Slow is good.

Today i had an early start. I woke up at 6:20 in the morning and decided to get up. Starting my morning so early and doing it slowly was a good idea... Recently i've decided to do more for myself, try to set some rules or come up with activities that are just purely for ME, my soul or my body. Not rushing in the morning is gonna be number 1 in my list. For that i might have to wake up early every day, but i would rather do that, then have just 20 minutes of my morning. For instance today i woke up and just walked around in the flat a little bit, got some fresh air in the balcony and just sat down and took 5 minutes for breathing and relaxing, my shower turned into spontaneous bath and i could enjoy my tea just how i like doing it - waiting until it's not that hot and warming up my palms by holding the cup. It's a big difference from the mornings, where you just grab cup of tea and drink it in one minute, because you normally do drink tea, so it's like you cannot skip that. But rushing doesn't do any good for me. 

I'm still not sure about multitasking though... Spiritually it shouldn't be good for anyone, but i'm happy i manage doing couple of things at once. And i'm afraid that without it, i wouldn't be able to fit in 24hours day. 

Yesterday the moment i went to bed and saw those so familiar ceilings and that window in my room and that gently red sky we sometimes have here, i realized i'm back at home, i realized there's gonna be just me and my life from now on. And it was a little bit weird knowing, there's not gonna be wwoofing tomorrow, going to a field or serving drinks at the cafe. At that moment my adventure summer ended, but no need to pull a long face - adventure autumn awaits! 

Saturday evening i became single (i guess i haven't mentioned that yet..) and that still doesn't make me as sad as i expected. It might be a good thing. But of course there's a hole in me at the moment, where He has to be. Now there's nothing and it's strange. But i'm ok, i'm dealing with that quite all right. I've been thinking today when in the bath tub, that it might be one of the good things that happened to me this year. I'm 20 years after all, have bunch of friends, am really busy and love travelling - what's the point in having crappy relationship then?? It's better not to have any and just enjoy everything life has to offer. I think it's gonna work out better than i can think. So i'm not gonna let the sadness in! I might wanna move to a new place though... This is way too big (and too expensive) for me alone. And i have to throw his perfume out, because that was one thing, that made me bite my lip off, when i opened the bathroom cabinet and smelled that familiar sense. 

I had to take care of couple of things today, so i spent my morning in the city. Every step i took was confident and i did feel at home, but also, i was just eating every single piece of this city with my eyes, observing everything and my mind couldn't calm down - every minute thinking if it's really ok, that i'm back. It was as if i was weighing everything i see and comparing it to Japan, it was as if i asked myself "Can i really live here? Is it the right place?", so it was a little bit tiresome. But i feel ok. It's cold here, but i feel good breathing in that... fresh air with a pinch of winter crisp. 

But being here isn't just about how the city looks like or how it feels, but it's also my real world. It's not just about IF i would like to live here, it's that i DO live here and with that i have all kinda strings attached, all kinda responsibilities. One of the biggest worry of mine is money. Right now, i have 8 Euros at the moment and i'm going to London on Friday for 5 days... That's gonna be tough. I don't have a job right now and without that i cannot afford living here, so i'll have to fix that really fast. Although everything i would like to do is just study.... And have millions and millions, so i wouldn't have to work. Dreams dreams..... I admit it - i do like it here, but i think it is gonna be just a middle stop between my start and my goal in my life. 

I did some housework and there's more to come and i enjoy it! I'm finally back at my own home, where i could do what i want how i want it. I think, that's my dualistic part again - as much as i love travelling, i always will enjoy being a housewife and playing that idyllic life. And this morning was a good example of that - waking up, doing laundry, having breakfast, shopping for groceries, taking care of some other things and then going back home, having a cup of tea and just writing my blog. Perfect, isn't it? 

I do realize as well, how badly i would love to work at home at my computer - writing books, articles or being an editor of something. Photography is also a good choice for me, because you do have to do lots of editing at computer. It would be really well for me, i know. But for that, i again need lots of money to be able to afford this kinda lifestyle - without a steady work. But it's gonna be my goal as well... I don't wanna be stuck in the office. 

So, everyone - buy my books when i publish them and help me live the life i'm dreaming about! I wanna wake up in the middle of the night with ideas for exhibitions, books and photo shootings just like i did in Japan. 

But right now i'm not in Japan anymore, i'm here, at home and i'm gonna make it work as much as possible! And gonna use every opportunity in my life i get to become a person i could be proud of. 

Narita.

Another hour before boarding.

It breaks my heart being here... Narita airport. Departure section...

"New loves can be found easily, but what you are really looking for, you can find only here." - these words, that i found on a wall in the airport, made me cry...

Last curry.

Another year have to pass by until i come back.

I don't wanna go back to Europe!!! Wanna stay here for another while... Someone kidnap me and hold me here as a hostage!

Day 69. NO PICS YET.

Ainu Festival was awesome!!!

In that kinda festival i can find Japan i wanna see. It was a little little tiny bit disappointing, that today was a day of talks and seminars, which i cannot properly understand and all the music was on Saturday, so i payed just basically in order to be there, enjoy the clear air, listen to the mountain river next to that place, meet my friends and talk to some new people. There was one music performance and dancing, where i was involved as well and it made me SO MUCH fun!

I again got to meet people from Omaezaki and they are incredible people without any doubts! I also talked to some random people in the festival and if i didn't have any language barrier it would be just outstanding. I can feel way more free in Japan than for example in Germany, and i keep asking myself why.

It started raining in the evening and got really cold, so we didn't wait until it ended, but it still was a good experience. Leah, Tom and Jin joined me, so it was nice to go there as a group, even though it scattered a little bit afterwards. I'm sure i would be able to find lots of nice people in Japan... I am sure... 

