Day 14.

Today i was allowed to bake cinnamon bread. I actually wanted to try cinnamon rolls, but because of my host-momma's english, i couldn't understand my task properly. She said: "You can bake some cinnamon bread.". So i did - i baked one loaf of bread. But then she said, that i could have also cut it before baking so it's like rolls. Well, too late, huh?? Anyway, it was amazingly delicious! And who said that cinnamon bread has to be just the white one? I made whole wheat cinnamon bread and it was really gooood. So, feel free to experiment, people, and don't believe all those recipes you have in the books.

I feel myself fading away sometimes during my tasks and just thinking about something. Today, among all those other things, a title for my exhibition came to my mind. I'm pretty happy about this fading-away result, because the title was a huge headache lately. I knew i have to decide, but i just couldn't come up with anything that doesn't sound cheesy or lame. I guess now the part comes in, where i'm supposed to tell you the name, right? Well, i have to highly disappoint you, but i'm not gonna tell you the name. Not now... Of course i will reveal it later and probably readers of my blog will get to know it faster than any other person, but for now i'm gonna keep it in for a while and just think about it. However, something tells me that this is gonna be the official title, even though i'm doubting right now. It was the first one which seemed like a proper title for me, but also first good one and it just sounds right. よかったね。。。

With the thought of a title i feel more and more nervous and stressed... Soon i'll have to decide on the last choice of pictures, order the prints, arrange so many many things! I have to order the postcards and business card, i have to finish (or maybe even redo) my future internet page and launch it in mid-September at latest, so my head just starts spinning when i think about that. By the way, if any of my readers is good in creating web-pages i would be glad to get some help with my page, cause it's so difficult. The last time i tried and i tried to do one thing, but in the end i just got frustrated and turned it off.

Anyway, all of you who have the opportunity to visit the opening of my exhibition which is on 8th of October in Lithuania, Sakiai, please do visit me! You are more than welcome. And bring your wallets in case you want a small souvenir - i will have some postcards. Yeah, i know, this is a cheesy advertisement, but young artists have to start somehow, right? For those, who want to see my exhibition, but cannot come to Lithuania, i'll maybe come up with some ideas, but i'm afraid it's not gonna be completely for free, unless you can offer me exhibition places for free, then i'll be happy to bring my works to your city either personally, or at least via post.

I cannot get one thought out of my head. It came to me in the Airport of Frankfurt just before the flight to Japan while reading an article about South Africa and ever since it's stuck in my head and it's not going out. Quite in opposite, it's clearly showing its present and trying to draw as much attention as possible - waving with flags, screaming, singing, clapping, sometimes walking heavily, so everything's shaking inside, pushing around my other thoughts. This thought's speciality is jumping to the front of everything out of the blue. For instance, i'm weeding, thinking about what should i cook for dinner and how, what kinda ingredients should i buy and then... hop! It's there. Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing around and asking for some intense attention. What can i do? I have to consider it over and over again... And the more i think about it, the more attractive the thought gets. I always wanted to travel, explore the world, new cultures, meet new people, but it's not so easy as it might seem. You cannot just go, because you always have some strings attached. And that's why i would like to do it as soon as possible, which is right after my bachelor. I would sell all the crap i have, store some important things at friends' and just go... Here and there. Scandinavia and Africa are a must, but also New Zealand and Japan would be nice. Holland and France are also on my list... I guess i wouldn't be able to go to any of Americas, but that would be a good starting point. Europe, then down the Africa... And i would see how can i pack Far East in my plan. I probably would take the whole year off, but i'm not even sure it would be enough. Right now the writing is totally messy and there's a reason for it, i'm still brainstorming about it, so for me it's difficult to write anything certain. However, the need to go is there and it's growing with every single day. Especially after experiences like i have here, the need for more gets bigger more rapidly.

