bit in Kansai, which is visit Osaka, Kyoto, Nara and maybe Mie, i will try looking for another couch though in Kyoto just for two days, because it would be more convenient for me and also i don't want to cause too many problems by staying the whole week at one place. I still have to find the last place to wwoof in Kansai and then i'm ready to go. I already have found a guy who can take care of my cats for all those months, so i'm really excited already. In 11 days i'm gonna be walking in Japan again and that's just freaking me out!!! First of all, i'm gonna stay in Yokohama and Tokyo (i don't think i need a map for that...), so everyone feel free to meet me, if you by any chance are there also. I still have to do lots of things before i leave and that worries me a little bit, but i know i'll make it. I'm working until 15th of July and then i have 5 days for preparations...

Well, it's time for me to go to work AGAIN. I went this morning and was surprised to realize that the plan has been changed and i'm starting my shift just in 3 hours, so i didn't have anything else to do but go back home for another while.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Your Dandelion.

Moumoon - Get Real

Busy.

It's already Thursday, even though it seems as if the week had just started. I'm working every day now, so i barely have time for anything else and because of problems in our relationship i always feel tired and apathetic, but i'm trying to pull myself together as much as possible. It feels like i don't have a grip on anything anymore: time's just running out like crazy, i don't wanna do anything, so my apartment's a mess, i barely eat, so i stuff myself with anything randomly at work (which is various, mostly sweet buns and that's not the best food...) i still haven't paid the bills for this month and i basically feel shattered into thousand small pieces right now.

Today i would really like to stay at home, go back to bed and just do nothing the whole day, because everything started weighing on me too much and slowly it's getting really difficult. I even barely can write - i write and delete, rewrite and delete it again and do that 5 more times until i get a decent result. That's what i have been doing with this post for the last hour... But i have to go to work and i have to finally pay the bills, i also have to do some e-mailing for Japan, buy the train ticket to the airport and many many other things. I am pretty bad with this modern capitalistic system, i always get stressed because of simple things.

Yesterday i went to a lake, to ease up on the tension a little bit. It was pretty chilly, since it was around 22 o'clock, but i still managed to enjoy the water a little bit. I was the only one swimming, because first of all, it was chilly, second of all, it was late and third of all, my friend who came with me, didn't wanna swim, so i had the whole lake for me. Ever since i almost drowned when i was a teenager, i'm a little bit afraid of water and that makes my enjoyment less, but i try to overcome my fear and even if i cannot swim for long, i stay in water and do a little splish-splash and that makes me happy. Today i'm working until 23 o'clock, so there's no way i'm going to the lake again, but i could try going there tomorrow morning.

But even then thoughts about our relationship found their way to me. First, there were memories and then i started thinking again. I am in a complicated situation and i don't know whether i should listen to my heart or my brain. When i make a decision there's not much time until i start doubting and it's tiresome. And to make it even more complicated yesterday He got in touch with me and at that point everything i have decided before kinda faded away. We talked, we actually talked long and i asked Him couple questions... I also asked Him very obvious one "Do you wanna continue with this relationship?", He gave me a firm YES, without doubting, without considering, His voice wasn't shaking.

So i'm back from where i started on Sunday, maybe that's also one of the reasons, why for me this week seems just about to start. I would lie though, if i told that i'm thinking about Him 24/7, i would lie if i told i'm crying every day or not having fun at all, because i do laugh, i do meet friends and i feel ok. Not great, but also not terrible. I just feel apathetic, but when i have a moment of happiness, i laugh with my brightest smile.

There was one thing that was worrying me and i still haven't found an answer to that. Even though it hurt me very much what happened on this weekend, but i was surprisingly calm which gave me just two possibilities: either i know it's not over, or i understood finally He's not the right one for me. And maybe yesterday's doubts about breaking-up with Him for good puts me closer to the answer. If i'm doubting so much about breaking-up, why should i do it? Our relationship is now in a very dark phase, but maybe everything that happened is supposed to be a lesson for me, but not a reason for a break-up. But of course it had its impact on me and right now i'm gonna be more cautious. If it is not gonna go well, it's gonna be easier for me to decide in the future.