Day 68. NO PICS YET.

Today i was angry with myself right in the morning. Weather forecast was rain and clouds as always and since past days were like that, i even didn't doubt it, so i just enjoyed my sleep and staid in bed until 12 oclock (i staid up late last night!!), but when i woke up and opened my eyes i saw that blue sky and sun!! And i was sooo angry with myself, then i went to facebook and saw friend's messages on my wall like "fuck, wake up!" and i was angry even more... But luckily she logged into facebook again and we decided to meet - it's a girl i met in Sasayama while wwoofing. She's lovely and she reminds me of one person... 

We went to Imperial Palace and took a walk, ate my home-made onigiri and just chatted... We met in Tokyo station and i could praise my intuition once again! Last year i stayed out of Tokyo station by all means, but this year i couldn't avoid it and now i understand why subconsciously i didn't wanna go there - it's a mess there. It's not as big as Shinjuku for example, but it's really spacious and there's not much of directions and maps, so basically you have arrows pointing this and that, but when you arrive the arrows disappear, so you're left with guessing. Did not like it!  

Imperial Palace is a big park after all... It's nice for walking around, i might come back again! I liked it.

After that we went to Mitaka and just walked around. It's a nice district. Mitaka and Kichijoji - there i can go quite often. It's a little bit further away from the center of Tokyo, so it's a big relieve to be out there... 

In the evening i met Cody and Reiko - two people also from Sasayama wwoofing. They are extremely lovely people and one of those who make my going back to Europe harder. Leaving all those people here is heartbreaking. Even though i DID miss my friends back at home, i really did...

Tomorrow i'm going to Ainu Matsuri and gonna be surrounded by nature - totally looking forward to it. 

Today was sunny, but actually cold and i'm worried i caught a cold, but i'm a tough girl - i won't let any illness bring me down on my journey in Japan. 

Day 67. NO PICS YET.

Today i again disappointed in Tokyo... Before i took off to Yokohama to meet my friend, i stopped at totally random district and wanted just to find a place to drink tea and read a book. After walking for around 40 minutes i ended up in train station again, drinking expensive tea at Starbucks, having people all around me, so i just shoved the tea down the throat and ran away as fast as possible. It happens really often in Tokyo - you're trying to find something, but you end up in a train station, because it is the only place where you can find anything. By the way, the district i ended up in was Meguro - do not go there if you don't have anything to do there, because there's nothing there, just working/business buildings and some hotels. 

Anyway, i did find an organic section (just a section...) in a food market in Meguro station, which looked quite good, but really expensive. 

After that i went to Yokohama, because i thought i'm gonna be a little bit luckier there - i still had time until we meet, so i had to do something. So then again i got disappointed, this time in Yokohama. I couldn't find a fucking bench outside the station!!! Went to a manga/anime geeky store with hope to find a couch there or something like that, but then again i failed. One guy got really nervous seeing a foreigner girl there and bumped at a big pile of manga plastic models, messing everything. Was actually funny. I really wanted to just sit down somewhere, so i was just walking around, looking for a potential place and i saw a nice book store and a book shelve ladder thingy, so i just sat down there and was reading cooking books. 

Evening with Natsuko and her mom was really nice! We went to Miffy exhibition which was really interesting and i felt a small pinch inside when reading/hearing (video footage) dutch language, it was a small hint about going back home and somehow dutch language made me at ease with me going back to Europe. I'm gonna put some more efforts in that language, because i do wanna speak well. 

We went to a buffet (Natsuko really loves that kinda eating out) near Yokohama station and food was really amazing! It was so delicious, i completely stuffed myself. I ate so much, i barely could walk afterwards. But that's what we do with my friend - stuff so badly and then talk about how much weight we gained lately. Isn't it fun? Eating out is actually a nice attraction! I wish she and her parents could visit me in Germany one day, that would be really awesome! I bet they would love it, i would love it as well. I hope they'll find some time one day... (as long as i'm still there) 

Oh, and today i tried yet another brand of Melon Pan (Big Fan) - Melon Pan with chocolate chips. OMG, that was really delicious! I recommend it to everyone who could grab it... 

Day 66.

Thursday. 

It would have been my day off if i would have still wwoofed, but those days are over. At least for this summer or this year... It' is strange indeed to be here in Tokyo and realize that i'm not gonna go yet to another location, that i'm not gonna continue my wwoofing summer that this - is the final spot, those are the last days in Japan and they're in Tokyo.

Yesterday when i entered the house, i realized that i've forgotten to ask the door code, but instead of panicking i just let my fingers do their job and i got in! My inner me remembered the code from last year, can you imagine? It feels so at home... I never really liked Tokyo too much, because it's so different than what i would wanna be in, but it feels a lot more home, than for example Lithuania - strange feeling, huh? I wouldn't like to live in Tokyo for a long time, so it doesn't feel home as in a place i wanna be or a place my heart is craving, but it feels home out of habit, out of the practical fitting in, because i feel i do belong somewhere out there.

I always thought i've been born in a wrong time and wrong place. And i still think i'm right. Or maybe my past life character is too loud inside of me and doesn't let me live right now and here. 

It's raining today, so there's no sightseeing. I actually don't have too much to visit, because i did a lot last year - and realized just this year, when i was looking through sight seeing pamphlets and internet pages. It's strange, that you can see basically everything in a huge city like that! 

So this year i would love to discover nice shops and cafes, if that's possible at all. 

In the evening i couldn't stand sitting at home, so i went for a walk and i found one really nice thing that made me smile like a child - i found my mom's favorite tea - oh, how lucky could i be? - so i took couple of packs for her, because after going back to Europe i'm going to England and then visiting Lithuania for 3 days. 