Probably it would make my mom sad a little bit, but if it's something i really need to do, i have to do it. Because if i don't, i will blame me and everyone else, who was in my way, till the end of my days. Of that i'm sure. I'm not saying though, i'm really doing it, but i'm considering it... I will see how i feel when i'm back in Europe, this is a huge step, so i cannot decided on it just like that, but i have to rethink it million times. The timing between my present studies and next one is pretty good i think. I am gonna study photography afterwards which is one of my biggest dreams, so you might wanna ask, why run from my dream? The thing is, after my dream gets official i wanna start working with it and realizing my visions, i don't think i'll have so much time for just travelling without any worries, that's why it would be great timing. I would still be young and open for everything that gets in my way, i still can live in various various places, shower in petrol stations and sleep in the sleeping bag somewhere in the park and i won't have a job, won't have family or children. Of course, if i did that after photography, i would have some more photography skills and could use that while travelling, so that's the point where i have to rethink everything over and over again. Right now, i cannot say anything, but this brainstorming grew to be something stronger than just random thoughts. There is one more thing though... I'm almost sure i wouldn't wanna do it alone, mostly because of safety, which brings me to one difficult task - find another crazy person who i can live with for that year (those years) and who could travel with me wherever i decide. Yes, it sounds bossy, but that's the naked truth.

Another thought that crosses my mind while i'm drifting apart from what i'm doing is also pretty much complex. I try to understand what kinda relationship i have and if it's a relationship at all. And if it is, then where we are going with it, because for now i cannot see any bright future for us, even though i love Him so much. I feel Him backing off, drowning in some kinda thick substance. He doesn't wanna grab my hand, so i cannot help Him, because if i try, we end up in a fight, so i just gave up. After my last fight, i've almost decided to break up with Him but at the most important moment i started doubting. I would still doubt it now, because i have feelings for Him, one of the most beautiful loves it could exist, but it cannot be delivered for a while now and it feels unhappy, lonely and is starting to wither.

Every once in a while i have friends asking: "So how is it going with Him?". I never know what to answer... At the moment, it's not going anywhere. My little world, where i can enter while blocking the reality for a short time, is not in the best state right now. It's stormy, cold and everywhere's a mess. At least, my balance point still stands firm.

This week my pms is totally setting in. Today i went to the shop just to buy some shower gel, but i ended up in buying ice cream, chocolate, cookies and eclairs filled with cream and with chocolate icing. Terrible, huh?? I'm already getting chubby like crazy here in Japan because of food amounts, but at least i wasn't eating thaaat much sweets, so today is just a disaster for me. I'm coming back from Japan with couple of additional kilograms - i'm sure. But then again, it's nice to enjoy food without thinking too much, right? I met a girl here, who lost 35 kilograms lately and she was just enjoying food here as well, so i'm not gonna put myself on cross just because of eating basically everything i see. I want to do some sports actually, but every morning i wake up and cannot force myself to do it, because it's just sooo hot and every evening i'm not in the mood anymore, because we eat late here and then i'm out of my rhythm. I managed doing it once though, so it's a good start. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or the day after i'll be jogging around again?

In the shop i again had to admit, that it's pretty expensive in Japan most of the time. Well, Japan's shops are just like Lithuania's: you putting things in your basket, checking the price tags and thinking:"Oh this is cheap, oh this is ok, yeah it's fine, ooooh damn how cheap - gonna take it". Then you're standing at the register, starring at those freakish numbers in the screen and thinking: "What the fuck did i buy that it's so fucking expensive??? Fuck!". Lately i have this situation all the time. Today i really was taken by surprise, especially when i converted it to Euros and then to Litas - i just couldn't believe it.

Today, by the way, we got new wwoofer. A guy from Taiwan. He barely speaks english, so we have to communicate in japanese, which is a good thing for me, because i want to practice, but also a bad thing, because my level is still way too low to show my true self and just chat about everything. The hosts should be happy though... Even though he speaks pretty slow and still makes some mistakes, but he speaks rather well and has quite big vocabulary. So yesterday i asked how long has he been learning japanese. His answer shocked me and brought me to a point, where i have to decide what to think about it. He's either lying, or is a genius, or spent all his free and busy time for learning and did that really 24/7, or for a Taiwanese is really simple to learn japanese language, because he learned it once for a little while, then stopped and before coming to Japan he learned it just for one year!!! For one fucking year! I'm learning it already for almost two years and i still suck big time (even though i already get some praises, but it's just because i'm an european and japanese are still not used to europeans speaking japanese), so for the first time i'm a little bit jealous. I understand those people, who live in Japan and speak good or who have constant contact to natives, but this is just an insult! One year... Well, i will ask him how he did it - i'm interested.