Anyway, talking about decisions, today my friend told me something really obvious, which i haven't thought about. She asked me why do i wanna decide it so fast? She told me, no one said i have to make my decision immediately and i think she's kinda right. I'm going to Japan where i'm gonna have lots of time for me and because of the time difference less time to communicate with Him and during that time i can observe myself, i can rethink everything and see if i need Him in my life or is it maybe better to continue without Him. In any case, He has a huge advantage - i'm insanely in love with Him, i care about Him and i think "us" gave me lots of experience. I had amazing moments with Him and i know one thing - i wanna have those beautiful moments with Him in the future...

Sometimes He is harsh on me and i give Him credits for that, because from His point of view, i'm way behind - He's 17 years older than me and i do lack lots of experience. And maybe this should be happening in years during the whole relationship, but we have all kinda problems at once. It might make me grow faster than i would have been able to grow on my own, but it sure is painful.

I misunderstood Him on Sunday and i grieved for something that actually didn't happen... That was a terrible experience. That's why this decision of mine is so important for me, i'm either gonna try one more time or i'm gonna break-up for good and i'm gonna stick with my decision. I'm not gonna allow myself to rush and make some stupid decisions, i do wanna love Him... I just want to find the balance in our relationship again and enjoy it. That's what i want.

New phase?

Well i had a wild wild weekend... I slept 5 hours in total and that's not a lot for two days and have been working all weekend. You might think it sounds fun, i was partying all the time and didn't have time to sleep, but that's unfortunately not the case this time (very unfortunately).

It all went from the top to the very bottom... On friday evening i got a call from my special one, He was saying He's coming after my work, so around 18 o'clock and i was happy to hear that. But it all turned out to be slightly different.

First of all, i couldn't sleep the whole friday night. Normally i do not drink any coffee but i was so tired at work, i thought i'm gonna grab a cup of coffee and continue working and i did so. This was the cause of my insomnia on friday - until fucking 5 o'clock in the morning i couldn't sleep. I guess that was a bad thing to do, since i'm not drinking coffee for 6-7 years already and it had a huge impact on me. Sadly, not at the moment - i was still pretty tired at work, but when i went to bed i noticed something's different. Even though i fell asleep just at 5 o'clock, i got up at 8 o'clock, just after 3 hours of sleep.

I was working on Saturday from 11 o'clock, so i had to get up pretty early anyway, but what i also wanted to do was getting ready for the evening, when He's coming. I went to shop, prepared a nice Buttermilk-Raspberry-Jelly (since it has to stay in the fridge for a while), marinated chicken for supper and just then ran to work. At work i was counting minutes until i get off and go back home, i was planning on starting to prepare the supper, so we can sit down and eat together when He arrives. When i finished working i found His message and missed call and was surprised, because the first thought was "Omg, He's already here?!", but then i got my first hit... He told me He hasn't left yet. I don't want to write about His reasons too much and what happened on the phone, because it's also part of His life and i don't have the right to publish everything in details, but long story short: His friend's car broke down and he had to help... It hit me really badly, because first of all, He really doesn't have friends (that's also fact stated by himself and it is true actually...), second of all, there's no way i could understand why couldn't He help in the morning and be late a little bit, instead of waiting the whole day and leaving just in the evening and i definitely couldn't understand how can one postpone a meeting with one's love of life so easily. So that hit me really badly, i came back home crying and hurt.

He arrived at 3 o'clock in the night. I went out for a cup of tea with couple of my friends, since i didn't want to stay at home and cry all evening. But they had to leave early and i spent hours just walking through the city alone... When he arrived we tried to fall asleep, with no hugs, no loving words before that, we exchanged just a plain "Good night", since there was this huge tension lingering between us, i guess because of the fight that occurred on Thursday. I tried talking to Him, but it didn't work out, He got too irritated, dressed and went to another room. I had to work in the morning and i still was lacking sleep from the last night, so i managed to fall asleep somehow. I woke up after two hours, He was in the bedroom, watching through the window. I got up, went to the living room and there it was. I again told Him i wanna talk... And he gave me back my apartment's keys and said He's not gonna stay (even though He planned on staying until next Sunday). And then He left... He drove 700 km to me and then left so suddenly.