Later on we went with my friend to Roppongi for a walk and i also met Jin - a painter -, so we chatted and took a walk... He did however ask to hold my hand, which made me feel awkward a little bit, but even more, it made me ask myself - am i really that likable?? Just yesterday we had this big fight with my special one, but guys keep on popping out totally out of blue, when i least expect it. Oh i wish i found a person i'm dreaming about. Maybe one day i will and when i do, i won't let go of him/her. 

Day 65.

I couldn't avoid problems on the road - like most of the times. I'm so unlucky with transportation sometimes and i'm not just talking about being late or trains/buses/planes coming late, but i already have quite a list here. Train strikes - almost missed the flight, accidents on rails because of which trains didn't arrive, being stuck in Brussels because of, first, german train strikes, then because of french train delay - stopping in the middle of the way because of unexpected problems, missing trains, buses breaking down in the road, buses lost on the road, plane waiting for the new pulling-car, because the one broke down and stuff like that.... Today there was an accident on the highway, which made the Tomei Highway bus stop in Shizuoka. So i had to go to the train station first, get a train and after 5 or 6 times transferring to another train i finally made it to Tokyo! I was a little bit tired afterwards but i didn't let it get to me and after saying hi to the friend i'm staying at, i went to NiModo gallery in Shibuya to meet with old friends from last year.... And that just made my day!!! Last year we couldn't communicate too much, because of language gaps, but this year, when i finally talked japanese to them, it was so much easier! I was really glad and i came back home after couple of hours with a huge smile on my face. I met three people from last year and i hope i meet them again until i leave! Well, one of them i'm gonna definitely meet on Sunday - the Ainu Matsuri in Tokyo. Anyone who has some free time on Sunday (or Saturday - it's the whole weekend, but i'm going just on Sunday) please, feel free to join me! 

This year, i will try to enjoy Tokyo. Last year i didn't like it too much... And today i also was worried the plan to enjoy it is gonna fail too fast, because oh, how can i fall in love with the city who doesn't have much in common with me? A city filled with buildings, transportation, trash and plastic bags, a cold concrete jungle, a city where so much is wrong... But i will try to find good places, i will do my best! 

Day 64. NO PICS YET.

Today for my last evening we had Okonomiyaki party with Emi-San, who is a photographer, so she also consulted me with my portfolio... Everything was so delicious, and yet so usual that i couldn't believe i am gonna leave next day in the morning. But then again, i remember one thing i told to myself when i was still back in Sasayama - i'm still too young to attach to just one thing and i have to move on in order to experience as much as possible. I stuffed my belly full with amazingly delicious okonomiyaki and sweets afterwards...

The night before, don't know why, i couldn't fall asleep until 6 oclock in the morning and i didn't take a nap through out the whole day so i expected myself to be dead by the time Emi even arrives and was worried about our little okonomiyaki party, but i wasn't even THAT tired and when i got back home i didn't have the craving for bed, like i should have had, so it was strange... But maybe it's just an energy boost i got for the last day in there!

In the afternoon a friend of hosts came by and taught me how to prepare a raw cake. It was just superb!!! We prepared peach raw cake and banana/choco raw cake - it doesn't take much time, it doesn't have to be baked, so it saves up resources and it's really refreshing - you eat it straight from the fridge (or freezer). Banana/choco has a tender flavor, while the peach cake feels light as a feather and just melts on your tongue.

This place taught me things that i really value right now and i think they're gonna be important in the future, so i'm glad i could have this kinda experience. Slowly i get a clearer vision of the life i want and every day and every step made gets me closer and closer to it. I made many many mistakes, but maybe it all worked out for the better of it - with all the mistakes made, wrong decisions and fuck ups, i now know what i want and i don't have to just go guessing around.

Tomorrow I'm leaving to Tokyo and in a week - going back to Europe...

Coziness in a cup.

Milk tea i made all by myself! To make things cozy... I always feel some kinda warmth when drinking that. And those lovely apple shaped cups just spice things up completely!!

Day 63. NO PICS YET.

Today i got to cook again and it was the sweet cuisine - we forgot to do shopping on sunday, so we just moved it to monday. I prepared milk rice and sweet fruit soup - was delicious! Even though rice magically absorbed more milk than expected, so it became a little bit stiff. But well - food is food after all, it's was nice. The soup did turn out just like i wanted, so i couldn't stop eating, even though it was too hot - i just shoved everything down my throat instead of really enjoying it thoroughly, but i just couldn't resist. I wonder, why i cook so little lithuanian food when i'm germany.

We had pretty long break in the afternoon, so i took a walk in the park nearby - didn't know it even existed - and at the sea shore, made some pics, ventilated my head a little. And afterwards we were getting ready for the evening - healers were supposed to come. We rearranged Nagomi a little bit, made a separated area, where they could do their thing. And also we had a special menu! Lots of tea (chai as well!!) and soy meat karaage. Was really delicious. 

Those healers are young people and very friendly, so we had dinner together (more friends joined us while we were eating) and then the healing started - i also got a session! Was interesting, even though i didn't feel too much. After that i talked a lot to my hosts' friends, which are slowly becoming my friends so it's again really sad i'm leaving right now - on a verge of really getting into that circle. And it's strange when i think back about last year, how little i did in Japan and this year - it's a total difference and i'm so happy. Even though i have to admit, that communicating still gives me shivers, but i have to do my best. I've seen already couple of foreigners that speak fluently, totally fluently japanese and i know i can do it!

In the evening i had to call because of my part time job, so i just HAD to go back home, but since we had customers, i was given the keys and was left on my own - to drive back home. It was my first time driving in Japan at all and i did it completely alone, that's was really nice. Not just the driving itself (on the left side and stuff) made me relax - i like driving - but also the thought that my hosts trusted me so much, that made me also happy. 