My sunbathing plans ended in failure once again. The weekend was entirely cloudy except some evening sun which is not suited for sunbathing, yesterday i just simply fell asleep on my bed during my lunch break and today i got really short lunch break, so i again couldn't use the opportunity. Tomorrow i'll try again though. Maybe it will finally work! I need just 40-50 minutes and i'm gonna get a good sunburn which will end up in tanning finally. Yes, i know that sunburn isn't healthy, but that's the fastest way to turn brown without big efforts. I hate sunbathing to be honest, but i was told by a doctor to get a tan already 2 years ago, so i have to do it sooner or later and sooner is way better i think. So this summer i'm paying my duties. I dislike the whole idea of lying in the sun for hours just to change your natural skin colour, but well, lots of people do that, huh? However, i have to admit i got used to my brown front already, my face and especially arms are pretty tanned and for me it's kinda natural right now. It seems it has to be like that, so every time i see my back or just some other white parts (for example where bikini was, because ooh, don't you dare to take off your bikini in Japan!) i always think: "What are those white stripes doing on my body?". It kinda looks nice and i've heard that it visually hides about 2 kilograms, but then i panic completely, because if 2 kilograms are already hidden, then i'm in a big problem here. But then again, i got used to myself not just being tanned, but also being soft and juicy like that. It is kinda cute! So as long as i feel comfortable in this body, i should admire myself by all means.

I'm doing lots of weeding lately and you know what pops into my mind all the time? That my grandmother should and would be proud of me. Probably neither she, nor any other relative of mine, would be able to imagine me weeding, but well, here i am - weeding every single day. I have to say, i wouldn't like to study landscaping and be a gardener for the rest of my life, but it's doable. It's not as bad as it might look, although it is really tiresome. And here you just basically mowing the lawn so to say, because you have a piece of ground totally covered with all kinda plants/weeds and your task is to... well, pull everything out. Really, no kidding -

everything. So it's not that difficult. Besides, i found my favourite place in Clare's garden and i've been weeding just right next to it lately, so i'm happy. And every now and then, i can nibble on those grapes! They're not ripe yet, but i don't care about that too much, as long as it's edible. And most of them, even if not blue, but already are soft and sweet.

Another great thing about Clare's garden that i've discovered today. We have bell peppers!!!!! Oh my god, can you imagine??? Own bell peppers! That's like sooo cool! Today i needed some bell peppers for the dinner and when i heard that i can just pick some in the garden i totally freaked. I went to look for them without any knowing how they look like, but when i found them i was happy like a child. I will definitely have some of them in my own garden one day. I really do hope so!

There is one thing that bothers me since yesterday when i'm working outside. Well, i should have written about it yesterday, because it occurred for the first time yesterday, but i just simply forgot... So yesterday something unimaginable happened. For the first time in my life, i picked just observing something over taking pictures of it. Well, basically i didn't choose anything, i was just shocked and i couldn't move a finger, was just watching that thing. Probably if i wouldn't be so surprised i would have made a picture after all. I was just sitting outside, enjoying the sun, waiting for my host-momma to come back to Clare and then it was, this intense sound of a plane. It was way different from the one you get when a regular travel plane passes by somewhere in the sky. This was really near and really heavy, so i opened my eyes and i saw it - a military jet-plane, just passing by, totally low and that's why it was so surprising, so i just kept on starring at it. I've never seen anything like that from this close. Well, my hometown was under NATO jet fighters route in Lithuania's south east, so every day we could see/hear couple of them passing by, but never so close to the ground! It was interesting, but what happened afterwards and what continue to happen this whole day made me worried a little bit. Like 10 minutes after there was the same colour helicopter heading the same way. Then, another one just after a minute or so. Today, i saw maybe 5 or 6 helicopters going from or to that direction, so it worries me a little bit. My host-momma said :"Don't worry, Japan no war! Never war!" and of course she's right, it's not like Japan's gonna start a war just like that, but being in a foreign country and seeing this still makes me feel unease. Even for the host it was unusual. If there are some helicopters tomorrow (or even more), i'm gonna try checking the news, maybe something did happen around here.

Today's post is pretty long and random, i am sorry if any of you felt bored at any point... I always had the need to write and i still have it, i just lost my ability to write beautifully, but i believe that it'll come back one day, so i cannot let my finger tips rest for too long - they have to practice frequently. Also, having more time alone without any other wwoofers around lets me dip my time into thinking and listening to myself. I wish this place was somewhere in the mountains, so i could get some fresh air in the morning. I brought my yoga mood with me as well, but i don't have any place for it here...