When i was reminding Him about the dreams we had, about growing old together, He calmly told me that i'm not gonna be with Him. But then He told, we have lots of time now to think about what's happenedon, since i'm leaving to Japan for couple of months. Well, maybe He does want to think it over, but i think that was about the furthest point where i could go. I guess i don't need to think it over... It is hard to break up with someone you still love, but sometimes you just have to make those decisions. There are things that could make us hook up together, however i don't think they're gonna happen, so i just have to get over it. It is hard but i promised myself to cry as less as possible - so far it's working rather well. It got me unprepared actually, coz even though i knew we're gonna have to talk things through, but i never would have thought we might break up just like that.

He left, but he brought my bike here, which i'm gonna treasure till the day it breaks down or i die. There are more things that are connected to Him and they have their own meaning now.

And everything reminds me of Him at the moment and that's a challenge. I'm not gonna throw His things out, so i just have to find a way to deal with that. He left couple of T-shirts behind, His perfume is still in the bathroom, the book i bought to Him as a "welcome back home" gift left untouched as i didn't have any time for that, and even if i did, there would be no use of pushing gifts under His nose when we're in distress. My drawer is full of clothes that have a deeper meaning for me, like that dress i wanted to put on and dance with Him barefooted, or that shorts in which my butt should look sexy, He would just want to rip it apart, that blouse which He should have liked and so on... Of all things, there's dutch language which i started learning and i don't wanna give up, but i guess i'm gonna always think about Him when i use it. It's not that i'm good at it yet, but i'm not gonna stop learning it just because we broke up. Basically all my life feels still connected to Him in a way and that's the first thing i'll have to change.

It happened so quickly i sometimes think it was just a bad dream, but then i look at those two empty coke bottles and my spare keys left on the table and i know he was here, since i neither drink coke, nor leave my keys like that. I still can see Him sitting at the chair next to mine and saying "I'm not gonna stay..." and that brings a whole pile of sadness, but i'm still managing to stay strong.

Yesterday when i came back home from work, He wrote me to Skype, saying things, saying He's sorry that things turned out like they did. We said our good byes and we wished good luck to each other, so i guess this is really it... It hurts immensely to realize He's not my man of life anymore, even though i'm sure He's gonna stay my love for the rest of my life, even when there's another person right next to me and i am gonna fall in love with that other one as well, but He is gonna live on in my heart for ever. I know... I wouldn't want to delete any single moment of our relationship, because it was a wonderful experience for me, i felt loved like never before and His kisses were the best and how He cared and how He hugged me was just incredible... But everything has its ending point and i guess our relationship had that ending point faster than expected.

There are couple of things that make my heart pound faster and tears gather in my eyes.

The last time we met was around 2 months back when i went to Netherlands. That week we had was one of the best experiences in our relationship! I grew together with Him even more, our connection got stronger, He also felt the same. When i left, i knew this is gonna last. I was so sure about us... And in those couple of months everything turned around so drastically it's hard to believe in it!!! Being sure about our relationship and then see it crashing like that sure does make me feel lost...

The other thing i should rather avoid right now is thinking about the future. When i live my day i can cope with the pain and the emptiness feeling i have, but if i start thinking about things that will never happen again in the future it's hard to keep standing on my two feet. When i think that i will never see His face in the morning, when i wake up, that i will never hug Him and get a good night kiss before we fall asleep... When i start thinking that i'm not gonna ever have that thrill, when He smells my neck with His eyes closed... Those things bounce me off. Anyway, that emptiness feeling is always there.

I think it's good that i'm working now all the time, then i'm leaving to Japan, after that i'm going to London and in couple of days i'm going to open my exhibition in Lithuania and when i go back home to Germany, my new semester at the university starts the next day, so i'm gonna be busy all the time and will have no time what so ever to think about what happened, to cry and just dream about Him.