Strange thing - the left side traffic looks normal to me by now, it's gonna be strange going back to the right side i think. 

Going into leaving mode..

Already saying my good byes to people i won't be able to see tomorrow. Getting pretty upset.

I wish i could stay in Japan as long as i want, but my life in Europe awaits.

Day 61 and Day 62. NO PICS YET

The weekend here was pretty easy this time... Even though we had quite a few big reservations all the customers were really clean and pretty quiet. One of the group was family group with children of age 1-3, so they also didn't drink too much and it was quite fun. We set up camp fire as well, where they could roast marshmallows! 

On Sunday - day 62 - we finished quite early with customers and just friends stayed, so i asked if i could back home and finished packing. So now i just have to let 2 days go by and i'm going to Tokyo... for my last run before going back to Europe. 

Who wants to meet?

Time and climate difference.

Why didn't i do this earlier?! Yesterday i activated mobile blogging... sucha relieve. Now i can reach my blog any minute.

It's still amazingly hot in Omaezaki, even though september is going to its end soon. I wonder what's the weather like in Europe. I guess it's freezing out there... brrr don't wanna go back！

Day 60. NO PICS.

2 months i'm in Japan already and i got used to it so badly, i'm really getting upset when thinking about leaving back to Europe. But i guess it's good to find a place where i wanna be after all - i can always go back, can't i? When it comes to me, i tend to attach to places i feel comfortable at really fast, because i'm constantly looking for home... Who know where it's gonna be. 

Today was a day like any other day, but in the evening i made lemon grass tea with lemon grass straight from the garden!! Was lovely...  

Day 59.

Day off in a really western way.

Today was raining (as always on my single day off), so my host-mom had a nice solution for going out - we went to a big shopping mall. We did spend there surprisingly lots of time - but i guess that’s what happens when you go to a shopping mall. I did buy some thing for myself as well, couldn’t resist - bought nice knitted shorts for winter and leggings, because it was on sale!!! Afterwards we went to 100 Yen shop and since i had a to-buy-list for that one, i filled my backpack with things for myself and souvenirs.

When we came back after dinner it was already pretty late, so we spent basically the whole day shopping and strolling through shops, but it didn’t become difficult, like for example visiting their friends. It wasn’t maybe as personal, even though my host-mom wanted to go there, because she was looking for a b-day present, but still... I wasn’t dragged in their really personal and intimate lives, which let me relax a little bit.

By the way, that was my last day off, since i’m leaving just before the next one. Time passed by extremely fast here! It feels like just couple of days, but it’s been already 2 weeks. Wow!

Day 58. NO PICS YET.

Today was a quiet day at Nagomi, so we did some big shopping and again prepared some food and froze it for later. This time it was meat, so i couldn’t help much, but i did all i could.

Since we had lots of time for shopping, i grabbed my list as well and bought stuff i want to bring back to Europe. And that reminds me again and again, that i’m leaving so soon which makes me sad, because i would love to stay here as long as possible! This time i spent more quality time i suppose, so i attached to this country even more than the first time. Also, i could and did communicate in japanese, which gave me more freedom than last year and again, that made me connect to people and country, and culture more. Since i spent quite a lot time with japanese people in their own surroundings, i got to be part of their lives, part of true japan (as much as it can be diverse depending on every family), so it’s gonna be hard for me to go back to european style of living. Especially food... I’m already going berserk in asian shops, but now i’m gonna know exactly what i want and most likely i’m not gonna find me which is gonna lead me to a big disappointment.

Leaving bad things aside, i was happy to prepare potato pancakes - typical lithuanian dish, and so spread the lithuanian culture (which i’m unfortunately not a big fan of) in Japan. I have to admit, that food is quite ok in Lithuania, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed. I was lucky to be able to get Hokkaidou sour cream and Hokkaidou potatoes, because they are most similar to lithuanian ones and i have to admit - Hokkaidou sour cream is REALLY good. I was soo happy after tasting it, because in Germany, even though it’s closer to Lithuania, you cannot find proper sour cream - it’s all watery and doesn’t taste as good. Well, my hosts liked those pancakes and i did too. On sunday i’m gonna prepare sweet dinner - german milk rice and lithuanian sweet fruits soup - the idea of it was a big surprise to my host parents, so i’m really excited about that one. I hope they’re gonna like it...

Day 57.

I cannot believe it's actually happening here in this place, but i'm a little bit losing track of time again and if not this blog i would definitely lose it pretty quick. I don't really know which date it is or what week day, and i'm happy to have computer, cell phone and watch where i can always look for help. But as often as i look at the watch for the date, i forget it all over again.

Days here started to melt finally... I already know what to do when, i already got closer to the hosts, so i can feel a little bit more at ease some times (not always though...). As people they are really amazing so i'm happy i could meet them!

Today, i talked to this customer, a friend of my hosts (like most of the customers). And got praised a little bit by my host afterwards, cause normally i don't talk too much to the customers. It's not just about me, being nervous about my japanese, but also about me, being perfectionist and being unhappy when i mess up, but mostly about the thing, that i don't know how to approach them, or/and what to talk about. I mean, they're like totally not in my world (except for being japanese...), they're totally strangers to me and it's not like you always just go to the customers and start chatting like you've been best friends for ever! So well, maybe you do, but i don't. Maybe it's my problem, maybe i should talk to the customers more, but well i do it slowly and that was the first step, i guess.

Day 56.NO PICS YET.

Today was a pretty easy going day... We had quite a few customers at lunch time, but no reservations in the evening, so we had a nice dinner and came back around 10 pm - quite early.

Since Nagomi wasn't busy we did some preparations. We made lots of veggie meat for burgers and, my favourite part, we made coconut and strawberry ice cream!

Today, filled with disappointment and uselessness i just HAD to get my jeans out of my suitcase and see if they still fit me. It was pretty hot, so long pants is not a good idea in Japan even if it's already september - it is still hot, but i just had to do it... And thanx god it still fits me. Well it looks not as good as it used to, but i still can put them on. Well, as much as i hate that weight i gained there's a good side of this - i get to lose it again which is lots of happiness every time i see i get slimmer!!! Always have to look at the good side, huh?

Day 55.

Almost vacation today... We didn't work at lunch time and if not that reservation from a famous person, that came just while we were sightseeing a little bit, i don't know if we would have worked at all. But one reservation didn't hurt anyone! And we started just from 5 pm today, so i guess it's fair.

I was glad i could have a little bit more time than regular this morning... I did may things, started planning university, filled my agenda with when-to-do-what lists, started choosing additional subjects for studying - i'm thinking i'm going for russian and/or indonesian. I wanted to do DaF (German as foreign language), because i really love it, and i like the teachers, but every single class of that subject crosses with my main classes, so i cannot choose it. Pity, i was really upset by that. But it's never perfect in life, huh? Anyways, there's a lot of new subjects available which woke my interests to come back to that university a little bit more! But what i didn't like was that japanese is also available, which means that there might be newbies in the language course with us, which brings our already low level and further down...

For lunch we went to a park to have a picnic! I looove picnics! We didn't prepare anything by ourselves, because i think it was kinda spontaneous thing, so we had to buy everything, but that doesn't matter, because picnics - any picnics - rule! So we went to this nice quiet park surrounded by tea bushes... Was really beautiful and interesting. And that park had a small organic (i suppose) vegetables shop, where everything's pretty cheap, so we bought vegetables and fruits. Prices were really good except for honey - it was as expensive as hell (just like about everywhere), which makes me crave more and more for a true lithuanian honey. To be completely exact - for honey from my parents bee hives.

After our small picnic we went to a shrine and fed fishes and turtles. The smallest boy kept on eating the fish food, because it was actually kinda delicious and sweet - i tried it. There's gonna be a big festival in that shrine, but i'm not gonna be in Omaezaki anymore...

Before this small trip i managed to order pictures for my exhibition and with having done that i'm completely ready for the exhibition to come, just need to calm down my nerves and be positive about it! I already started doing my portfolio, since i'll have to show something when i'm going to UK. So it was a productive day for me - glad about it!

Day 54.

We had an early finish today! Woohoo!! We had a reservation for lunch, but none for the evening, so my hosts decided to call it a day when it was just 5 pm.

It was good for me, even though i didn't do anything remarkable in my free time. I did however grab a bike and went for a short ride in the neighborhood. I'm also done with the final pick for the exhibition, so now it's just ordering left. It's less than a month until my grand opening and i'm really happy i've decided to do it! I've never studied photography, i just learned it by doing it and experiencing new things, so i often feel insecure about my pictures, because i lack theory in order to defend them if someone says it's crap. But i guess everyone will just smile at me, even if it's terrible.

I notice that the work starts annoying me sometimes. Especially in the mornings. Today we left at 10 am, which is about 2 hours earlier than normal, so i was already a little bit afraid of what's coming today. But it turned out not so bad at all... I started sleeping worse, way worse and it's definitely a result of this kinda work, but it's just 10 more days before i leave, so i can take it. The sleep is not as important at the moment as for example my weight... Today i couldn't believe how badly i fucked up!! I don't remember the last time it was as bad as now, so it really got on my mood for the whole day. I'm angry with myself. Big time. And i've already told my host-momma that i'm gonna cut on the portions a little bit, because i don't feel good now and she understood me - she's a woman after all. (And a gorgeous one by the way...) It's a pity it's so terribly hot in Japan, because i would like to do some jogging and sports outside - i brought my exercise outfit, but for me it's just suffering to be outside, not even talking about working out. But i'll find a way. I know i will lose that weight and get back to normal look, but it's gonna cost lots of time, nerves, patience and self-confidence, which i barely have. Anyway, it's not just about the fact it's not gonna be easy, but also bout the fact, that i fucked up so much! I mean, i gained 5 kg which is A LOT and i gained them in like 2 months, but to lose them takes way longer, it's not just about the weight as well, it's also bout the body shape, because it's not gonna be nice after i lose them... Well, to sum this up in a sentence: i'm angry, disappointed, disgusted and upset.

Day 53.

Today my hosts have wedding to attend, so we had a day off!! (Magical combination of words for me by now) And i managed to stay at home for the whole day and sleep, rest, do some crap...

I was planning to go to the beach, but i fell asleep and when i woke up it was dark already, so i kinda didn't wanna drive a bike in a city that i don't know when it's dark. So i just stayed at home, watched Mononoke Princess again - a beautiful beautiful movie. I also cooked today which was fun, since i normally cook every day for myself (i live alone), but here i always get food prepared by the hosts mostly. Well i do help, and i did make pizzas once and miso soup once, but normally i'm not the cook here, so it's unusual for me and i really truly miss cooking.

As the flight back to Europe draws nearer and nearer, i start going back to the routine in my mind. Today i took a look at job ads, since i really need a job back at home. I lost my last spot - long and sad story... Well, that's what you get for being a foreigner in eastern parts of germany. I wish i could do what i really like, which would be photography. It would be great to get a job somewhere in the paper or just sell my pictures as free lancer, so i might wanna start advertising myself every now and then. I've done weddings as well, so i could do that again, i can retouch pictures, i could do sales advertising photography a little bit as well, if i bought the light tent, so i really have to start doing something like that. But for a steady job i also wanna do something i really like, so i've been looking into kitchen work. There's one really tempting offer - they even don't request experiences and can get you a chef license after a while - that would be a wise step into the future. So i'll let it rest for a while, wrote down all the numbers and address and i'll start applying as soon as i've decided if i wanna go for the kitchen - work there is really tough, that i know really well.