My routine didn't change too much as well. My every day life was not based not us, but purely on me, since we live in different countries. So i wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, go to university and when i come back home i'm alone, there's not one besides my two lovable cats, to greet me at the door. Of course, we have things that have become a habit. For example, we do talk on skype all the time, call each other every once in a while and things like that, well mostly i'm behind all those doings, because i need way more attention than He does. But anyway, my point is that the way i am actually living won't change too much and that's also good. It's not gonna be so difficult for me to get over it... But i have to be honest, i didn't think i'm gonna lack those skype conversations so much! It's actually the first day and when i came back from home i new that there's not gonna be any messages on skype and i'm not gonna hear His voice and it made me feel unease. But i'm sure i'm gonna get used to it. This morning when i woke up, i again realized that i'm not gonna see Him ever again in this bed, next to me, but my brain managed to comfort me by throwing a thought to the front, that one day, there is gonna be another person, who's gonna kiss me and squeeze me in the morning and then we're gonna cuddle together for a while and whisper all kinda nice things to each other, before we get up. It's hard, especially when i thought that His kiss in the morning was the nicest, His smell was the only one that could turn me on, and Cookie, Bright Eyes and Wiggles were the names that suited me the best. I think i won't hear them ever again as well...

I guess i'm entering a new life phase right now. It's not gonna be easy, but it's gonna be just fine one day. I know, i just don't know when that day will come. Wish me luck, that's all i could be asking right now.

***There is one thing that still buzzes me tho. I'm afraid He's hiding something... And that would be really painful, since He was the person i believed in no matter what. But i guess i will never know...

First reply from WWOOF - positive!!!

Today i had a nice evening... After i came back from work (around 11 pm) i immediately got two nice messages.

First of all it was a call from my special one... After what happened yesterday i wasn't expecting him to give me any attention at all, but i was relieved by his warm voice and by what he said. I was thankful... And it calmed me down, warmed me up and gave me even more faith in us.

Right after that i went to check my email, because this morning i sent two messages to WWOOF hosts and thought that maybe i might get an answer already, but it was more of a hope than actually expecting it to be there in my email, but i actually got one message already. So, let me brag about it.

Here it goes:

ｶﾐﾚさん
お申し込みありがとうございます。
７月２８日から８月８日までなら受け入れが出来ます。
お返事まっていますね。
hXXXXXX
やまざき和子

The message says:

Kamile, (yup, that's my whole name :>)

Thank you for your message.

Reception is available from 27th of July until 8th of August.

We're waiting for your answer.

WWOOFer's code,

Yamazaki Kazuko (i guess it's Kazuko, but i'm not sure bout the reading...)

Wooooohooooo!!!!! I'm totally overjoyed. Even though i wanted to work there from 26th of July until 16th of August, this is still good since it's positive. That means i'm gonna stay at Natsuko's longer than planned, which is just awesome, coz i like Yokohama and i like Natsuko for sure... And also, it's good that they replied so fast, because now i know how to put my schedule in August. Well, i guess i'm gonna leave to Kansai on the 9th of August and stay there until September and then hopefully move to Shizuoka and on 22nd of August go back to Tokyo and stay there for a while at my friend's place.

Until today it still seemed a little bit chaotic, but now it's starting to move on. I'm really happy i get to go back to Japan this summer...

By the way, this morning i got a package! My photo sample came in. I've decided that the quality is pretty good and this price is ok, so i'm gonna go for Kodak Internet Photo Service for my exhibition in October. Everyone who's in Lithuania from October 8th, please do visit my exhibition.

And now, i'm gonna go to sleep... Today without headache, but with a terrible belly pain (pms.... U_U), still with way better mood than yesterday.

Goodnight!

Milly's Chicken Marinade

Well, since couple of people praised my marinade and one of my friends asked for the recipe, i decided to simply put it online, so more people could profit from it! I also personally think that this marinade indeed turned out very well which is a nice thing, since i'm bad with meat.

I used to be vegetarian almost all my life, but then i had to start eating meat when i turned 18 because of some medical problems. So i started eating chicken and turkey. Nothing more thought... Even when i'm asked whether i eat poultry, i say no, because well, if i say yes - i lie, since i hate any other meat than chicken and turkey. For instance, duck doesn't smell nice, doesn't look nice and is totally fat.

Anyway, lets go back to the topic of this post. It's difficult to write it down into a recipe while not doing it and it sure is difficult to write how much do you need of this and that, since i just follow my instincts. But i will try!

Milly's Chicken Marinade:

500g crushed tomatoes (it really has to be like a puree)

2-3 TS original mayonaise (don't take the salad mayo!)

1 TS lemon juice (concentrated one, not the one you can actually drink) or you can press half of lemon by yourself, which would be even better

2-3 big onions

1 garlic head

black pepper, salt

2 TS honey

basil OR (!) oregano, don't mix them together, you should go for either of them

It's not difficult to prepare it, just pour the tomato puree into a big bowl, add mayo and stir it well. Cut onions in really fine cubes and crush garlic, add both to the bowl. Then, add pepper, salt and lemon juice, stir it well again. Then the magic ingredient - honey - comes to the game. Add it to the bowl and stir the mixture, until honey dissolves completely. Add lots of basil OR oregano as the last step.

There you go! You're ready to put chicken in it.

It is quick to prepare and it doesn't require much time to marinade. 1 hour already does the trick. However, it can stand up to 24 hours in the fridge. Don't overdo though, since there's a lot of onions in this marinade and the more time goes by, the more bitter it might get. (if you marinade it for more than 24 hours).

TIP: It's best if you marinade the chicken in a sealed plastic bag in the fridge at least for 1 hour.

Dreadful day.

I even don't know where to start...

The very morning started with a huge fail. After waking up, i did laundry, dressed in my jogging outfit, took my iPod and... FELL ASLEEP. I woke up then at 11 am in my sport clothes. I was pissed at myself immediately and didn't wanna do anything anymore.

Apparently this morning i forgot my birth control pill, which means that no fun without rubber next week. I had to forget exactly now, when it's just 3 fucking days left!!! So in those couple of days that i can enjoy until my red days start i'm gonna be forced to think bout the rubber all the time... Exactly now when my bf is coming after two months of not seeing each other, and afterwards i'm leaving to Japan which means we're not gonna see each other for another 3-4 months. Well done, Milly...

What i also today forgot is to eat properly... So i spend most of the time being hungry. And thanx to this terrible experience, i promised myself to never skip meals again! Yes, i did gain a kilo or two in the last week, coz i was stuffing myself with all that nutritious food, so my brain can work properly for the exam, but i don't have to torture myself now and starve to death... But yeah, of course i'm happy to mention that i gained that unwanted weight in summer. Splendid, huh?

The evening didn't bring enlightenment even though i cleaned my flat nicely and could relax, instead it brought me a giant headache, which is still present. It's like my head's gonna explode any second now.

Another thing came to its climax today. My cat, who is wandering all around the roof (i'm living on the last floor), pooped in the water pipe under my neighbor's kitchen's window and they just totally hate me now. They already did, so Shaya (my cat) just gave them an excuse this time. Now i'm kinda being forced to put nets all over my windows and balcony, so the cat cannot escape. How stupid is that??? I'm thinking about moving actually, but everything's buzzing in my head so intensely i cannot think at all.

I started making my internet page which was supposed to be a good thing, but it's so fucking difficult, that it's no fun at all. I spent hours on it and still didn't get what i wanted... Tiresome.

Even though i'm watering my balcony plants regularly they're totally withering... Today one of them died completely. Hip hip, hooray!

Just before i wanted to go to sleep, i kinda grabbed my bf's attention, coz i wanted to chat with him so badly! Even thought he is supposed to come here in couple of days, i just wanted to say hi to him... Everything ended in a huge huge fight.

And so here i am, crying and writing my blog without any dignity left in me after today, restless, with aching head, still hungry, pissed at myself that i forgot my pill and i still have to write all those emails to arrange my working and staying in Japan!!!!! It's just impossible today... I had to do it yesterday, but today's passed and i'm still not done with it. I'm spending my time now for this blog, which no one reads.

Tomorrow i'm working. Maybe it'll help to take my mind off certain things. Like my bf, our relationship (really difficult relationship at the moment...) and my cats...

Good night, world. Hope you had a lovely day, coz mine just sucked!