I have to already make plans of what i exactly do when after coming back to Europe - lots of things are on my mind already. But i kinda like it, this here is not a real life for me. It's always amazing being here and i never wanna leave, but to be honest, i love being busy with thing that mean to me a lot personally as well, so it's kinda nice to go back to my own life. Then again, my own life means my own shit, which i have quite a lot back there. But i'll manage!

Day 52.

Was a busy busy day!

I slowly am going back to my regular eating and getting the comments, that i barely eat - well good for me. The first week after Sasayama i was eating like crazy, i even got remarks about it, so i felt embarrassed a little bit. This is also the reason for an extreme diet after i come back from Japan - i crossed my definite stop-limit when it comes to weight and i feel terrible... And i don't like myself anymore, which is not good. I don't care too much about what scales say, never cared about it, but i do care about how i feel about myself - and i was glowing and happy with my looks before i left to Japan. Right now i gained already 4 kg... That's extreme! I have cheeks now! I wanna do sports here, because my body is out of tune, but it's just too hot to do anything outside, i would probably die after 5 minutes jogging. So i'm just enjoying here and now and gonna starve those 4 kg away when i'm back in Europe i guess... Just kidding, i'm not the starving type - i have clever techniques. But it's not gonna be easy.

Leaving that behind, i have to repeat it again: it was a busy busy day... Even though we didn't have that many people today, it somehow was pretty stressful, since we had three different groups and one of them wasn't there for BBQ, but just regular eating out people, so we had different orders and they ate quite a lot and diverse... At some point we almost ran out of glasses for drinks and ice cubes!

It wasn't just busy, it was long as well... Today my host-mom offered me a lift back home while the hosts stayed in the shop for another while - it was almost 1 oclock already! And i felt really nice that she brought me back home... I think that's the way it should be. I'm just a wwoofer after all, and they're the owners.

Day 51.

Today was my day off. I wanna go there and do that, but after working like i do here, there's just one thing on your mind when you wake up on your day off - stay in bed and do nothing at all.

Anyhow, today we had a trip to some places, which at the beginning was just awesome, but then...

So first of all, we went to this... well, place, called Village. I even don't know how to call it properly. It used to be just a typical old japanese-style house, but it was renovated a little bit, so know you can live there or do things (it probably was about to break down completely... so

the renovation is just to make it look like a house again, but they didn't change anything about it!). It's like a small cafe, they have different kind

of herb, indian tea, coffee i think. They are also selling hand-made accessories, clothes, natural skin care products, honey, spices, tea - those kinda things. The house is at a small hill, surrounded by trees, bushes and basically - pure nature. It's really quiet there, if you can read/understand japanese - there's loads of interesting books, the smells are nice, so you just sit there, listen to the nature and relax, enjoy, turn off from the world a little bit.

I really enjoyed it! After a while, with a cup of nice tea

i had to take my note out and started sketching things. Handcrafting and selling it on etsy didn't quite work for us, but the idea hasn't died in my head - i really do wanna continue it. Maybe i could go through festivals or sell it for shops like that - i just have to have a decent amount of the goods.

Japan so far seems like the best location for things like that - my own business, trying to achieve something with organic/healthy living style, handcrafting, photography, basically peaceful life... For instance, you are allowed to sell/use goods made/grown by yourself, which is barely allowed in Europe. I even started thinking about importing my dad's honey into Japan... Might be good idea actually.

While travelling from A to B, i just enjoyed the view through the window, sticking my hand out and trying to catch the wind. Just like in a movie! Just like in a dream...

Sky was still gray and scary because of yesterday's typhoon, it was still raining most of the time, but i tried to ignore that. And i fell in love with Japan again and again and i don't know anymore how many times i'm gonna fall in love with this country in the future. I find here places, i like to stay at for way longer, than i'm staying, i meet people, i wanna keep as friends in the future, i like how things go here. I try to memorize every tree and bush and flower on my way, watching with my eyes wide open - i do not wanna forget anything!

I do not why, but i sometimes get the feeling that this or that village looks just like U.S. even though i've never been there... But i just get this strange feeling, and if i followed my intuition, it might be true. So right now i would like to travel through U.S. and see if i'm right!

After visiting the Village, we just kept on driving and that where the downhill for me started... We went to Shizuoka to visit hosts' friend, who i don't know.

So we went there, first of all i didn't like the guy's attitude, but not gonna post online why. It's enough to say that i reaaally was annoyed by the way he talks, moves and does the rest. Second of all, i didn't know the guy and since there was no connection what so ever, i didn't have anything to talk about to him, not to mention, that my japanese isn't good enough to just talk about anything - i'm pretty much limited to easy topics. Third of all, i was just dragged there without even asking if i want to and that really hit the core. The rest just mixed with each other and i was really sensible, couldn't manage with the noise 4 kids around me made, couldn't manage the guy, his bigger kid, who was in my eyes, really impolite, couldn't manage the smell around me, had to do something, so i just took a note, a book and went to the balcony, it didn't hold the noise too much, but at least i had my own space, where my energy could flow around me and get free a little bit, without being choked by others' energies.

This place is a huge personal struggle for myself. As much as i like my host-family, as much as i like the place where i work, it's difficult for me and i have ups and downs to often. I often feel i wanna leave and the good part is - i can leave whenever i want, but then again - i don't wanna just surrender and run. But the line between suffering and challenging is really thin here.

Today however, i managed to fight a little bit and told them i would like to leave soon... It was already evening, so i guess it wasn't too bad to ask them this kinda thing. My host-momma agreed!

So today wasn't a good day, even though it had PERFECT start... And so after my day off i feel tired.

Day 50.

I'm already looking forward to my day off! Really badly lacking time for myself here in this place... I also noticed that in the amount of pictures - i barely made any, besides of the first day off, when we went to the sea and Nagomi - the place i work, but the rest just stays behind. I have couple of hours in the morning, before the work starts, but i really don't wanna do anything, but just stay at home, lie on the bed and just do nothing.

And yet, i cannot believe it's been almost 2 months already in Japan! The trip last year was not the best one and now i start being disappointed. When i think how much i could have done, but have done nothing really much... But it cannot be changed, for it's already in the past, so there's no use for me to be upset about it anymore! I'll have my time in Tokyo this year for a couple of days, so i'll have to use it well.

Since i'm constantly busy with the exhibition, it starts living within me. Probably it should. At first it was just a random thing to do, but i started putting hopes in it, i really wish it could lead me somewhere, lead to something better. I'm trying to get a place in the capital city in Lithuania for my little exhibition and there's one potential spot, where i might get in - it would be really awesome! It's difficult for me to exhibit my works in Lithuania and hope for something, when i'm not even living there, but that's just a step into the future - i have to show myself every once in a while and it's about time i start doing that.

With business cards and postcards ordered, just the pictures are waiting to be processed. And i still haven't decided on the last choice. I have 54 potential pictures and have to go down to 20. My day off on weekend is gonna be tough!

Day 49.

Today i managed to shape my working day on my own and so i felt way better...

We again spent around 12 hours in Nagomi, but i took my laptop with me, so i could work in the pictures - and i did lots of work today. I took books, i slept, i didn't rush to work too much. I took my time, relaxed, so today the day passed by easier.

It's still hard to spend the whole day (almost) at one place, not being able to take time just for myself, but since we're staying in Nagomi all the time, i just gonna have to accept it as a fact and try to relax there and feel like at home.

Yesterday i forgot to mention, that a friend of my hosts arrived one day back and is staying with us and somehow it feels nice that someone else is here besides me. He's not a wwoofer, he's just staying with us, but he's also helping out which is really nice!

And with days going by, i come to remember what the host from Sasayama said: "it's not for the whole life that you're wwoofing, try new things, new places, try to adapt to what it is, because it's not gonna last long anyway."

Day 48.

Today is a black black day for me.

Black black day.

Even though i had quite a pleasant day, nice one hour at the beach and nice dinner, the evening was really bad and was something that ruined the whole day.

In the morning i was already a little bit stressed. I slept pretty bad, so i was easy annoyed, but i managed to overcome it and was happy about that achievement.

In the evening my head started aching again and it was pretty bad. It didn't just stay like that - it got worse and worse and worse... I started feeling dizzy, i thought i could throw up any second, i cut myself twice. And of course, i had to sit down and while doing that i started searching for an answer, because it's not the first time when i get head ache and that dizziness feeling in this place. I had to understand, why my body is protesting so much!

The answer i could come up with didn't please me... It is this place i guess. Well, not the place itself, but the working hours. I basically spend 12 hours in cafe. The work isn't hard and we have a break of one hour, also we rest every once in a while, since it's not much to do sometimes, but still - we are all the time there. I wake up, have couple of hours time before we take off and then i come back just late at night - 23oclock, sometimes 24oclock and even later. For me it's really too much...

To be honest, i don't dare asking them if it would be ok, to work somehow less, like 7 or 8 hours a day, but i guess i'll have to talk to them and if it's not possible i might have to leave. Which makes me sad... I really like this place! And the hosts are really friendly, so i would like to stay here, i would... But sometimes in life we have to be selfish and this situation is exactly like that - my health, my body conditions has to be on the first place and i cannot mess up with myself. My body clearly sent me the message and i have to do something... I need a little bit more time just for myself. Out of the cafe. Be outside the working place.

Day 47.

Today we had a spontaneous day off and i was happy about it, because i had a plan to just rest, but then it all changed. I got an order and even though i didn't wanna work on sunday and on my day off, but the girl was in urgent need - the design company made a shitty title-board for her shop and she needed it on monday already! So i just had to help.... Which ate almost all of my day - i started straight after breakfast and finished just in the evening. But it did make me a little bit of money, so i cannot complain, i guess...

The rest i spent on my business cards - i already ordered them! And the tiny amount of time that was left after, i spent talking to my mom. A thing, which has to be done every once in a while i guess.

I also worked on my pictures a little bit and i'm happy it's going forward slowly! I'm gonna order postcards and pictures soon and after that it's just waiting until i fly over to Lithuania for the first opening... It's my first big thing, so i'm excited but also really nervous.

Day 46.

Nagomi, the cafe i wwoof at:

Day 45.

So today was my first real working day here and i have to be honest - i feel totally tired... We worked up until late night, we came when it was almost 1 oclock. With an early start like we have it's pretty difficult. At least for me, since i'm not used to this. First of all, i normally go early to bed which is already a problem, second of all, i'm wwoofing here which is a help and assistance to the hosts, so if they chose the life style like this, it's their choice i guess, but not mine and i really wouldn't like to spend over 12 hours in the cafe!

But maybe today's just an exception, so i cannot make anything much out of today. Maybe tomorrow's totally different. Oh, i really do hope so...

In the evening, i even fell asleep on the couch for an hour or so, but they woke up because of the customers. It wasn't even really customers - they were all good friends of the owners, so they were just hanging out, which made me a little bit sad and angry (maybe angry is a little too strong word though), because they could hang around with the friends on their own time, but i would really appreciate if i went back home, you know.

At some point i felt really dizzy, like drunk or high, or maybe both. I really just wanted to go back home and sleep, rest and forget about that day.

The thing that made me even more upset was that i didn't dare to tell them anything. I couldn't fight for myself and say: maybe i could go back home? I just stayed there on the couch and waited until the customers leave.

I think i'm also a little bit tired of this wwoofing thing, because it's always really great at first and then you start seeing things and then you start complaining and stop liking the place, so i guess the first thing that makes me disappointed is already a huge red flag for me and the emergency alarm inside of me goes on. I felt really drained in the evening and i understood that this kinda lifestyle would be equal to suicide if i did that for years on my own.

Day 44.

My days here just started, but i feel ok. I'm enjoying the ocean and the view, the friendly atmosphere.

It's my third time in a row, where i come exactly on days off, so today we just went to the sea all together. Am i lucky or what?? Always coming to the place at very good timing.

The family is really open minded and warm, the food's so far just divine! We'll see about work from tomorrow. I had to work yesterday a little bit, but it wasn't really working...

I would be lying if i said i don't miss the last place - i do. I caught myself talking about it with sucha passion it almost freaked me out. I feel that the last host made a huge impact on me, so i'm really looking forward to Europe and how my life's gonna change when i'm there...

Day 43.

So today i switched my place and i arrived at my last host this year. It's in a small city called Omaezaki in Shizuoka prefecture...

Every travel this year, every host, every single place had its own surprises. I left Kyoto late at night, short before midnight and i arrived at Shizuoka in the early morning - at 5 am, so i saw still sleeping city. I didn't sleep too much, maybe 3-4 hours tops, so i was still tired. I found a comfortable bench and i had another hour of sleep, while the city was still, resting after long day and just slowly waking up for a new start. I haven't explored the city at all because of my heavy baggage (damn you, stuff!!!), but it's not as rushing as Tokyo. People in white and black (all the employees) spread through the whole train station relatively late and walked with a tiny grace, even with their heads down. But it's not like in Tokyo - with blood boiling and crazy eyes they're running from a platform to another, trying to squeeze themselves in the trains.

While the first host didn't surprise me with the view and surroundings (it was in Tokyo area...), it managed to give me a big shock cause of its hygiene and how things go there. It wasn't as bad on one hand, but on the other hand it was just terrible. When i left to my second host, i didn't even know what to expect. And then the mountains, valleys, rivers and greenery made me wipe my tears off while still on train. The place itself had its minuses and pluses, but i found peace and was enjoying mountainous view every day. Here, when i was going to my spot, my attention was caught by neatly planted tea bushes - there's a lot of them in this region! I never knew that Shizuoka is famous cause of its tea! So it was a nice surprise... The town i work in, doesn't have tea farms, or at least i haven't seen them yet, but they trip on the train was an interesting one!

It didn't take too long until i met with my host which is an alternative type, listening to reggae, surfing, warm and that also took me by surprise. After lunch we went to Nagomi (that's how the cafe is called) and i went to check out the beach and that was yet another thing that made me smile! The ocean is beautiful, the beach is amazing! I cannot see the sea from the cafe, but it takes tops 2 minutes until you can dive in the water. It's so beautiful here! You wouldn't believe. It's not just a simple random sea, it is the ocean! It's my first time to be so close to the real ocean. The feeling is overwhelming.

You climg up the dunes and while doing that the ocean just open ups right before your eyes. In the evening the whole beach is covered with this mellow warm yellow sunlight, at the sides of the beach you can see mist chewing on sand and you just want to explode into million peaces and fuse with the mist. And never leave.

Cafe is really beautiful as well. It's pretty alternative, just like the owners! It's always filled with reggae or ska music, bright colors and friendly decorations, so i feel totally welcomed here. It's almost like at home. The whole village is interesting. Even though it's really small, but on the way your eye catches reggae posters, shops, paintings of Bob Marley, rastafari flags. There are many events to support the rastafari culture - it's gonna be interesting to explore the neighborhood.

I'm the only wwoofer at the moment, so i enjoy the quiet when i'm not doing anything. It's quite the opposite from Sasayama where you're always surrounded by other people. It is of course nice, but also tiresome. One girl might join me here, if my hosts still need someone. She wants to leave Sasayama and i suppose we both want to work together again, before our ways split for good. She's australian and so after Japan she is going back. So this thing is a little bit of an inner conflict inside of me - to stay alone or not. Tomorrow's my day off ( just like in Sasayama, despite the fact, that we have 2 days off there), so i'll have time for myself, for my blog, for sea, pictures and the rest.

I still haven't really experienced the work here, since we didn't have many customers today, but i'm a little bit worried about working hours. We close with the last customer which might be really late, but the starting point is always the same. So we'll see.

The house where I stay is really nice and big. I have a nice room and a really comfortable futon - today i was barely to be woken up after my afternoon nap. A little bit embarassing!

My host-mom's parents have a super market which used to be a fish shop, so I suppose we're going to have lots of fish, which makes me really happy! Not just because i love fish, but also because i have to take care of my health and i didn't quite have this chance in Sasayama. It's my first day so i really cannot say much, but it seems i won't have any problems with food. It's of course not just about food, but give a worked better food and you'll have better results! Today for lunch we had delicious sushi. I guess a day with raw fish is a successful one, so I'm glad.

It's gonna be interesting for me to work here, since i wanna have a cafe on my own on day. There's already one recipe from today that i'm gonna memorize!

Before my host picked me up from the station, i had couple of hours of spare time, so i just found a place in a shadow, which happened to be some kinda empty lot between houses and just crashed on the rocks and slept. Oh boy, i slept so well! That's the test for you - if you can fall asleep in less than 3 minutes on rocks, that means you are really tired... Just like i was.